Dating : . Stained Angel

. Stained Angel

One stab, two stabs, three stabs, four, ten stabs… yet I can’t seem to stop myself. The pain inflicted upon him by the knife piercing through his body can never compare to the pain he inflicted upon me. Seventeen years of brutal pain since the day I turned four, a pain that sadly didn’t kill me. I know he’s been dead since the fourth stab when I stopped hearing his gagging causing him to choke on his own blood. I seem to have given him too much mercy by allowing him to die so quickly with so little pain. I should have killed him more brutally, but the anger that rushed through my body overpowered me with the desire to just make everything stop; make it stop, make him stop. My life began to crumble down to destruction the day it all began. He took everything away from me; my sense of security and purity.

The day it all began the sun shone bright glaring through the white with pink polka dot curtains in my room. He walked in and sat on the rusty brown couch facing my 12-inch plasma TV. I had been sitting there all morning watching cartoons. I was too young to understand his actions as I was watching Dora. “ To help Dora climb, you gotta say subida. Can you say ”subida?” asked boots. As I sat screaming “Subida” to the television screen, he grabbed me and sat me on his lap. He slowly slid his hand inside my pants rubbing harshly in between my thighs until it began to burn like open flames in the wind. Having seen him do this to many girls before, at the park, I thought it was normal. My mind could not focus on anything beyond the small crack in between the door leading to the living room hoping someone would enter.

As I grew older his animal desires grew within forcing them upon me, me — his only daughter. It wasn’t until I was nine that I became aware of what was going on. Yet no matter the pain I began to feel, the words for help could not escape my mouth. For he had taught me to stay hushed for fear of what might happen — not to me, but himself. I knew what he was doing to me all these years was wrong and punishable by the law, by the goddamn law. So if what he did could go unnoticed for so long; maybe I could get away with this, for no one had to know; no one would know.

I vividly remember the night of my thirteenth birthday, the fun and laughter that filled the morning air. It wouldn’t last long as a dark gloomy storm was approaching. I entered my room, put on my sleeping gown, ready to head to bed, but from afar I could hear the dust devil winds start to gather. I began to doze off when the ghost of my nightmare approached my bed lying silently, holding me against his chest. Grooming me while sculpting my body with his lightning fingertips. Whispering in my ear, “Don’t be scared darling, papa would never hurt you. This will be our little secret, our forever secret. You can’t tell your mom, she won’t understand; she’ll just try to tell you that our love is wrong.” I laid silently hoping it wouldn’t be worse than last time but I shouldn’t have been so hopeful. I shivered as his ice-cold fingers pushed down my underwear, moving in between my thighs. His fingers began carving within me, hurting my insides as if my guts were being ripped out. I felt cold wet drops rolling down the side of my cheeks as I lay helplessly. He proceeded to mount me; as I shut my eyes in an attempt to escape the reality and pain of it all.

I recalled the laughter I shared earlier with my friends as we enjoyed being children, running around on the grass chasing each other.

I yelped with pain as he invaded himself inside me. Pleading to him, “Dad, stop, you’re hurting me. It hurts. Please dad, please you’re hurting me.” He didn’t stop, he only grew angrier, forcing himself deeper in as I felt everything beneath ripping open. I felt my soul slowly floating away as if a part of me had just died within. He continued till he grew tired, harshly panting. He rolled off me caressing my hair as he said, “You’re growing beautifully, Mia, just like your Mother. Remember you’ll always be mine. Nobody is gonna take you away from me. You have to be a good girl. Don’t tell anyone because you wouldn’t want me mad at you, right, Mia ?”

The following morning I woke up, with my whole body aching as if a bus had run me over. I propped myself against the bed frame as each movement felt like blades slashing through my pale white skin. I looked below to find my sleeping gown covered in the darkest shade of red. I lifted my gown to find my cherry printed underwear stained in dried blood. I grew scared of my mother finding me this way.

I could smell the delicious sizzling bacon cooking in the kitchen. As I heard my mother’s sweet angelic voice, “Mia, honey wake up you’re gonna be late for school.” I couldn’t bear to see the pain on her face if she were to find me this way. I quickly replied, “I’m coming mom I just need to shower first.” I hurried off the bed as each bone threatened to collapse beneath my body. I bit my teeth harshly together containing the excruciating pain within. As I stood under the showerhead I felt a warm flow of liquid dripping from right beneath my eyes; a river pouring more harshly than the water coming from above. I rubbed my body clean but the dirt would not go away. Rubbing so harsh my skin could peel off but I still felt the dirt all over; his touch staying on me. No matter the amount of soap or scrubbing it would not go away. The stain from that night would forever remain a part of me. I hurried off to hide my bedsheets and clothes knowing he’ll later come to clean them off. He always made sure to clean the blood away to shield my mother from this twist dark secret.

I walked to my mother, embracing her in a tight secure hug. The warmth of her body reassuring me I would be okay. I wish she could have protected me from him but the roles were now switched. I had to protect her from the pain of knowing. She had done everything for me. I couldn’t hurt her this way. I felt a duty to do what she couldn’t: protect me.

I sat at the table as he walked into the room. He approached me, wrapping his hands over my shoulders; placing his head above mine saying, “Good Morning, Mia, hope you slept well.” As if he didn’t know I couldn’t get much sleep after what he did to me. He sniffed my hair and coldly whispered into my ear, “ You smell great, darling, just like a true woman.” The hairs on my arm raised as I shivered with disgust. I needed nothing more than to escape his presence.

Every day for the next four years was full of torture and self-loathing. I couldn’t bear to see the girl in the mirror as she was no longer the girl I knew. She never again smiled her beautiful smile that would reach her tender hazel eyes. She had transformed her long brown hair into blue hair right above her shoulders. The changes she made to herself to hide the disgust from within. She could never love herself for she felt unworthy of love. She walked around with layers of clothes so she wouldn’t provoke any man out there.

Those were the thoughts I began to have. He made me hate every little thing about myself; forcing me to try to change. I couldn’t compare myself to the girls at school. Every guy I saw walked past me; looked like the devil himself. Every guy was him; I couldn’t seem to escape him. I saw him in my sleep, in the street, in school, in my textbook, and every night when he did me wrong. I cried helplessly as he would leave me there to die in sorrow.

He nailed the guilt into my brain, it was all my fault, my fault. I deserved what I got as I provoked him by the way I walked, the way I dressed, the way I would breathe, and simply by living. Every change I made was a helpless attempt since it would still all be my fault. According to him, he did nothing wrong; he just fulfilled my desires. I never wanted it; I never asked for it. I never said yes, never did I consent so please tell how I asked for it. I was only four, fuckin’ four, dad when you began; how did I possibly ask for this? You wanted it; you were the one at fault. You were the problem’ cause no matter what I did, you would have still found an excuse to make me yours.

When every girl started to get butterflies in their stomach for a “cute” boy they liked, all I could feel were worms of disgust. For every guy carried a stench of you. When a guy called me beautiful; your voice echoed in my head, repeating those words. I thought they wanted to do to me, what you did every time you said those words. I thought every guy was a hideous monster like you. The disgust and hate in my veins were created by you as you could never allow me to live in peace.

My mother would soon find out but of course, you wouldn’t remember that night. I came home crying as if my world had fallen apart because within me the pain was too strong. My mom held me tight as I dropped to the floor. Crying in her warm embrace making me feel like everything would be alright. “ Mia, baby tell me what’s wrong?” my mom gently asked. “Mom, he wanted to hurt me. He held me tight against his chest as he began to caress my hair. He desired me like that monster all those years. I could see it in his eyes, his hunger, his lust; all I could remember were all those nights the devil would hurt me,” I cried to her. “ Mia, who is he? Who has hurt you? What monster? What devil, Mia? Honey, please talk to me. Don’t be scared mommy is going help you. I’ll always protect you” she said. “Jeremy from school approached me on the street. He began to pull at my clothes saying I should show him something more. Mom he wanted to hurt me, he wanted to make me his. All I could remember is Dad coming into my room every night while you were at work. Mom, Dad raped every night since I turned 13. Even before that he began to molest me when I turned four. ” I blurted out.

. Involuntarily I began to cry my heart out. I could never forget the anger and pain that flashed through her eyes. “ oh baby, I’m sorry. This is all my fault I should have never left you with that monster. Oh god, what have I done? I worked so hard to give you the best life I could. I never knew I was only hurting you. I was supposed to protect you but I’ve failed you miserably. Don’t you worry, he’ll pay for this. He’ll never again hurt you. Even if it’s the last thing I do. I will make him pay for making you suffer. I’ll kill him myself if I have to. Oh god seventeen years, seventeen fuckin years where was I all this time?” she cried.

Just then the devil walked in grinning so happily, I knew what this meant. He had just finished hurting another little girl. He ruined another life; another girl who wouldn’t be able to see herself the same way. Another girl I failed to protect by hiding his secret. I had the power to end him but I let the fear control me. Every time he would come to me and say “ Don’t worry Mia you’ll always be my favorite.”

My mother approached him with such fury yelling to his face “ You fuckin coward. What have you done? You’ve hurt my baby, your own fuckin daughter. You promised to protect her but instead, you’ve hurt her. You’ll never lay another finger on her that I promise you. I’m gonna fucken kill you. Prison will never be enough for an animal like you. How did I ever marry such. a disgusting monster? Eres un mendigo pinche desgraciado! Y no te preocupes en escapar o huir Como un cobarde Porque yo misma me encargo de fundirte en la cárcel para que te pudras Como el animal que eres! ” She began to punch and slap him as he quickly reacted grabbing her arm in a tight firm grip.

He twisted her arm behind her back as she fought against him. His other hand quickly held a handful of her hair. Glancing at me with the angriest eyes filled with fury as he said to me“ I warned you, Mia. I told you to be a good girl; you’ve disobeyed me. This is your fault just like everything else.” He grabbed her and began to bang her head on the table as blood gushed from her whole face. I ran towards him trying to fight against him. He let go of her hand and slapped me down. Dragging her by the hair into their bedroom as she lost the will to fight back like if she had accepted her fate against him.

He tied her up in braided ropes to hold her down. He grabbed her by her chin and coldheartedly told her “ Don’t close your eyes. I’ve kept you from seeing this all these years but now that you know. I want you to watch as I make her mine and just like all these years you won’t be able to help her.” She spit at his face and angrily shouted “ Don’t you dare touch her. You bastard don’t touch her. Don’t put a single finger on her.” She shifted her attention to me and she pleaded to me “ Mia run, get away from here. Go, Mia, Go, and don’t look back”, just then she managed to kick him down. I bolted to the door but I couldn’t manage to open the door when he caught me.

He tightened his grip around my waist, swiftly lifting me carrying me to my mother while I fought against him kicking and scratching him all the way. My mother was trying to loosen the rope’s grip, but she couldn’t. He tossed me on the ground while she cried with pain no noise coming out just desperate attempts to catch her breath. The inner beast unleashed, worse than ever. Tore apart my clothes with his claws, didn’t hesitate a single moment as he made me his. I laid helplessly as there was no point in fighting back. My mother seemed a different shade; paler than ever as if she could pass. He ripped my insides open, ripping everything out. This might be the end of me. Harsher than ever, using objects like a broomstick which he’d never used before, feeling as if it went on for hours until he finally grew tired.

He stood up leaving me there to await my death. He walked to the kitchen returning with a sharp knife. He picked up my mother who seemed soulless. Bringing her over to me with one quick movement; slashing her throat open, throwing her lifeless body to me; tauntly saying “ I warned you, Mia, I told you to be a good girl and you wouldn’t listen. I told you not to get me mad but you still pushed me to my limit. Now here’s your punishment. Don’t ever disobey me again, this is all your fault, your fault.”

When I finally gained the strength to stand up; anger so vivid rushed through my body. Every night he hurt me, all the problems that arose from those nights, all the other girls he hurt the same way, and most of all having just killed the only person I loved. He killed my mother; my only will to live and maintain strong. The only one who kept me sane all these years.

I could hear his snoring coming from my bedroom. I rushed to the knife he left beside me bolting right through the door. Just as I approached our bed his eyes bolted wide open. I stabbed him through his left rib just as his eyes opened wider with fear. “ Mia drop the knife, you’ve done enough darling. Don’t do anything you might regret. Come on now honey drop the knife. Be a nice girl like I’ve taught you all these years. Come lay next to me, I’ll make you feel okay.”

His voice drove me crazy as all his words echoed in my head. I needed him to shut up. To leave me alone for all of this to stop. I needed this voice in my head to stop to leave me alone. I need his fingertips to leave my body. I need his stench to leave. I couldn’t take it any longer. He needed to pay, the same brutal way he tortured me. I hate him so much for not being the father I wanted. I needed him to protect me from guys who would’ve harmed me not for him to do it.

It’s been 4 years since the night I killed him but everything still replays in my head as if it had just been last night. One stab, two stabs, three stabs, four, ten stabs… yet I couldn’t seem to stop myself.