Dating : My Wife Likes Comedy; I like Horror

My wife likes plain old glazed; I like creme-filled. She works out because it keeps her healthy; I workout because I love it. She doesn’t like to argue; I do.

That last one gets me into trouble.

I’m the kind of guy who gets off on excellent discourse. Not a conflict, per se, although I do enjoy those, but rather a general exchange of ideas. Free formed and unfinished; I enjoy encountering a thing and then bouncing around thoughts about the thing. That’s how I learn whatever it is that I know.

My wife, not so much. She has a real rooted, tangible belief system that no one can sway. Things that but up against that, or sit in direct opposition, are simply things she avoids. Not me. I like to know what I think today so I can purposefully study the exact opposite and see if I can imagine something new tomorrow.

It’s a miracle we even get along. But I suppose it’s like that with most marriages. That’s what keeps it interesting. Having things in common is great, but having our differences is spicy.

Over the years, though, I’ve stopped trying as hard. I suppose it’s like that with most marriages, too. Instead of taking her feelings into account when we argue, I go for the kill. I’m condescending, spiteful, and even cruel at times. I’m nothing like this with strangers, of course, which is baffling to me. How could I treat someone I don’t know better than someone I know better than anyone?

It was recently when we were arguing about religion, again, when I noticed my poor behavior most and decided to see why things had changed. Here’s what I found.

It’s almost as if my wife is on the guard tower, just waiting to shoot down any of my ideas that try and escape. Who’s to say if I’m not the cause of this — I probably am — but that doesn’t make it any easier to take.

Now that I know this, I’m able to be more patient. So right when an argument begins, I keep my hands and feet inside the ride until the scary part is over. Instead of fighting back initially, I let her burn off some initial steam. And once I can stand back and recognize the trigger that gets me fired up, I don’t let it set me off anymore.

Religious debates are some of my favorites. Especially ones that fly in the face of what I believe. If I can’t tolerate it, then maybe what I think isn’t right.

My wife is the exact opposite. She gets stressed when things challenge her religion. Her commitment is total, which is admirable, and she’s not comfortable entertaining something that says otherwise. Because of that, I stopped treating her like she should think and act and argue precisely like me. That would be like making her watch “IT,” knowing she’ll hate it, then getting pissed when she does.

So we don’t really talk about religion or family (we don’t really watch horror movies, either). And when we do, I make sure to steer the conversation to a place she feels safe.

At some point, it became less about hearing her, and more about winning. Once that happens, you’re no longer a worthy communicator. You’re a bully.

I don’t want to be any of those things, so I started doing something about it. And it actually works. When she makes a statement, I make the same statement back to her, but in my own words. It sounds like this.

“So what I’m hearing is,” followed by whatever summation I can make.

I thought it would feel fake, but it doesn’t. Instead, it forces me to listen and lets her know I care enough to hear what she’s saying. Sometimes, I miss her point entirely. Sometimes, repeating it back to her turns an excessively emotional fight into a discussion we can both enjoy.

It would be nice if this made for a mess of perfect deliberations, but it hasn’t. I’m not sure my wife even notices the difference. Not yet anyway. And maybe she never does. That’s not the point. The point is I get to have an honest, open, engaging dialogue that I can be proud of with whomever I want. Especially my wife.