Dating : I’m no expert on men, but I know asking ‘Am I your number one?’ rarely works

I love the OWN show “Ready to Love.” I don’t necessarily understand some of the personalities, but it’s one of the only shows I know of for African-American women looking for love in their 30s to 50s. The antics are minimal (OK, let’s leave David and Nyya out of this), and I adore seeing attractive, professional, charismatic, funny, melanin-rich folks being single and ready to mingle.

Unlike other dating shows where the black woman or man is the token dater in the group (or there’s only one black guy and black woman so the mainstream world just assumes they’ll be a match, i.e. “Too Hot to Handle”), the cast of this show is all African-American. (Yes, Chrisantheium constantly reminded the rest of the cast that she was born in Italy, so there are biracial cast members, too.)

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However, there is one thing that I really truly wish the women (and men) would stop doing on this show — Alexis specifically. I didn’t see it as much on Season 1, but Seasons 2 and 3 have people constantly asking, “Am I your number one?” It’s the equivalent of asking a man outside of reality TV whether you’re the main chick or the side chick. And for the life of me, I just don’t understand what good this is doing.

The general purpose of “Ready to Love” is to put a dozen or so men and women together, and allow them to narrow down who they like the most to the point where it gets down to three (or four) couples. They meet each others’ friends and family, take a weekend getaway, go on one-on-one and double dates, and do fun activities like horseback riding. By the end of each episode, Thomas “Nephew Tommy” Miles asks the women or the men (they take turns) who is in their bottom group. Each group has to decide who they want to send home — “The Weakest Link” style, but with kissing and hugging involved.

And I cringe every single week when there’s always that one person, usually a woman, repeatedly demanding to know if she’s her crush’s “number one.” I understand the point of the show. I get why they’re doing it, although Alexis is going harder than any other cast member. I just wish they’d all stop. I’m no expert on men nor am I married. I do not claim to be a relationship connoisseur. But I grew up with no sisters, one older brother, a host of male cousins/uncles/grandfather/father, and a block full of boys who grew up to be men. I know one thing for absolute sure.

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What is it that I know for sure? If you are a man’s number one priority and he likes you exclusively (or at least the most), he will make it known. Chances are pretty high that if you have to keep asking a man “What are we?” and “What is our status?” and “Am I your number one?” you probably aren’t.

I’ve watched many men in my family and platonic friends damn near scream to the rooftop about how much they love their girlfriends and wives. True story: I was once talking with a friend about DIY projects and why Bar Keepers Friends helped me save money on buying a new toilet. My friend heard me talking about home repairs and somehow found a way to start talking about his wife’s new haircut. Like the Deborah Cox song says, “How did you get here?” When a man is in love, he’s deeply in love. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs love. And he will bore you to tears finding every reason he can to bring up his lady. I’m not mad at it; it’s just true.

So as much as I love this show, these “Am I your number one?” insecurities wear on my patience. You should never have to ask. Men are very, very good at making it known when they’ve fallen for you. I don’t say this to brag. I say this from experience.

I’ve had three exes who followed my social media years later and randomly contacted me via website. I blocked them on one account; two of the three created a new one to find me again.

I had one ex who gave up his house in a southern state and moved to Chicago, about a six-minute walk from my (former) apartment. I had no clue he’d moved back to Chicago until he called my parents to figure out a way to get me to a neutral location.

I’ve had the boyfriend who popped up at my job and somehow ended up networking with my boss (at the time). I was sitting in my office and all of a sudden here he comes strolling past my office, staring a hole in my head until I made eye contact.

I’ve had the ex who canceled all of his plans because I locked my keys in my car, knowing full well that I could’ve easily called roadside assistance.

While I’m not with any of these people now, these were a handful of people who made it very obvious to me that they were not only interested but I was a priority. I was introduced to parents and child(ren) and friends without ever asking to be. The relationships didn’t work out for a variety of reasons, but the one thing I never questioned was whether these guys were into me.

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I learned long ago, primarily from casual observation mixed in with unsolicited advice from the male role models in my social circle, that if you start questioning the status of your relationship, you should probably take your foot off the accelerator a little. I’m not saying slam on the brakes, just ease up.

On the last episode, Kera is a perfect example of why. She has stayed on Cruise Control the entire season and four of the male participants picked her as their number one, even though she was only interested in two. And when she was supposed to be dismissed from the show by one of the two she was interested in, one of them (AJ) shed a tear and wouldn’t let go of her hand.

He was supposed to dump her, knowing another woman (Alexis) was clearly waiting to be chosen, and he just couldn’t do it. I’ve watched these scenarios play out again and again. I watched it on Season 1 with Mike and Shea, when Mike attempted to bark at Shea and tell her to “take her motherf**king ass home.” She shrugged, packed and was about to leave the show. Like Martin did to Gina, Mike made a beeline for the door, apologized and did almost everything but beg Shea to stay — knowing full well that Shatava was as interested in him as Alexis with AJ.

So for the life of me I don’t understand how viewers can watch these episodes — even if they’ve never seen it in real life — and still think that trying to bully or nag someone into being “the one” works. It simply doesn’t. I have been smitten with a couple of guys who just weren’t feeling me like that. Pride just wouldn’t let me play myself, and I threw up the deuces quicker than a Chris Brown song. It happens. Everyone doesn’t like you as much as you like them.

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But there’s a reason that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Thomas Overbuy and James Howell weren’t just saying this for kicks. They meant it. We all reach a certain age where we want to know “what are we doing?” so we don’t waste time. You only have one life to live and can’t put another one on layaway. But if someone is treating you like you’re the backup plan in their life, treat yourself like you’re the final destination. Move on.