Dating : 4 Surprising Things I Learned from having a ‘Friend with Benefits’

Sex without emotion. Surely nothing can go wrong?

When I was a younger I thought ‘wouldn’t it be amazing to have a f*ck buddy!’

A friend you can banter with, knock back a few drinks with, shag and then say ‘see ya later!’ without any messy feelings, jealousy or expectations. Just two mates chilling and boning whenever they felt like it.

I’ll caveat here, I had this thought when I was in my mid-teens, before I’d ever been in a relationship or come anywhere close to having sex. Back then sex was the most important thing in the world in my mind, as it is to many teenage boys, and the idea of a female friend you could relax with AND have sex with seemed like the holy grail.

Fast forward 12 years and 4 relationships and I had inadvertently found myself with a friend with benefits. Hurrah! The dreams of my 15 year old self realised!

We started off chilling at her apartment, innocently enough, watching TV and chatting, and after a few visits ended up more than chatting. It was quite clear early on we didn’t have much of an emotional connection beyond friendship, and the attraction was mostly physical. It was also clear we both had needs which required fulfilling and it might be fun to fill each others.

Two friends, purely physical, sex on tap, no messy emotions. Perfect, right?

Well…

This was an interesting feeling for me. Having always been in relationships as an adult, I was very used to putting the person I was having sex with first, as they would with me too. But being with someone as a FWB was completely different.

We would chill or have sex when both of us were free, but if either of us had any other plans or potentials we would put those plans first. There wasn’t much accommodation of the other person.

This is one of the essences of FWB — you see each other when you both want to f*ck, but you don’t make great efforts to see or accommodate one another.

The f*ck buddy dynamic is selfish by design; you’re both there to fulfil your own needs.

The main thing you have to be fine with is the other person dating other people. And OK, granted, you can also do the same thing— it’s a two-way street.

First and foremost both of you have to be on the same page. If one person holds an underlying romantic or emotional attraction and the other doesn’t, it’s going to be difficult from the start. I’ve heard of people getting into FWB situations because they actually liked the person and thought having sex would turn things romantic. This worked in some situations but backfired in others.

Being open about your feelings is generally a much better approach than covert-ops.

Since you’re just FWB you’re only f*cking, you’re not dating. One or both of you might want to find an actual relationship, or at least be open to it, and often one person will be more open to it than the other.

Being perfectly OK with this is the essence to a successful FWB scenario, but it can prove difficult. It might be fine if your buddy wants to have sex tonight but you can’t because you’ve got a hot date, but what if they said the same thing when you wanted to ‘get it on’?

The FWB dynamic is selfish by its very design. As long as you both realise this (and one of you isn’t secretly pining for the other) you’ll be fine.

You’re two friends who both have needs and you’re helping each other out. You meet up, you chill, you have sex. Needs fulfilled.

An issue which could arise though, is because you’re both in it for your needs, and not the needs of your buddy, the sex can quickly become ‘how do I get myself off’ and ‘what do I want’ from the sex.

Sex is a very many things, but more often than not selfishness doesn’t make for good sex.

If each person only focuses on what they want it will encourage the other person to only think of themselves as well. This creates a selfish feedback loop and and ever-increasing ‘ME’ focus from each person.

When someone’s having sex with you and you can tell you’re just there to fulfil their needs, you could end up feeling like just a body, or a dick, or an opening. It doesn’t matter much who you are, you could be anyone at all to them. It can kinda end up feeling like you’re a piece of meat.

As a teenager I thought I’d love this — sex without emotion — but it turns out emotion is what makes sex amazing. Without emotion it can all be rather selfish and mechanical, and when you feel you’re simply fulfilling a physical need, as if you could be anyone at all, it takes away most of the enjoyment.

Or at least, that’s what I found. If sex without emotion is what you love, then more power to you, FWB is the best thing.

There’s something about regularly being naked with someone over an extended period of time. You get comfortable with each other, you get to know each-others foibles, small habits and bedroom preferences. Plus your brain releases a load of feel good chemicals when you have sex, one of which (oxytocin) bonds you to each-other and is released on regular and consistent skin-to-skin contact.

We are emotional creatures by nature; sex is an intimately bonding activity by evolutionary design.

Hoping to continue a purely physical, emotionally-detached relationship indefinitely is an exercise in futility. Sooner or later emotions will spark somewhere, and they will never be perfectly balanced on both sides. One person may be getting a bit more ‘into’ their buddy, whereas the other might be feeling the opposite.

Friends-with-benefits situations usually won’t last amazingly long, but they can be fun, entertaining and (as I’ve found) quite the learning experience.

Happy f*cking 🙂