Dating : Pitching Your Writing is Just Like Sending Dick Pics

I’ve been sitting on this. (No pun intended.)

Dick pics. They basically all say something like I think this is pretty hot stuff, don’t you?

Does that ring a bell? To me, a writer looking to get my, well, long- and short-form writing in front of people, that sounds exactly like the submissions process.

Getting your writing accepted is simple: ‘Just’ write what an editor is looking for. But it’s not easy.

Getting it on with someone is simple: ‘Just’ be what they’re looking for. But it’s not easy.

Tim described pitching famed podcaster, writer, and speaker James Altucher. He got all excited offering to “help James on this platform.” He was persistent in his multi-channel approach hoping to reach James somewhere on social media. Alas, in the end, he received no response.

As loyal readers would expect, Tim found some illuminating bits to share from his journey. Here’s one of the lessons learned:

To send a pitch is to believe in yourself.

100% agreed, Tim.

Whether pitching a VIP or pitching a, um, tent…it takes a good amount of self-confidence and excitement. Every query letter, every Word attachment, and every draft link requires a firm faith. As with a dick pic.

Knowing that to pitch a dream publication or Internet big-shot is a kind of hoping against hope, Tim also advised:

Pitch for the joy, not the reply.

Do it for the joy, said influencer Tim Denning himself. Do it! Enjoy! Right?

When I look at a submission email address, I notice the way its very click-ability wears down my inhibition: Open a new draft. Type a greeting. Attach a file. Hit Send.

Should I???

Fuck it. Let’s do it. Let them tell me if they like it.

The temptation to get something out of your, uh, hands, is strong. When you throw caution to the wind, sending a treasured part of yourself nakedly into the universe…well, that is pretty damn titillating.

Despite not being an owner of that which gave rise to the eggplant emoji, I’m sure, cock-sure, that southern-exposure photogs are also familiar with just how sending the Send button is.

There’s just one pickle.

In hooking up as in getting published, effort is inversely proportional to your odds of being chosen.

If it’s so easy, it means everybody and your cousin is doin’ it. And his cousins and their cousins.

Lots of competition; a minuscule probability of getting in. (I swear, there isn’t a double entendre, or two, here.) And that’s why Tim also recommended:

Expect rejection as the likely result.

Whether your intentions are erotic or literary, this is sensible guidance indeed.

Sorry if that got a rise out of anyone.

And I’m not equating the horror sprung upon your average editor with what an unsuspecting woman on the Internet has to take in, faced with an unsolicited ‘submission.’

Okay, maybe they both gag, but I think we can all agree one type of package is slightly harder to swallow than the other.

What I’m saying is whether you’re pitching a professional or amorous prospect:

1. Get to know, deeply, what they like.

2. Don’t be fooled by how easy it is to slide into their Inbox.

3. Confirm that they also want you, at this moment.

4. Tailor your pitch to them. Make them scream yes.

And, not to stretch the point out: