Dating : How To Date Someone With Anxiety

Everybody deserves to be loved and understood.

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and I’ve long since accepted that anxiety will always be something I have to work to overcome. Most days, I’m ok with it — but it’s hard to expect everyone else to always be ok with it too, especially when it comes to romantic partners.

Dating with anxiety is often not easy. It can turn otherwise simple outings or activities into stressful ones, and it can take patience and strength to make it work. Ultimately, I know it’s on me to work on coping with my anxiety, but it’s always helpful when a partner is willing to listen to what I need and help me along my journey.

Everyone is different. What works for one person won’t always work for another, but regardless, here’s what I’ve learned over the past several years about how to date someone with anxiety.

Give them time to adjust to change.

Not handling change well is a huge trademark of people with anxiety. It’s not that I don’t want to “go with the flow” —believe me, I want to be spontaneous. When something changes though, it often triggers my anxiety, and so even if the new plan is wonderful and works just as well as the old plan, it can still be hard for me to go along with it without feeling all kinds of discomfort.

If you have to change a plan or do something a little differently than expected, try to give your partner advanced notice so they have time to adjust to the change. If that’s not possible, try to be patient with them while they process it.

If they seem upset when you first mention the change, give them a minute rather than being visibly annoyed by their reaction. It probably has more to do with their anxiety kicking in than them actually being upset. If you give them a little time to adjust to the change, chances are, they’ll be just fine.

Find out what their coping strategies are.

Everyone who has anxiety copes with it differently. One coping mechanism isn’t always going to work for everyone. Telling your partner to breathe through the anxiety or asking them to talk to you about what’s making them anxious could be perfect — or it could make things worse.

Ask your partner what their coping strategies are, and also accept that these strategies may change depending on the situation. Even non anxious people have coping strategies (or should, anyway) for when they get upset about something. Anxious people may just need to use them a little more often, and that’s ok. If you’re aware of what they usually like to do to calm themselves down when they’re anxious, you’ll feel a lot less helpless in the moment.

Ask them what they need.

Obviously, it’s up to an individual with anxiety to let the people they love know how to best help them when they’re feeling anxious. However, in a moment of anxiety, it still doesn’t hurt to ask your partner what they need. What they needed during their last bout of anxiety could be different than what they need during the latest one.

Even just saying, “If there’s anything you need, I’m here for you,” can be a huge help. Anxiety can feel very isolating. Checking in with your partner about what they need can do wonders to curb that feeling.

Don’t be offended if what they need is space. Don’t be offended if they don’t know how to tell you what they need. All you can do is ask. That’s enough.

Let panic attacks happen.

For some people who struggle with anxiety, panic attacks are inevitable. If you see your partner slipping into one, sometimes, doing everything you can to stop it from happening is only going to make it worse. Personally, feeling like I absolutely cannot have a panic attack right now is definitely only going to make me have one faster. If your actions are essentially saying to your partner that it would be the worst thing ever if they had a panic attack in that moment, that definitely isn’t going to help anything.

Even if you don’t think that’s what you’re saying by trying to stop your partner from having a panic attack, that’s often what anxiety hears.

Instead, let your partner know that it’s ok. Find them a quiet space away from other people if you can, and wait it out with them. Panic attacks happen. It’s not the end of the world.

Treat them the same as everyone else.

Sometimes people who struggle with anxiety may need accommodations in certain situations, and if we do, it’s up to us to let our friends and partners know. However, I know that I personally don’t want people tiptoeing around me just because I have anxiety and they’re afraid they’re going to set it off.

I have anxiety, yes, but I’m still an adult who is responsible for her own choices and actions. I have anxiety, but I’m not afraid of it, and I always hope my friends and partners aren’t either.

If you have something to tell your partner but you’re afraid it’s going to set off their anxiety, tell them anyway. They can handle it, and even with their anxiety, they still deserve to know. If it makes them upset or does end up setting off their anxiety, that’s ok. Honestly, the not knowing something is often the worst part, and once the shock of the new information has worn off, usually anxiety wears off too.

If you’re in a social situation and you sense something might set off your partner’s anxiety, don’t draw attention to it. Try to talk to them discretely if you can, and if not, just wait for them to let you know what they need. If there’s something subtle you can do to help, then fine, but drawing a ton of attention to the fact that something might set off your partner’s anxiety is probably only going to make things worse.

Ultimately, dating someone with anxiety is the same as regular dating — just communicate with your partner and find out what they need. More often than not, it’s as simple as that.