Dating : 4 Reasons We Won’t Be Compatible Long-Term

The last time I saw some of these things, I didn’t know they were turning points. The girlfriend in question acted like royalty in a Chipotle. It just made me sweat, but I kept seeing her. I figured maybe it was the spicy food smells, even though they like to keep it somewhere around arctic temperatures in there.

Later on, I couldn’t help but notice that she was on her phone for almost the entire duration of a standup comedy special we were watching. I made excuses for her. She was an “influencer,” so this was how she made her money.

I realize now, that I made these types of excuses for her over and over, and I didn’t even really like her at all. I liked the idea of her — you know that old saying — but it was true. I just wanted to be in a relationship, and I was sacrificing traits that were important to me left and right. But it was in those moments that she lost me, and then I just stuck around too long. It didn’t even sting when it was over — I was glad that it was.

So now, I’ve written them down.

Oh, and before we get started, I’d like to add that I wrote these with a smile, not a grimace.

“Just give me a diet coke.”

Really? No please? Not even so much as a thanks? You could’ve at least went with “I’d like a diet coke” or “I’ll have a diet coke.”

But no, you chose “just give me a diet coke.” As if they’re already on your last nerve. As if you’ve asked for and deserved so much more, but you’ll settle for the diet coke. You guess that will have to do.

You’ve never seen this server before in your entire life. You have never met this person. And they are a person, by the way. They’re a person that’s about to bring you food with the astounding convenience of you handing them some money and you receive a gourmet meal. Actually wait no, I’M HANDING them the money, even. So we’re both very sorry to inconvenience you with the fact that you have to state your selection out loud, like an adult, in order to have your beverage of choice personally hand-delivered to you.

“I don’t even really like stand up comedy, it’s just not funny to me. Have you seen this meme though? This is so me.”

Saying “this is so me” about a photo of someone else doing something that you also do, does not, a sense of humor, make. Like you’re not even applying the meme to a different situation or environment anymore, you’re basically just showing me a picture of an extremely common action and saying “I also do this.” How much more self-centered does it get.

Also, standup comedy is designed to make people laugh. There are several different types, and I will gladly watch them all with you. But if you literally don’t laugh at any standup comedy, or can’t pay attention to them, or don’t want to pay attention to them, this just won’t work.

Additionally, standup comedy requires empathy — you need to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Standup also requires analytical thinking, hypothetical thinking, knowledge of pop culture, historical knowledge, and most of all, the ability to take a joke. These are all vital traits to bring to the table in a relationship.

But point blank: it’s something that I hold in high regard, and I’d love to explore good comedy with you, as I think laughter is a cornerstone of a relationship. So I want to see what makes you laugh and I want to understand why it makes you laugh. And if you can’t devote 73 minutes of your day to something that is that meaningful to me…

“I think it’s, like, impossible…”

The game is simple. And I’m not asking you to master it on your first couple tries. Or even to land the ring on the hook at all.

But when I watch you throw the ring on the exact same path, with the exact same strength, and change nothing about your efforts or understanding, how do you expect me to believe you’ll handle any sort of obstacle or disagreement in our relationship?

If you throw the string too hard, your next throw should most likely be a bit softer. If the path of the ring ends up too far to the right, find a way to get it to end a little further left. Learn from your mistakes. The concepts are simple, and it doesn’t take any sort of athlete to be able to throw the thing. It’s not heavy. You got this.

And don’t tell me that you don’t care if you get it on the hook or not. Everyone wants to succeed. Everyone steps up to the hook and ring game thinking “wouldn’t it be cool if I just nailed it?” Who doesn’t want that? It’s that moment where you realize that this is going to be challenging — you can see it in someone’s demeanor — they either go “wait, what the fuck, no I can figure this out” or they just decide “it’s tough, so it must be impossible” and start chucking.

This applies to any strategy-based game, by the way.

Show that you can think critically, analyze results, and apply new methods. If we’re going to last long-term, there’s no way that either of us can expect to nail it on the first try. But if we keep just throwing the same shit at each other constantly and for eternity…

“Leave me aloneeee!”

Don’t walk into a house with a dog and completely ignore the poor pup. It’s a dog. They’re adorable. They want to love you. Don’t act like you’re weirded out by the fact that they want to be close with you. I know it’s not the first dog you’ve encountered. You get how they work, so try to show a little bit of compassion.

And I’m not asking you to love the dog and dive-bomb cuddle him upon walking in the door. I’m not asking you to brush the dog’s teeth or to pick up poop. I’m just saying — he’s a living being, and he wants to offer you unconditional love and affection. Pat him on the head. Give him a scratch every once in a while.

But also, please don’t be shocked that the dog enjoys your affection. And of course you may want to accomplish other things other than petting the dog, so when you’re done, establish that clear boundary. Take some control. You’re a full-blown adult human. Try to act like one around dogs. Be firm and direct.

This shows that you have the ability to accept love and to give it. You understand the importance of someone else’s needs and are capable of putting yours aside, if even for a moment. And that you also have the ability to set up a boundary and say, “enough is enough, I’ve catered to your needs, and now I am going to put myself first.”

Dogs are simple, and if you can’t show them love and affection, or establish any sort of control with them, what makes you think you and I have a shot. Do you hear how demanding I am? But seriously, this is a simple metaphor for how you might interact with a significant other — it’s surprisingly a similar parallel. If you can’t handle a dog…