Dating : Precepts from Antiquity to Improve the Quality of your Marriage

The one thing that lifted me to my highest joy and yet cast me down into my deepest despair was my marriage. Looking back, I treasure the fact that my marriage experience enriched my life though I would gladly spare anyone its painful death.

I remember how hard I fought the breakup. Still, when a marriage begins dying, it inevitably passes a point of no return and then it’s better to let go instead of prolonging the agony by holding on.

In the months following the breakup, I experienced heartache that held company with low self-esteem and humiliation. I had been retrenched from my old job, had just started at a new one and wasn’t able to get back on my feet yet. I moved back to my parents’ house and retreated into a dimly lit back room on a thin foam mattress on the floor, surrounded by the dregs of my former life, all squashed into crumbling cardboard boxes. I felt entombed in a proverbial abyss.

My healing came gradually, characterized by copious amounts of soul-searching. Memories, thoughts and emotions coursed through me constantly, and I crystallized these as much as possible in the catharsis of writing. I poured through literature about marriage, relationships and psychology looking for answers, needing to heal and move on with my life. I read a lot and learned more, but strangely, my most valuable insights came not from contemporary literature but from antiquity.

Somehow, in my search for literature about sex and relationships, I stumbled upon material from Ancient Egypt. Specifically, the Prisse Papyrus acquired by the French archaeologist M. Prisse d’Avennes in Egypt, who published a translation of the papyrus in 1847. The original papyrus currently housed at the Biblioteque Nationale in Paris is written in bold black and red hieratic characters. The papyrus, dated to 2200 BCE, is widely rumored to be the oldest book in existence! At present, various translations exist from different authors and published as The Precepts of Ptah Hotep. The author of the translation I discovered is Charles F. Horne, The Sacred Books and Early Literature of the East (New York: Parke, Austin, & Lipscomb, 1917), Vol. II: Egypt, pp. 62–78. I focus on the 21st precept concerning the care given to a wife.

You can read the relevant precept accorded to Ptah Hotep here and here.

The more I read this precept, the more it resonated with me, and I was struck by how it spoke of the simple duties of a husband towards a wife promoting a successful marriage. It made me consider the things in a marriage that seemed innocent and benign, but that turns out to be highly damaging in a relationship if carelessly ignored. I formed my personal interpretation from the precept.

The main ideas are:

• Wisdom and maturity
• Commitment
• Trust
• Intimacy
• Equality
• Appreciation
• Respect
• Affirmation

Wisdom and Maturity

Wisdom and maturity should form part of the foundation of a marriage.

Commitment

Pledge pure love or commit to your marriage partner. A love that should not have to compete with a passion for anything, or anyone, else.

Trust

A partner entrusts particular needs into the care of another. Trust is sacred, and your partner trusts that their needs will be met with your utmost resolve and consideration as possible.

Intimacy

Intimacy is vital and allows a partner to reveal their deepest desires. Acknowledgement of desires and assisting your partner to reach those desires will do much to strengthen the bond.

Equality

Gender-based violence is a scourge that constantly rears its ugly head. How strange that the ancient Egyptians warned against such an evil within a marriage. Enforcing the will by one partner over the other via any means should be shied away from in preference to achieving consensus for the mutual benefit of both.

Appreciation

Acknowledge the importance of your partner’s skills, abilities and talents that contribute to the relationship’s success. Some translations have a line where it says that a wife’s vulva bestows her a means of acquisition. I doubt it implies that a wife uses sex or her sexuality to leverage favors. I would prefer to interpret this line as the importance of sex and sexuality in a marriage or relationship in maintaining a strong bond between partners. A waning desirability between partners is often a source of strain on a relationship.

Respect

Be mindful and respectful of your partner’s aspirations and goals. It is a huge mistake to dismiss that which your partner considers essential. Disregarding your partner’s aspirations may prompt them to seek support and fulfillment elsewhere other than from within the relationship.

Affirmation

Last but not least, I bear reference to “The Question” we’ve all heard in a relationship — “Do you love me?”

If this question is asked lightheartedly or as a tease, then allow yourself a concealed sigh of relief, but if asked in earnest, then you should be concerned. Displaying your love inside a relationship is non-negotiable if you want it to survive! It’s not to be confused with public displays of affection which many of us shy away from or find uncomfortable. Displaying your love reaffirms your desire for your partner and reassures them of your commitment to the relationship. It allows your partner to reciprocate with their display which they may have been holding back due to being unsure of a loving response.

Conclusion

We have a treasure trove of modern literature to assist with the subject of relationships and marriage, and yet I found it refreshing to find a perspective that echoed from antiquity. It’s easy to attribute the success of ancient civilizations to their economic or military might but we rarely take cognizance of any role played by the everyday norms within their societies. It seems they were concerned with much of the issues we affect ourselves with today concerning relationships. Their advice and solutions are still relevant today, helping us navigate toward the joys of life on paths they discovered long ago. The message originating in antiquity and that echoes today is that a marriage does not work unless you work at it for as long as it lasts.