Dating : 5 Ways To Have An Incredible First Date

Imagine going on 121 dates before stumbling upon the person you wanted to spend forever with, and you have a glimpse of Wendy Newman’s life. As a dating expert and author of 121 First Dates: How to Succeed at Online Dating, Fall in Love, and Live Happily Ever After (Really!), out on January 12, Newman has been in just about every first-date situation imaginable, from meeting someone who drastically lied about his age to getting that tingly feeling that something magical was about to happen. Here, she explains 16 different things she learned in the 10 years of dating it took before she met her partner, Dave, in February 2013.

This is technically something you do before the first date, but it can definitely inform how well it goes. “I’m a size 16, so I was always nervous to represent myself as me,” says Newman. At first she’d included an admittedly awesome photo of herself on her online dating profile, but it wasn’t 100 percent representative. She realized that may have been a mistake when Date Nine looked her up and down then frowned, very clearly surprised by what he saw. “We had a torturous three-hour dinner where he didn’t talk to me but kept ordering more food,” she says. Of course it’s smart to use attractive photos, but they’re going to see you anyway. No point hiding the real you!

“So, why are you single?” is high on the list of date questions that double as minefields. It’s all too easy to work yourself up over crafting the perfect answer when really, being single isn’t some terrible affliction in need of explanation. It’s everyone’s default status, after all. “I stopped asking people why they were single and assumed it was for valid reasons,” she says. And if someone asked her the question? She’d respond with, ‘I was married for 10 years, and we separated for totally valid reasons that I’ll tell you about when I know you better.” Her dates usually respected that boundary.

Sometimes the idea of going on yet another first date with yet another person to see, yet again, if something’s there gets to be too much. In those moments, remind yourself of this crucial fact: all you’re looking for is one person who’s a match, and that can happen at any time. “Also, if you’re dating online, the pool is constantly refreshed,” says Newman.

Knowing that it only takes one doesn’t automatically mean there only is one. “In all that dating, I met 121 different men, and I saw 121 different futures,” says Newman. “I found my person, but I met a lot of amazing men along the way.” Looking at your odds — there are so many people out there, so of course more than one might make you happy! — can help reduce some of the pressure to force something when it may not be there, and some of the disappointment if it isn’t.

Newman loves high heels, so she continued wearing them even though they sometimes threw a wrench into things. “We all know ‘6 feet’ can be code for ‘5-foot-10’ on dating profiles. I’m 5-foot-7, so I kept showing up and towering over my dates, which wasn’t fun for me,” she says. But did she stop wearing the heels? Nah, because that misrepresentation wasn’t on her, and they made her feel confident