Dating : The Perfect Man For Me

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As a divorced female, I have done a lot of thinking about relationships. Specifically, I’ve pondered what went wrong in all of mine. And, also how I do not want to be in one ever again, but I also kind of do. I mean, I enjoy living alone and being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. I love not having to take someone else’s preferences into account when I choose how to set my thermostat. But, sometimes, it might be nice to have a special someone in my life. It would be lovely to have someone who has to pretend I don’t ramble on too long when I tell stories and to help me put together IKEA furniture because THAT IS JUST WHAT YOU DO AS PART OF A COUPLE.

I may decide to take on having a significant other if I can find a man who meets the following requirements:

He must be an orphan

When I was married, I quickly learned that it made for quite a long week when the in-laws came to visit. It can be hard enough to navigate relationships with your own family. When you get married, you are not just marrying your spouse, you are also marrying their family. If you have not considered this fact, I recommend you do so immediately! Like I said, it can be difficult dealing with your own loved ones. Imagine having to traipse through relationships with people you are not required to love by virtue of being blood-related. That love is even hard to fake! So, for these reasons, if I want to have a longterm relationship ever again, I will have to find a man who is totally devoid of family connections.

Of course, a distant rich aunt or uncle who might leave him a sizeable inheritance would be acceptable. But he must not have parents, brothers, sisters, first cousins, or anything of the sort. I would prefer a man who wasn’t orphaned until a later age, preferably after age four, the age at which experts feel personality is set. This way, he will have had a (hopefully) loving influence in his life during those crucial formative years. But, then he won’t have anyone available to stay at his house for two weeks after he is in a committed relationship with a significant other.

He must be mute

I understand that good relationships are built on effective communication and that communication is a two-way street. But, my marriage to a disagreeable person taught me that sometimes one-way communication is even better! So, if my significant other is mute, that would be ideal.

He must not like adult contemporary music

There are dealbreakers, and then there are dealbreakers. Asking me to bring a third person into my relationship in the form of Peter Cetera is asking just a little too much.

He must not drive a tiny sports car

Okay, I’ll admit it. I carry an extraordinary prejudice against small sports cars. First, there is not enough room in them for all of my stuff and my pets. Second, I have seen way too many men who look like they should be appearing in Life Alert commercials driving them for me to believe that men who choose tiny sports cars are not trying to compensate for something.

He must not wear loafers with shorts

Few looks trouble me as much as loafers, with no socks, paired with khaki shorts that are slightly too short. While I know appearances are just on the outside, in a successful relationship, I would have to see that appearance all the time. Besides, everyone knows that, on their 35th birthday, men wake up with the non-optional gifts of back pain and wearing cargo shorts for the remainder of their lives!

He must have the same definition of commitment that I do

Now, don’t think I am some kind of raging harlot, cavorting about town looking for any man with a pulse, and, with dating being as it is today, possibly without a pulse. I do have to tell you that I do not plan to get married again. I am really less than enthusiastic about sharing my living space with anyone who does not poop in a box, so there would need to be some limits. (If you know a man who does poop in a box, please do not introduce me to him.) For example, my perfect man and I would keep separate residences, for times when I just needed him to go away for a little while. Also, so I could use an entire room of the house as a closet.

I am not saying it is likely, but if I were to find this amazing man, I might consider dating again. For now, I am content to share my life with the current man of my dreams, Charlie, who, in addition to pooping in a box, does not make any demands on me.

This article was originally published on my blog Spinach in Your Teeth.

Please also check out my first novel, The Case of the Flying Trapeze.