Dating : “To love is to be vulnerable”

As I sat rummaging through the books in the AirBnB home we had rented, I found, two life changing books- “The Four Loves” and “Daring Greatly.”

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -C S Lewis

I had always been strong and I liked it. The classic “I can do it all” attitude and with the “Don’t need no love , don’t need nobody,” groove.. I was bulletproof!

Vulnerability and the risks, uncertainty, emotional exposure it brought with it, were ok in other people, but I had been afraid to let anyone see them in me.(Brown)

Here I was, curled up on a sofa, no care in the world reading, knowing I had thrown that fear away and surrendered myself completely. It was liberating to find the courage to be vulnerable and love with full intensity and depth. It was blissful to drown in those eyes which promised love to my loveless soul as I homed into arms Ithough my safe haven.

But carried away in those emotions, in the passion of my love story, unknown to me was that I had also thrown away every caution to the wind.

Did it damage me? YES! Did it Destroy me? NO! Do I regret it ? NO!

Do I have a story? Yes! The story of love, of fluttering heart beats, of passion, of dreams that made me float in air and dance in clouds, of deceit, of loss, of desolation and of a struggle and emergence. The story of a little broken, more stronger, braver, tender ME!

Love came into my life like a storm, a squall that pervaded the quietudes of my mind, heart and soul….I was completely drawn in. I loved being loved and those floods of feel-good chemicals keeping me in a heightened sense of euphoria. I traversed the distance from attraction to attachment rather quickly and was living a relationship that wasn’t real. There was a before and an after and the reality in between. The reality was a mere delusion for someone while I was living the most liberating, intense and deep moments of my life.

The heart never listens and mine had betrayed me from the moment I met him. It denounced every reason, every warning, not once but over and over again as I slowly invested myself completely into the emotions. The idolization made me devalue my own needs, handing them over “in his care.” Vulnerability has two sides at variance..love and anger; tender moments and endless cold snubs; discussions and blame; explanations and apologies. Vulnerable and exposed, I was walking on shattered glass.

I’m figuring out this now, that it was not about him at all. The moments of happiness, ecstasy were all delusions that had not even reached his being. He had done what he knew best-idolize, devalue and discard! And he had done it well and with complete intensity and honesty.

This was about something in me that needed to Dare Greatly. “Daring greatly is being brave and afraid every minute of the day at the exact same time.” Brene Brown. Something that I had so disowned, that it required the ton of bricks and finally to be knocked unconscious, for me to see it .

The greatest gift that he had given me — to be gentle with me , make a conscious effort to look within, with tenderness, care, love, forgiveness and support.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage” Brene Brown.

I had been courageous and vulnerable ..I had shown up -for love, for life, for myself .