Dating : How can I [25F] stop being so needy and attached when I date someone?
I’m currently dating the most wonderful guy. We’ve been dating for about two months now and he’s made his intentions very clear. Told me he wanted to be exclusive from the get-go. We’ve already exchanged I love you’s and we feel very deeply about each other.
I’d like to give a little background of myself so that everyone can understand where I come from. My father left my family when I was 4. He returned into my life at 19 but I later realized it was only because he wanted money from me.
The last two guys I dated suddenly realized they didn’t want to be with me overnight, one of them even ghosted me and responded to me months later.
Because of this- I have a deep distrust of men. I always feel like every guy I date is going to up and leave me because .. well, they have.
I do have a lot of self confidence when I’m single- I know I’m kind hearted, decent looking and smart. I have my own business and I’m independent. I could bring a lot of value to someone’s life. If only I could get past my fear of abandonment.
The issue I’m having is that I become too attached to the person I’m dating. I’m confident when I’m single but I’m a freaking insecure mess when I’m dating. If they don’t answer me for a couple of hours, I feel anxious until they do. I don’t message them multiple times or anything, and I don’t mention to them that I’m annoyed that they haven’t answered me for hours. Because I know this isn’t a normal reaction so I keep it to myself.
I’m going away for 8 days on vacation and tonight I was supposed to have dinner and drinks with the guy I’m dating so I can spend some time with him before he leaves. He texted me at around 2 PM saying he wasn’t going to be able to meet me tonight (he usually works until 10 pm every day but was going to leave early at 6 to meet me for dinner).
His boss handed him an assignment that he has to finish by today and he said it would be impossible to finish if he left early. He apologized profusely and promised to make it up to me when he came back and told me he loved me.I told him it was okay and wished him luck on the project.
But, you guys, I was really upset that our dinner was cancelled. I wore a pretty dress today and actually did my make up and I was really, really looking forward to seeing him. In fact, I CRIED on my way home. Talk about dramatic.
He hasn’t messaged me since then. So now my brain is already jumping to abandonment.
I know I should seek therapy to help with this. But I don’t have health insurance. I’m wondering if anyone else has had therapy for something similar and can give me advice on how to stop being a clingy psycho. Please and thank you.
You have an anxious attachment style. I can strongly relate especially to “i’m confident when i’m alone but it goes out the door when in a relationship”. That in itself shows some wounds that clearly still need healing. But it’s okay. Being in relationships is a skill, i’m learning as I get older. I’d recommend looking up self-help on anxious attachment styles, theres a lot out there.
Hi! 27/f here. My therapist tells me to “play detective”. What is your brain trying to convince you of? (He doesn’t like you, you’re not important, he’s just going to leave you like all the others, he’s not responding to me because he doesn’t care?) but, what do you have evidence of? (He told you he has a big project- that would explain why he’s not messaging you any more this evening. He said he loves you and hasn’t done anything [hard facts, not your perceptions] to make you think otherwise, he said he’ll make it up to you when he gets back)
It’s hard. I know the exact feeling you have right now. You can create a self fulfilling prophecy though; when we believe the worst about someone, we begin to treat them with suspicion and become clingy, which makes them pull back and exactly what we think is going to happen, happens. Just remember- these men are not your dad, these men are not the assholes who ghosted you or suddenly turned cold. This new one is giving you the evidence you crave, your brain just isn’t used to that and is trying to fit it into the pattern of what you know.
Best of luck! PM me if you want to talk anymore about this!
I think, under the current circumstances, you’re doing a prettu good job of navigating your emotions. I’m impressed with how self aware you are.
One thing that helps me is to dissociate myself from my depression and anxiety. So when I have an intrusive thought – for example: he read my text over 5 hours ago and still hasn’t responded so he clearly hates me » – I allow myself to think it, and then recognize that it’s the anxiety talking, not me. And then I mentally list our reasons why anxiety is wrong.
Apps like Headspace (I’m sure there are others but this is the one I use) have guided meditations and other features that I used at the start of my day or during my commute or something and it was a game changer for me. Just taking a few minutes out of my day to slow down and just be helped me immensely throughout that day.
Finally – and I don’t know why this took so long for me to click in my own life – you’ve survived before and you will again. Whatever you’re freaking out about – even if it happens, you’ll be okay. You’ve been through hell and back before and you can do it again. YOU WILL BE OKAY REGARDLESS.
I have separation anxiety and just generalized anxiety all together. But more speaking on the separation anxiety of things, at least for me, I can tell when my anxiety takes over (even tho I can’t control it) and when I feel in my gut something’s off. It’s a VERY thin line, and sometimes difficult to differentiate — but when you know, you know. And sometimes it takes for you to calm down, recollect yourself, etc. to come back to the issue and reevaluate what you feel deep down in your bones. Then compare that to the anxious thoughts your mind always seems to take you to because sometimes anxious thoughts are like a broken record, repeating the same shit over and over regardless of who you’re seeing at the time. At the end of the day, you know when something’s up and when it’s just your mind playin tricks on you. Right now I’m sure he’s just as stressed about having to cancel dinner, but there was nothing he could do. But word of advice, there’s nothing you can do about it now seeing as he’s on his trip — just wait for when he’s back and let his actions speak for him.
Oh my dear it’s totally understandable to feel that way! It’s okay to cry and be upset that you can’t see him, it’s okay to feel emotions and to want to be with him. It shows you are a normal human being with emotional availability! I think you are wise and self aware to know about the fear of abandonment from your father. It sounds like you really like him and I think in the right timing you should just talk to him and let him know how you feel/what your thought processes are 🙂
At the same time love is releasing. If he wants to be with you he will want to be with you. So let it be and remind yourself you are loved and accepted with or without him x you go girl
Hey, you aren’t alone struggling with abandonment issue. I’ve been in that hell for most of my relationships, and I understand how this fear feels so real and overwhelming when you get triggered.
What’s tricky with this fear about abandonment is you actually manifest what you fear most. It doesn’t matter if what triggers you makes any logical sense or not. I realized that there is some kind of story I almost automatically play inside my head and that story always ends up with me being abandoned. So long as you hold onto this story, literally anything can trigger you. And what usually happens is because of the fear you’re projecting into your current relationship, you actually push the other person away to make this abandonment story you’ve been playing real. That’s what fear does. It’s really self-destructive.
For a long time, I hated myself for it, and couldn’t understand why I was sabotaging my relationships like this. But this is the process I came up with after trying out different advice and theories and it’s helped me to gradually get better. Hope you find it useful, too.
<Trauma>
– Trauma is when somebody is playing the upsetting memories/stories of the past over and over, feeling upset about it, and projecting it into the present moment.
– Trauma becomes a trauma when a person refuses to let go of pain and emotions they felt from the past event, and turns it into a story they believe in.
<How my trauma about abandonment works>
When there is an emotional trigger in my current relationship like having a fight, feeling distant from my partner, etc. I keep replaying this past memory and get really upset, projecting it into the current relationship and catastrophizing it…
<How to get over trauma>
This is what I intentionally did to heal myself. It won’t be overcome right away, but this is a process I can repeat until the old story I’ve been playing wouldn’t affect how I see the relationship anymore.
Instead of trying to desperately talk to my partner to get some kind of validation that he still loves me and won’t leave me, I went through the following process.
1. When I got triggered, I wrote out all of the upsetting thoughts on my mind in text so that I can read it and see how my story is unfolding.
2. Instead of choosing to believe in the story playing in my mind and react, I let my mind play the story til the end and sat with the feelings. I tried to observe my feelings as gently and kindly as I can without denying or judging it in any form so that all the wounds and pain I was oppressing could be uncovered.
3. When the wounds and fear come to the surface more clearly, I tried to embrace them as gently as possible again without any judgement or denial. I let myself cry, if I wanted to, and groaned if it felt too painful. It’s important not to stop myself from expressing it and to feel through all of them as long as I need. That way, I give myself assurance that it’s alright to feel the way I feel.
4. While acknowledging my pain and wounds first like soothing down a crying child, I reminded myself of how cognitive distortion usually happens. I tried to have an internal dialogue with myself about the story I was playing, and gently deconstruct how my thoughts are distorted based on my beliefs and fear.
I think the key here is feeling that it’s ok to feel unpleasant and fearful sometimes, but you just need to learn to not react to it. You don’t have to get rid of it. The more you try to resist and get rid of this fear, the stronger it would feel. Rather than fighting it, you need to learn to create peace with this fear. And once you become more comfortable with sitting with your feelings without reacting, you can work on replacing your existing story with the alternative one where there is no abandonment happening.
Well, there’s no way to know if this man will be different from the others, so just enjoy the moment and don’t overthink, you can’t do nothing else. In my case, and if you are like you say (don’t overtext, don’t blame him, etc), it wouldn’t be a problem and I’d feel protective and understanding with the situation, I’d prefer that you tell me, but I understand that some men feel unatracted to this kind of behaviours because they can be very problematic if the partner don’t control his/her emotions and harrass you 24/7. You know the guy you’re dating better than us, so you know how he can react, but in my opinion this is something you have to tell him sooner or later.
I think there is some really good advice at the top about anxiety and attachment that I won’t try and repackage, instead, I’ll try and focus on some actionable things you can do. Don’t live in paradigms where the best your BF can do is NOT disappoint you. Create openings for you to be more independent, and him to do something sweet or above the call of duty. The biggest one I’m seeing here is the expectation that you need to hear from him every couple of hours.
Your phone is a little addiction simulator, and the apps are made to spike your dopamine like a slot machine. Seeing your issues with A) attachment and B) anxiety, I might consider a bit of cell phone sobriety to help clear your head. We spent the better part of human history not being able to have constant little hits of meth from texting and facebook, you might have had to go THE ENTIRE WORK DAY without hearing from them at all.
> I don’t message them multiple times or anything, and I don’t mention to them that I’m annoyed that they haven’t answered me for hours.
I see you saying that you’re much more independent when you’re single, you say he hasn’t messaged you AGAIN after telling you he has to stay at work – and from what I quoted above, it looks like a lot of this anxiety and and attachment is coming from your cell phone habits.
Another thought – maybe add more positive men into your life in a platonic/non-romantic way. It seems like you know you have a lot of baggage with your dad, with a string of bad relationships, and maybe that’s exacerbated by constantly always having one source of male, well, there isn’t really a word for having a positive male role model for adults, but honestly, there should be. I’ve learned much more about the women I respect and admire by being friends with them than the ones I’ve dated. They are who I model my hopeful romantic partners after. Have men in your life who don’t want anything from you besides your friendship, and maybe it will help quiet the alarm bells in your mind a little. Most men (most people) are decent people and if your data is telling you that isn’t the case, then there is a problem with where you are getting your data.
And last, it’s okay to get disappointed when something you were looking forward to all day (or all week) falls through. I know it can feel silly crying about it, but sometimes, that’s just how your body responds, you never know how well or poorly you’ve been managing your stress or anxiety until the straw finally breaks the camel’s back. Have a good cry and do something that makes you happy. Since my grandpa died a few years ago (first really close person in my life that I’ve lost, knock on wood) I catch myself crying at weird shit all the time now, maybe the two are unrelated, I’m a notorious weeper during movies even though I’m normally quite stoic, IDK I’m getting sidetracked, my point is, some things will make you cry, have your cry, and keep it moving. It’s dramatic to force those emotions onto somebody else and make your happiness *their* problem, but it is totally fine to ugly cry in the car and sing along to Paula Cole.
You’re asking the wrong question.
Do something that makes you feel a sense of accomplishment and improves your sense of self-worth.
If you message him you will be distracting him from a very important project. His boss basically fucked him today, you’re crying on the way home but he feels like ass because he can’t leave work early.
The way I deal with this is by committing 100% but I know most relationships I get into probably won’t workout but one will come along and only time will tell which one it is so I’m always prepared that things could last forever or end at any moment and when things end I knew it was coming. Just don’t be naive that’s all just accept that no matter how hot or smart or funny you are you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.
Preoccupied anxious attachment disorder! I have it, too, and I really connect with the idea of being 100% fine with yourself when single however not trusting someone to consistently and predictably love you when dating. There are a ton of super informative videos on this attachment disorder on youtube, I would recommend it, I have found exploring this part of myself has been helpful.
Hi, are you me?
I have the exact same attachment style and identical feelings: single I am confident and relaxed and generally happy. Dating someone I am a wildly insecure, baseline anxious mess….. because there is an emotional threat nearby and it triggers everything about me that doesn’t allow healthy attachment. It’s miserable and I can totally relate. People like us tend to slowly ruin what we have out of a perverse sense of self-preservation while concomitantly making ourselves miserable.
As for “insurance” and “therapy”- I paid out of pocket for weekly sessions for 6 months after a break up. Once I sorted my shit out, I went sporadically when needed.
Whatever you have to do, cut costs, budget, work extra, do it. People spend a lot of money on useless shit yet say they can’t afford therapy (not lumping you into that group, I’m just saying)
*Everyone* can afford therapy if you make it a priority and it will be the best money you have ever spent. It changed my life and it was the best investment I ever made in myself.
My therapist recommended (for a friend of mine living in a different area) to use psychology.com to locate someone for her. Give it a whirl, it’s worth it. And don’t stop/be discouraged until you fight the right fit. Again, it is the **best thing you will ever do for yourself**. You deserve to be happy.
Probably the best way to not get too attached is too attach yourself to a passion or career. Have a great life and you’ll notice that it will be hard to think of him/her all the time because, you’re so busy.
ROWDY
I think it’s pretty normal to be anxious during the early stages of dating, especially if you really like the person you’re seeing. Just don’t set the bar too high too early, most people you date are going to be amazingly disappointing people. Keep your mind as blank as possible when you’re dating so that nothing is really a surprise to you, and you really dont subsequently care about things going south. Anxiety when dating, for me at least, stems from you being afraid that your expectations will not be realized. The less you expect, the less anxiety you have
Yeah I think you have a lot of things you need to work out before you should even consider dating.
Insecurity is a relationship killer, what you do is give them the freedom to mess up. If they do then just find someone else. I think it’s not too hard to not be insecure if the other person is a good person in general.
Why do you feel you need them right away?
You’re obviously not independent if your happiness is this codependent
First, being needy and attached isn’t a bad thing. You need to be invested in the relationship to be in a relationship. With that said, learning to understand why you are and accepting that is better then trying to just « get rid of it ». Most people are needy of others, it’s whether that neediness is unfair to the other is when it is an issue. In this case, no it is not. You wanted to see him, you invested time and energy into preparing for this, you were excited and you will be gone. You being upset is totally normal, you wanted it to happen. Unfortunately life gets in the way sometimes and thats ok. I’d just let him know you were upset but understand and he better not forget about making it up 😉
Second, don’t view everything as bad. I understand trauma is difficult, especially vulnerability when people take advantage of you. It is difficult to open up….. it’s a normal reation though. Don’t get caught up in thinking you shouldn’t have those feelings.
Oh yeah, just as a side note. As a dude who went through a lot of trauma, take some time here and there and understand further how everything made you feel and come to terms with those feelings. Those feelings of abandonment dont get magically wished away. I’d be honest with the dude, it helps me at least when I meet new people. Some run and some say that’s life. I prefer having the latter in my life.
Sounds like you should be single and stop dating guys to feel whole. It’s a serious issue and you might need counseling. I think you’re going to do whatever you want because I doubt you have any self control. Stay away from alcohol and stimulants/depressants until you can get some counseling and learn to say no to guys when they ask you out. What you think is “love” is just oxytocin in your brain. When you one day find out what love actually is you might be shocked at how mundane and how much work it takes to keep afloat. All you’re experiencing now is just physical and getting your adequacy from another flawed person that could end up dumping you (not saying they would) but then you’d be devastated because you put a guy on a pedi stool to feel self worth.
Where are you from op?
Love self more
What is your zodiac sign and anf mbti type?
Talk. To. Him. Try a blame-free way like « I know you had work, but I felt [x] way ». Honor the feeling without saying that you’re disappointed *in him*. Check out therapy for sure (it’s great!!) but also look into the Gottmans — they have great relationship advice articles and books. Good luck & wish you the best!!
Keep a full life and make plans with friends, family, for yourself, etc. If you have a busy life, you won’t get so attached when yet another person enters into it.
I am a 32 male and I have issues also when the distance becomes a thing. But I have taught myself to calm the fuck down!!!
New girl who I been talking to for a week now is a Nurse, works 12 hour shifts overnight. I know she is busting her ass and does message me when she can and has even called me to talk. She says she likes me and all that. (we haven’t met in person yet because of her schedule) I am Nervous that she won’t wanna date me because I am fat (she knows this) but meeting a person in person vs the pictures is different.
But I have to tell myself That she will leave me one day, and want to date someone else. I mean it’s actually gonna be two weeks tomorrow I think, but TBH I am just a worry type and blah blah lack of confidence since I am Fat (working on it intensely)
I do get you, I do understand the sudden depression of how this amazing time can end. I have it happen to often and honestly It’s so depressing. But this girl seems amazing and I can only see what happens. If this doesn’t hold anything I’ll keep working on myself with dieting and being the Best I can be.
Can I ask what your own business at 25 is?
You’re co dependent, your father abandoned you and blah blah blah. Besides therapy, find some girlfriends to hang out with. Do not invest yourself entirely to someone after a few months. Seriously travel (with a female friend or solo) and find yourself, know you’re ok to be alone and do your own hobby’s/recs. Just work on yourself and build strength. It’ll take time and you can still date but it’ll make for stronger relationships. Girls need girl time and guys need guy time. You’ll be ok:)
I dont know much of my family. Grew up with abusive relatives and got bullied a lot. I always wishedto have someone defend me.
While it made me confident when single, the moment I enter a relationship I have the need for being emotiobally attached, trusting, get clingy, etc. It is what your post reminded me of.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you will ever get rid of the need. However, you can train how much you show to the outside. Fake it until you make it.
I trained a lot by actively trying to slightly motionally distance myself, distract my mind and do other things. Generelly, let them come rather than iniating contact too often.
Most importantly though: do not invest more than the other person.
I hope it helped a bit.
Try to remember that your thoughts are not facts. Write that down and put it on your fridge. It’s difficult but with practice you can observe your thoughts as clouds passing by. In other words, you distance yourself from your thoughts are recognize them as emotion. Look into « The Three Principles, » there are videos and online support. I don’t think it’s weird that you got emotional when you couldn’t see your guy. You’re going on vacation. I would be upset, too.
I don’t think you need help. It’s absolutely normal to truly fall in love with someone. Falling in love hard with someone and wanting to spend every waking hour with them happens to a LOT of people. You shouldn’t hold your feelings in either. Tell him how he truly made you feel today. Make him (or any man) love you for who you are. Hold him to his word and make it up to you. Get that confidance back too! I didn’t read through all of the comments but I’m sure there’s dudes on here that feel (or have felt) the exact same way as you.
You don’t sound like a clingy psycho. In fact, you sound like a lovely human being. who is very thoughtful and self-aware. We all have some amount of baggage and trauma, and you sound like you’re willing to do the work at least. I have an insecure attachment style as well. My dad was around when I was growing up…he was just sort of mean and dismissive. And my mom was her own kind of mess…I won’t get into it, but it was a lonely childhood. Romantic relationships (and even certain close friendships) had always been hard for me…because by nature I was hyper sensitive to rejection. But it’s gotten waaay better.
Most helpful advice I’ve ever gotten is for the book Mindsight by Daniel Siegel. It’s on the Audible app, if you have it. So insightful and it helps explain the actual mechanics behind this stuff (I’m a nurse, so the brain and biology interest me anyhow)…but the man is basically one of the go-to authorities of modern psychotherapy. So you could think of it as a *really* cheap therapy sessions with one of the best. Plus he reads his own book, and his voice is even oddly soothing. It helped me a lot. Good luck!! Remember. There’s nothing wrong with you. While partner’s can (and a good one will) try to be supportive, nobody will really make headway on this for you but yourself. Even a partner who bends over backwards to make you comfortable may hit hard times in their life and need to withdraw for a bit…that’s life. And it *can* get better, it got loads better for me in the past couple of years. So claim your power as much as you can. 🙂
Well better tell him the truth and send a message that you reacted out of love so no hard feelings and don’t be apologetic just be straight and say that you care about him and you dressed up nicely for him but couldn’t reason at the time when he politely apologized and told that he couldn’t make it but Promised you! it’s complicated but one has to step up first that’s always the case coz not everyone’s same. I would strongly suggest that you should open up and well discuss the background with him (in person) so he could actually understand.
Relations are complicated but they tend to ruin if one starts apologizing on every little thing so better have a conversation and try compromise with each other. I know that sometimes girls requires all the attention in the world and I do respect women and their inherited in humanly sense nature can make them quiet anxious, possessive or sometimes irritates them. Being a man I honestly would say when I was in my 20’s I was very active and responsive to my partner so did (they) my ex(s) yes 🙂 but now I’m in early 30’s and don’t have the energy to respond to anyone very quickly due to workload and responsibilities in life.. I have no idea what age your guys are in but just sit down, relax, have a cup of coffee, share your thoughts, talk to each other, give each other your deserved space and make your relation stronger.
Just think with logic.
I stopped reading early cause you’re basically the girl I’m dating. I love her very much and honestly I feel like the only way a relationship can work for you is if your partner feels the same way. Both her and I have a lot in common. We text frequently throughout the day, don’t mind being honest and we always make our intentions clear. Always communicate your feelings and don’t hold back cause it’d just cause you more anxiety! Good luck~