h2>Dating : 3 “Masculine” Traits (that everybody can learn from)
In response to my previous post about the 5 Rules to Casual Sexual Relationships, a business coach of mine asked me the following:
- What does it mean to be a man?
- What do you have to do as a single man to make sure that you play your masculine role properly?
First of all, thanks Marco for the questions.
Masculinity is a concept I’ve always struggled with understanding. My parents split up when I was five and whilst my Dad did a lot to remain in my life, I’ve never felt like he helped me discover what this “masculinity” thing was.
Comic books did.
I would read tales of impossibly powerful men overcoming greater and greater challenges and situations (albeit mostly with violence).
Music taught me a lot as well.
The self-righteous entitlement of heartbreak was passed on to me through my love of emo music.
But I’m not a teenager any more.
Before we answer Marco’s questions, let’s talk about something more important.
Masculinity is an aesthetic
“Masculinity” is something that we all have an opinion on but is meaningless. It doesn’t exist. From a physical stand-point, there are few differences that separate men and women, but even those differences are called into question when we start looking at the trans world.
From a personality trait perspective “masculinity” is equally as meaningless. Any trait that you consider “masculine” could easily apply to women as well.
So what are we left with?
A look.
Fashion.
The clothes we wear and how we style ourselves.
However, this doesn’t get us any closer to answering Marco’s question. Now, knowing Marco I’m assuming that he’s not looking for a rundown of things that men “should” do and things that they “shouldn’t” do. That would be boring.
Instead, I think he’s asking; “What positive traits do you have that make up your identity and that you think are attractive to potential partners?”
Quite the mouthful.
So without further ado, here are the “masculine” traits that everybody can benefit from.
1. Own. Your. Shit.
There is nothing more unattractive than someone that doesn’t live with a sense of passion. Part of what makes any relationship amazing is when someone is willing to share something with you that they truly love.
Instead of being embarrassed about our love of bird-watching, YouTube Drama, and economics, we need to unashamedly share our passions.
On the other side, we also need to know what it is about us that isn’t amazing. For example, on the not-that-bad side of things, I can get amazingly grumpy when I’m hungry. On the far end of the scale, I can be incredibly insecure at times and need a lot of reassurance that everything’s going to be okay.
No one has a better catalogue of your own insecurities than you do. Once we start accepting them as part of who we are and begin to temper them within ourselves, we start growing as people.
Accept who you are both good and bad.
2. Do your best or don’t do it at all
Life essentially comes down to a series of decisions that we need to make.
You’ve only got so much time on this planet so most of us worry about our decisions because we’re afraid of missing out on something.
We need to accept that we will ALWAYS miss out on stuff.
Once we’ve accepted that, we need to optimise the time we do use.
The best way to do this is to say “FUCK YEAH!” to the things that we say yes to and “Hell No!” to the things we don’t want to do.
This means that if you’re friends ask you to dinner, you’re 100 percent present at that dinner. You’re not checking your phone or letting your mind wander, you’re 100 percent committed to spending time with your friends.
Or if you’re invited to do something out of your comfort zone. Get stuck in!
The people watching on the sidelines and judging others will always have a worse time than people that jump in, make mistakes, learn, and have fun.
Commit yourself to something or cut it out of your life.
3. Enjoy the Rollercoaster
Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes we’re riding high and other times we’re in a pit of despair and loneliness and it can feel like we’re just slogging through.
There is enjoyment and truth to be found in both.
The highs wouldn’t be the highs without the lows. Accept that fact when things don’t feel like they’re going your way. Whenever things aren’t going the way I want them to, here’s what I do to better handle the situation:
– Take stock of what I DO have that I’m grateful for
– Try and figure out the lesson that life is teaching me
– Remember that I’ve felt like this before and that our situations are always in a state of change
“Good” and “Bad” don’t exist, we choose how to deal with situations.
Those are the three principles that are currently at the core of my being, hopefully they’ll serve you well too.
Now for the second question Marco asked me:
The second part of Marco’s question was…difficult to get my mind round;
“What do you have to do as a single man to make sure that you play your masculine role properly?”
To me, there’s little difference between who I am in a long-term committed relationship and who I am all the time.
Like his first question, what I think he’s asking me is, “How do you stay true to yourself even when your single?” Well, Marco do I have the answers for you!
1. Honesty above all else
This directly relates to the first point of the previous section. When you’re truly honest with yourself and the people you interact with it makes everything so much easier.
Not looking for a long-term relationship? Be honest about it. Either the other person is looking for the same thing or they aren’t. No matter the answer a decision has been made.
The majority of our internal conflict comes with us not being honest with ourselves and trying to be someone or something that we aren’t.
If you’re honest with yourself and don’t like the answers you find, you have the power to change.
2. Don’t compromise on what’s important to you
Once you make a decision to do something you can’t fuck around with all the excuses you tell yourself. If you’ve set a challenge for yourself it’s up to you to complete it.
Most people fear commitment. Whether it’s because they’re afraid of wasting time, or scared that they can’t do it, it’s irrelevant. The most important thing is that when we say we’re going to do something, we do our damned best to accomplish that goal.
If you’re single and don’t feel ready for another relationship, don’t then immediately (and figuratively) jump into bed with the next person that strikes your fancy. You’re doing both yourself and the other person an injustice.
Being single is the best time to focus purely on yourself. You don’t have to worry about taking your SO (significant other) on dates, providing emotional support, or spending any time on anything other than making the best possible version of yourself.
3. Understand that everything will be alright in the end
Looking back at my relationship history, I took:
– 11 months to find my first LTR (long-term relationship) after losing my virginity
– 18 months for me to find a partner after my first LTR
– 26 months to find someone after my second LTR
When we focus purely on finding a partner we do ourselves a disservice. Your “singleness” defines part of your identity but not who you are as a person.
Instead of desperately searching for someone to have in your life make your life so incredible that you don’t feel the need to have someone else.
As far as I’m concerned the ONLY healthy mindset to have when single is; “I’m single now but probably won’t be in the future, so let’s make the most of it whilst I’ve got it”.
This doesn’t mean you can’t date casually, but don’t make it the main focus of your life.
Thanks for reading and (to Marco) I hope this has answered your questions sufficiently.
