Dating : Dating After A Toxic Relationship

Because more than half of the people in the United States will experience a form of trauma in their lifetime, this statistic includes those who have experienced a toxic intimate relationship and are now living with the after-effects.

Dating again after having experienced a toxic relationship is nerve-wracking and emotionally challenging. You may struggle with getting to know a new person because your trust may have been shattered in an old relationship, or you may hold ideas about relationships, keeping you on heightened alert and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And, while these are perfectly normal reactions to abnormal relationship situations, they should be addressed and healed before engaging in a new relationship.

It Didn’t Start With Your Ex. Sure, we would probably love to pin everything on our ex as just some jackal who we unfortunately wasted our heart and time on. And, sure, if they were toxic, then their agenda wasn’t about loving us, but about getting their own needs met. This is nothing new.

However, what may be new is recognizing that our ex was a continuation of what we were likely taught to believe about ourselves or about relationships.

Those treated as worthless or without value early in life, will tend to seek out similar throughout their life as “validation” of their worthlessness. And with every toxic relationship they get tangled up in, it strengthens their misbeliefs about themselves and their feelings of worthlessness.

Or, others may have been taught that relationships are based on getting what you can, then leaving, or that a partner is only going to ‘use and abuse’ them, so trust no one and think only of yourself. These misbeliefs about relationships get strengthened with each emotionally unavailable partner chosen or with every self-sabotaging behavior that plays out.

Educating ourselves is our biggest strength in helping us recognize where our idea of ourselves, and relationships was shaped and learned. By figuring out where wrong messages, misinformation and toxic generational patterns were learned, we’re empowering ourselves.

Recognize Your Motivations. Two of the most important motivations to consider are: why you’re wanting a new relationship and what is motivating you to be interested in this person.

By digging deeper in understanding our motivations, we can begin peeling back the layers — are we motivated by a fear of being alone, or are we motivated by wanting to get back at an ex? Or, have we addressed our needs and are motivated by the right reasons that we’re authentically interested in that person?

Recognize How (or Whether) To Trust. We’ve probably all heard that trust is when word and deed add up. Inconsistencies in saying one thing but doing another are a red flag not to trust. For example, think back to a toxic relationship and start piecing together the misaligned information. Maybe they claimed they never used dating apps, but you found out they have, or maybe there were other inconsistencies in their word versus their behavior.

However, trusting others can’t happen until we’re comfortable trusting ourselves. Until that moment, anyone and everyone will be kept at arms-distance out of self-preservation. Building self-trust is a process and can only happen over time, with consistency between what is said and done, with open communication and in building competency in trusting yourself.

Part of building self-trust is in trusting our instincts. If someone gives off vibes that trigger you, trust this feeling and don’t rationalize your feelings or your intuition.

Ditch the Dating Apps. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, people met, dated, and had amazing relationships before Tinder and its reported 340 million downloads, and 6 million paying subscribers. The fact is, research has once again provided evidence that supports dating apps as a go-to for toxic personalities, including high rates of those reporting with both narcissistic and Machiavellian traits.

With so many options at our fingertips, it seems that chivalry and old school dating are literally a thing of the past. Yet, when reading up on the gravity of some of dating sites, it may make you think twice, especially if you’ve gotten out of a toxic relationship as many of us have.

Some options to consider are going out with a group of friends, having a friend hook you up with someone they know, meeting up with coworkers after work, or volunteering for a group or foundation that you’re passionate about. When you meet someone in person, they can’t hide behind ‘keyboard confidence’ or the mask of a dating app.

Take It Slow. Give yourself time, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. Getting back out there after having experienced a toxic situation is act of bravery and courage. If you’ve experienced heartbreak or significant trauma, it may take you even longer to feel comfortable or safe around someone new. Starting out slowly, with a simple and short date can work best, and gradually building up time spent, along with your confidence and trust is always a safest.

Cultivating Intimacy. Intimacy shouldn’t be confused with sex. Sex is actually quite impersonal; however, intimacy is not. Those who have experienced a toxic relationship can struggle with intimacy and may feel unsafe in any relationship.

This makes sense; if you were abandoned by someone you loved or trusted with your heart, you may emotionally shut down where you’ve chosen to never be emotionally vulnerable again. Or, if you went unheard or your feelings weren’t taken into consideration, you may struggle with moments of feeling vulnerable, or in saying what is on your mind.

With intimacy, we’re at our most vulnerable with our partner, where trust is mutually exchanged, and transparent. Intimacy is something that builds over time and through communication. Once you’ve gotten to a place of feeling safe around them, you can begin cultivating more intimacy and a deeper connection.