Dating : Do These 7 Things If You Want to Destroy All of Your Relationships

#6 — forgive someone too quickly.

My best friend slept with my roommate’s fiance.

Hang on, it gets worse.

Immediately after, she called my fiance up at midnight and confessed to him. She cried. She begged him to keep it a secret.

Then she asked him out for coffee. They wound up going for a long walk. They talked about me, and our sex life. He described what I was like in bed, including what turned him off.

The next day, my fiance told me my best friend was asking him to keep a big secret for her. “I can’t tell you what it is.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“She said you’d probably never speak to her again.”

I threatened to break up with him if he didn’t tell me. So he told me.

We had makeup sex.

Then I confronted my friend. We had a big blowout argument. We made up. That night, we all went out for drinks. My friend couldn’t keep her hands off my fiance. She showered him in compliments.

I pretended it was okay.

Smart, right?

Six months later, all of my relationships were in tatters.

My engagement was over.

There’s a lot to unpack here. Basically, everyone I knew broke every relationship sin you can imagine within a span of 48 hours. It’s hard to imagine screwing up that many things at once.

Here’s everything you shouldn’t do:

This sounds obvious.

But you know what? When hormones get involved, you tend to excuse yourself from behavior you know is wrong.

You tell yourself it’s okay.

Here’s your reminder: It’s never okay. You always have control. You always know what you’re doing. When people cheat, they always put themselves in situations where it’s likely to happen.

They act surprised.

It’s one of the worst forms of self-deception.

It’s one thing to cheat with a stranger. Messing around with your friends, that’s a different level of bad. It’s not just about the sex. It’s about the cover up, and all the lying you do afterward. There’s no way to rationalize it. My best friend tried. She lost.

If you love someone, you don’t have to tell them absolutely everything about your life. They don’t need to know every single joint you smoked in college, or every single thing you’re embarrassed about.

Going out of your way to hide something, that’s different.

That’s deception.

The reason doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if it’s your secret, or a secret you were burdened with. You can’t hide things from your partner, especially if you know it’s important to them. It creates all kinds of invisible boundaries. You’re preventing them from making healthy choices.

If you know your partner would act on a piece of information, then you can’t conceal it. That’s not love. It’s sabotage.

You can’t love someone and then undermine them.

Relationships have deal breakers.

You can outline deal breakers. Those involve things like trust and respect. They’re foundational to healthy relationships. If someone’s not keeping up their end, tell them. Give them a chance to make it right.

Don’t threaten them.

You can’t run a healthy relationship with threats and ultimatums. The reason doesn’t matter. Even if you’re justified, framing your stance as a threat throws off the dynamics. It’s always a form of manipulation.

You want your partner to do the right thing because they actually care about you, and know how to contribute. You don’t want them to do the right thing just because they’re scared of losing you.

Threats cause long term damage.

Talking about your sex life is fine. It’s your call. It depends on your friendships. Make sure your partner is okay with it. Don’t talk about your love life behind their back.

Again, that sounds obvious to some people. It’s clearly not obvious to everyone, or they wouldn’t do it so often.

It’s also fine to see a sex therapist. None of that has anything to do with the sin of complaining about your partner to your friends. Don’t do that. It’s one of the worst things you can do.

Trust me, they’ll find out eventually.

God help you.

Being a doormat isn’t the solution to possessiveness.

Your partner is allowed to talk to members of the opposite sex. They’re allowed to have their own friends. They’re allowed to hug other people without getting the evil eye from you.

Your partner isn’t allowed to hang out with someone who’s actively trying to date them. They’re not allowed to strum their hands in other people’s hair. They’re not allowed to get free massages from strangers at parties (or give them). They’re not allowed to cuddle with someone while you’re out of town. You’re allowed to have a problem with all this stuff.

You’re allowed to talk about behavior that bothers you. Don’t let them make you feel guilty or jealous.

Don’t let them tell you how you should feel.

That’s a burning red flag.

We give forgiveness too much credit.

Some of the worst mistakes I made were forgiving someone. Forgiving a friend for betraying your trust. Forgiving a partner for cheating on you. These aren’t things you do lightly.

Definitely don’t forgive someone and then go get drunk with them, just like it’s old times and everything’s just fine.

Show yourself some respect.

When someone screws up, make them earn their forgiveness. Make them show that you can trust them again. Nobody’s entitled to your forgiveness, or a second chance. It’s a privilege you give them. If they’re not going to treat it like that, you’re better off without them.

Sometimes you have to amputate someone from your life, to keep them from ruining the rest of your relationships.

You also have to save yourself. After all, you’re one of the things the rest of your relationships have in common. If you let one bad relationship infect you, then you could infect the the rest. So don’t keep someone around simply because they’re interesting or fun to hang out with. Don’t keep dating someone because they’re attractive, or you’re afraid to be single for a little while. Cut them off. Cauterize the wound.

You don’t have to cause a scene.

Not every relationship has to end with a dramatic breakup speech. Not every friendship splits with a bunch of shouting and wild accusations. That’s just something we learned from pop culture.

Sometimes, you can just stop being the one who always texts them first. It’s really that easy. Sure, it hurts to think you mean that little to someone. But if that’s true, you don’t need them.

Deciding to end a relationship is hard.

Ending it can be simple.

Almost everything on this list is about being afraid. Specifically, it’s about being afraid to be alone.

The biggest mistakes I’ve made in my relationships all had that same fear in common. It took some time away from relationships to help me understand the truth. You can’t define relationships as the opposite of solitude. When you try, you wind up making all the wrong choices.

It makes you selfish.

When you’re a selfish coward like I was back then, you’ll always destroy your relationships — no matter how hard you try. If you don’t sabotage them yourself, you’ll let other people do it for you.

Get over your fear of being alone first.

Once you do that, then you’ll start making decisions that are good for the relationships, and not just yourself.