Dating : Dating is hard

A commentary on strangling your ex-girlfriend (or not). Note: Don’t do it. Seriously.

Revenge porn, dick pics, stalkers, gym selfies, and the worst of them all — OKCupid messages from dudes who just say Hi.

Such are the dangers and frustrations of the dating world now as we battle a pandemic raging across the fucking planet.

Dating is tough for women, despite what your girlfriends who settled say. And what the fuck do they know? They all thought they found a guy who’s an 8, when in fact, they settled for a guy who you’d rate a 6 at most, or Barely Do-able — according to this dating scale:

And as if fending off sleazy propositions, the constant barrage of unimaginative pick-up lines, and the sea of Nigerian princes who need money to sell ice over the internet isn’t already hard enough, now ladies in Singapore who aren’t looking for a ONS nor are they DTF also have to be on the lookout for guys who are into asphyxiations — and not the kind you’d like when roleplaying some 50 Shades of Bullshit with a dude you met on Tinder.

I am, of course, referring to Post-Breakup Asphyxiation, or PoBA for short, a kind of societal coronavirus where men who wear an invisible crown of virulent ego, if left unchecked, go around choking their exes as a healthy way to affirm their post-break up maturity.

In a recent PoBA case, Yin Zi Qin, 23, or Strangle Adam, as I like to call him, was sentenced to a short detention order for 12 days, 80 hours of community service, and a day reporting order for 5 months, which is the justice system equivalence of allowing someone not to wear a face mask in public during a coronavirus pandemic. In the post COVID-19 world, the Me Too movement might have to step up and fight PoBA so as not to encourage this societal scourge from spreading. #SayNoToStrangleAdams

Long story short, Strangle Adam’s ex tried to leave him — again, they were in her room, he gave her roses, and begged and pleaded. But when things didn’t work out the way Strangle Adam’s ego had imagined, he banged his head against the wall in the most dickless kind of protest — self harm — and then proceeded to practice his grip strength on his ex’s throat. For the full story, check it out here.

And as if that’s not enough, Strangle Adam also pressed his thumb against the poor woman’s eye, causing it to bleed and her to black out. As a result, she suffered a temporary impairment to her vision and had a prolonged eye infection for five months, during which she had to look like Nick Fury the whole time. Eye patch…I meant she had to wear an eye patch.

Reportedly, she is suffering from insomnia and has been “haunted with nightmares” of Strangle Adam breaking into her house or assaulting her. That’s horrible, considering the only kind of nightmare anyone should be subjected to is accidentally walking in on our parents having sex or a murderous clown from a Stephen King novel. Add to that, she was in constant paranoia about bumping into Strangle Adam in school and her family members had to raise the DORSCON level at home to RED, with the victim’s stepfather checking that all windows and doors are locked every night.

On the other hand, Strangle Adam got off with a short detention order, community service, and the fact that he now has to report to a government nanny. More absurdly — he isn’t going to have a criminal record.

Yeah. That seems fair.

After he basically treated his ex like a first-year art student’s claymation project. And we have District Judge Marvin Bay and our legal framework to thank for that.

That’s justice rockstar Marvin Bay, according to a government website. Check out that rad ’90s haircut he’s rocking and that subtle ah-beng head tilt he opted for in that photoshoot. That’s how we know he is the badass we can count on to make judgements like this:

District Judge Marvin Bay noted that…in this case, Yin’s “relative youth, his rehabilitative prospects and his lack of (previous convictions)” made community based-sentences “a viable option”.

He also said he was satisfied that Strangle Adam “is not at high risk of reoffending”. However, he noted that the victim suffered a degree of psychological harm.

A degree of psychological harm? A degree? Really? That’s putting it rather mildly, isn’t it? In the 360 degrees of psychological harm a person might suffer in life, the degree that befell Strangle Adam’s ex is definitely more than one fucking degree, Marvin. You don’t need to go to law school to know that. Has sand ever gotten into your eye before? It hurts like hell. Now imagine if your ex treated your eye like it was a fucking PlayStation control pad.

And of course seeing that GE2020 just ended and the promises made to voters are still fresh on the minds of many, the PAP Women’s Wing and female PAP MPs were “dismayed” by the sentence, making statements like this:

Like many members of the public, we are dismayed that the sentence in this case appears disproportionate to the offence.

No shit. That’s why we elected you. To “express” your dismay while the government pays each of you an annual allowance of $195,600 as a problematic legal framework continues to give rise to people like Strangle Adam and Touchy Terrys — that’s what I call Terence Siow Kai Yuan, by the way.

And kudos to NUS for suspending Strangle Adam and barring him from setting foot on their campus. If there’s anything I’ve learned from District Judge Marvin Bay and our legal framework, it should be that suspension is enough. You know what, NUS? Once the public outcry dies down, let him finish his dentistry course. I can’t wait for someone like Strangle Adam to become a dentist so that he can put me under GA to remove my wisdom tooth with sharp tools while he is having a mental breakdown over girlfriend problems.

I used to think dating is choke-free — for the most part, except when it is consensual and involves a safe word like Bumfuzzle:

Now, my whole dating mindset has totally changed. As a guy, should I state explicitly in my dating profile that I am adverse to choking the fuck out of women when their love for me expire? Should I stop popping bubble wrap in front of my dates so as to assure them I won’t do the same to their eyes? I’m so confused.

Furthermore, ladies in Singapore will now have to add this acronym to their dating profile: PoBANA, or Post-breakup Asphyxiation Not Allowed — just to ward off potential Strangle Adams, because as we all know, us guys are just plain stupid. We need to be womansplain-ed that No Means No, that unsolicited dick pics are gross, and that any inappropriate references to your genitals or sexuality constituent sexual harassment.

So, in conclusion, ladies, if a dude on Coffee Meets Bagel ever claims he does community service, don’t be so sure it’s a sign of altruism or even voluntary. Nobody volunteers to do community service for an even 80 or 100 hours. Be sure to check if he has a quota to meet. That should give you a hint. And if your Tinder date ever gives you roses, just remember what it actually means: “I love you as much as I will fucking strangle you.”

Happy dating.

Side note: there is a petition circulating right now calling for Strangle Adam to be expelled: https://www.change.org/p/national-university-of-singapore-expulsion-from-nus-for-yin-zi-qin

Not saying if you should sign it or anything. It’s entirely your choice. But feel free to use the hashtag #SayNoToStrangleAdams if you do.