h2>Dating : 10 Things I Wish I Could Tell People on My Dating App
Let’s be honest, dating is HARD! Even just meeting people is difficult. We communicate with hundreds or even thousands of people on a weekly basis whether it’s at work, in friend groups, on social media, networking, you name it. But for some of us, finding a person that we click with on a romantic level can seem virtually impossible.
Cue the ‘dating app’. It’s an easy way to scroll through the gender you want to connect with and start a conversation with someone who is potentially looking for the same thing you are. That’s the idea anyway. But when we feel like we’re putting ourselves out there to be evaluated and judged about whether we are worthy of another person’s time and energy, it can be daunting, sometimes humiliating, and terrifying. So we put our persona on the app instead of ourselves. Yes, I’ve been guilty of this as well. After a lot of reflection I realized I’m doing myself an injustice by not being transparent about who I am, what I look like and what I want from that dating app.
Over time, I’ve noticed that I am not the only one who feels this way about dating. Men approach me on these apps (or I try to approach them) and our interactions are frequently awkward, impersonal, sometimes even defensive. On more than one occasion I have been utterly confused by the interactions. So here is a list of things I wish I could have told these men that would have made all the difference in the world if they wanted my attention.
Disclaimer: These are my blunt opinions. Each person wants something different and what appeals to me in a profile or conversation does not mean it appeals to everyone. If you don’t agree with something on my list, that’s perfectly ok. Everyone has the right to approach dating the way they think is best for them. And if I’m being honest, most of these probably apply to both women AND men so please don’t think I’m targeting anyone with this list. It’s just that I date men, so this is what I see from my perspective.
So here are the things I wish I could tell the people who pop up on my dating app:
- Bitterness doesn’t look good on anyone. If you have comments about how crappy dating is, ineffective the app is, or how people suck, I’m just going to keep scrolling. I don’t particularly want to be on the receiving end of anyone’s bitterness and I’m not there to try to ‘fix’ a bad experience.
- Be patient. I am not online all day so if I don’t respond, give me a few days. I may be busy, working, sick or just not feeling like connecting today. Everyone is entitled to their personal space, including you.
- If I don’t respond at all, don’t take it personally. If I see something on your page that doesn’t jive with me, it’s not a reflection of you. It’s just that I see a compatibility issue. If I don’t want children & you do or I want a relationship & you want something casual, then that connection just won’t work no matter how awesome you are.
- Less is NOT more. If there’s no info about you, I will be hesitant to reach out or respond. It makes it extremely difficult to start a conversation. I have no idea what you like or what I can relate to you on so I don’t know what to say to you. It’s also important to take the time to read what I wrote in my bio. There’s a reason it’s there. More than once I’ve had someone get upset about something I mentioned on a first date and I had remind them that I was transparent and it was in my bio.
- If you lie about yourself, further communication will not happen. Everyone wants to come across as the perfect person, but lying is just unacceptable. If people lie when they have very little to lose, what lies will they tell down the road when connections are made and the rejection might actually matter? Lying about being married is a big one here and is something I come across frequently. If someone only messages me after 11pm and only send me selfies from their couch, I will assume it’s because their wife is asleep in bed. On every occasion that I have called someone out on this, I have been right. No matter how amazing the man is, he’s either lying to me or his wife or both and I don’t want that person in my life.
- If you ask to meet me after “hello”, the answer is no. This is a safety precaution. I know it’s unnecessary for 90% of people, but I’m not willing to take that risk. If someone values and respect me, they will respect my need for safety. That’s not to say I plan on being a pen pal, but maybe ask after a couple days of conversation. This also shows you aren’t just looking for a hookup tonight. Side note: if someone tells me they are ‘not that kind of guy’, it’s unlikely I’ll believe them. No one should need to say that, they should just behave like it.
- If anyone gets aggressive when I say “no” to anything, I’m gone. Everyone has the right to say no to anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or goes against their wishes. This is just a basic principle of respect and applies to everyone.
- Please don’t tell me about your sexual prowess in any way shape or form. It just gives me the sense that you’re only looking for sex. If that IS the only thing you’re looking for, that’s ok, but it means I’m not the right person.
- Please don’t say “positive vibes only” or something of the like. I truly believe that most people try to be happy. But sometimes life just isn’t a happy place and everyone deserves to feel those emotions without fear of judgement or punishment.
- Please, please PLEASE choose your profile pictures carefully. These are not only a reflection of who you are and what you look like, but they are also a message you’re sending to potential dates. For me, for example, I abhor pictures of men at the gun range with an automatic weapon. On the one hand, I understand they’re showing me one of their hobbies and something they are passionate about. On the other hand, the message I’m getting from that picture is that they are armed & dangerous. I don’t post pictures from girls night out that show me drunk with mascara running down my cheeks from crying that make me look like a thriller clown… so if you don’t want to see how scary I can be, I don’t want to see how scary you can be. On this same note, pictures with someone flipping off the camera, memes or ‘negatives’ /filters don’t put out messages that I find attractive either. Giving the camera guy the bird shows disrespect or flippancy. Memes may show how someone feels, but not who they are. And negatives or filters just show me that they aren’t comfortable or confident with what they look like.
