h2>Dating : 7 Things I Started Doing When I Stopped Dating Men and Started Dating Me.
It has been a year since my last relationship. This is probably the longest Ihave been single since I started dating. I’ve downloaded dating apps, talked to a lot of guys. Met decent ones but they just weren’t my type. The ones I was interested in only seem to want a FWB kind of deal. No thank you. Clearly, I was being “matched” with the wrong ones. Maybe the app knew I was vulnerable, struggling with my self esteem, struggling with my weight and insecurities. This is when I decided I needed to take a nice long break from dating men and start dating me.
“You know what is worthy? Taking yourself on a solo date, enjoying new flavors of coffee, doing stuff which makes your soul happy, praising God, being kind, talking less and creating only positive vibes. This actually makes sense because you are no more dependent on someone else, you can love yourself, you can be extraordinary with yourself.” -Yashpreet kaur
So what exactly is dating yourself? It is doing the things you enjoy. It is simply taking the time to love and appreciate yourself. It is building yourself up to the point where you would never settle again. How long would one date herself? For as long as it takes until she knows exactly what she wants, deserves and knows her self worth.
“Love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”- Lucille Ball
I started doing 7 things when I began to date me. To be honest, I am having a blast!
- I gave up all social media ( check out my other blog- “No More Social Media, Now What?”). This means I gave up Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and Twitter. I gave this up because I needed to break away from comparing myself to others. I also needed to focus on my needs and wants without the influences of the outside world. Giving up social media allows me to live MY life instead of worrying about how others are living theirs. It allows me to stop comparing myself to others. Most importantly, giving up social media meant giving me more time. The average amount people spend on social media daily is 2–4 hours! Those are hours I can be doing something to will help me grow. Reducing my time on social media did not work. I still somehow ended up increasing time on it so giving it up was the way for me. Will I give it up forever? Probably not but I am for now.
2. I started taking myself out to dinner at least monthly. I started going out to dinner at different places. So far, my favorite has been this little bistro in my town. Elegant, yet quaint. I request a table in a corner. Order a dirty diet coke ( diet coke with sugar free coconut syrup and a lime), a shrimp dinner or burger with no bun and I bring a book. The quietness, the ambiance, the amazing food, the perfect lighting where it is dim but bright enough to read absolutely makes it such a relaxing evening. I enjoy restaurants with a bar as well. I’ll sit up at the bar, order again a burger with no bun. I have a thing for burgers. And maybe engage in a conversation with the person next to me on the other side of the plexiglass shield. Just because you’re dating yourself, shouldn’t mean you can’t brush up on social skills. My favorite part of going out to eat is the confidence that I am building within myself by showing up alone, eating alone and enjoying my time alone. Besides, a girl gotta eat.
3. I started Drum Fit- Working out has never really been a favorite of mine. I would go hard for a few days then burn myself out. That was until Ifound Drum Fit ( YouTube has videos, my favorite is Knight Drum FIT. ). I started Drum Fit in the spring of 2020, when a lady I knew started offering drum fit classes on Facebook. I watched the 1st time and tried it out with kitchen utensils and bucket. Immediately I was hooked. I went and got myself the equipment and became a drummer. Drum Fit consist of an exercise ball, tote and drum sticks. Beat and move along with the music and burn 300–800 calories. A workout that I can enjoy is exactly what keeps me moving! I feel great after every workout, I feel accomplished and I feel healthier!
4. I Gave Up Sugar and Flour . What does that have to do with anything? Well in my case, A LOT. When I consume sugar and flour, particularly sugar, my body reacts in way that it feels that out is not getting enough of it. I can tell myself that I will have 2 pieces of Hershey Kisses and that is it. Next thing I know, I just ate the entire bag or the entire pot of pasta. I feel like crap for the rest of the day, it changes my mood and I become mad at myself for not being able to control this. It is addiction for me. It is not something can I control no matter how many times I have tried and I’m tired of tricking myself to believe that I can. So clearly sugar and flour are not my friends. I now eat three times a day. My meals consist of fruits, vegetables, protein and healthy grains such as rice, potatoes and even shredded wheat. I can enjoy a burger with no bun and even fries (real fries). I weigh and measure my food because I don’t understand portion. My brain seems less foggy, my waistline is becoming slimmer, my energy has increased and the sugar headaches have gone away. Will I ever eat sugar or flour again? I don’t know, but for TODAY, I will stay abstinent. (#7 will explain).
5. I Challenge Myself and Have Hobbies. What is living without challenging yourself? Safe challenges, mind you. Many times we end up feeling comfortable right where we are. Some times we become nervous or afraid of stepping out of our comfort zone. Then we remain stuck in place. Maybe twe are okay that and it can be a good thing, but it can also be boring which can be a bad thing. Being bored can lead to self destruction such as overeating, drinking excessively, watching TV for long periods of time, spending hours on social media or even becoming depressed. I know me being bored can place me in one or more of these categories. So it is important for me to set challenges for myself and to add hobbies. There are many ways I can challenge myself. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but it does have to get me out of my comfort zone and moving. I may challenge myself to do a drum fit video 5 times a week , face a fear, share my story on Medium, read a book and finish in less than 2 weeks, organize closets, clean out my Jeep and keep it clean for an entire month. One of my favorite is keeping the house clean. A clean house is a stress free house! Anything that will help me grow and feel good in a positive way. Hobbies are fun to have, healthy hobbies. It keeps us busy. The busier we are, the less time we have for self destruction. I found out I love doing puzzles, learning how to crochet, blogging, walking with friends, taking hot baths, doing research on various topics and coming up with sugar/flour free recipes. (I hope to blog about that later!) I feel that I am becoming a more exciting person, more knowledgeable, more adventurous, more satisfied and I am finding out that I do enjoy ME.
6. I Write Myself Love Letters. Yep, I do. Daily. Multiple times a day. Who wouldn’t want to receive love letters? A letter describing your qualities, a letter that shows appreciation for you and acknowledges your worth. Why not write one for yourself? At first, I’ll admit, it was weird because I was only half believing the words I was saying. Years of bombarding myself with negativity and put downs, changing the thinking process was a bit testing. A fellow writer, Elisa Scully wrote an article “21 Day Habit Timeline”. In this article, it talks about how we can change our habits in 21 days. A lot of different researchers, agree. It can take 21 days to change a negative thinking to a positive one. After 21 days, we would naturally be able to replace the negative thinking with positive .So why not, start with how we think of ourselves? That is where my love letters come in. Daily reminders that I CAN, I AM, I DID, I WILL… These letters help me to know that I can do anything I set my mind to (If it is truly meant to be, I’ll get to that in #7). I am anything and anybody who I want to be, I did achieve and I will achieve more. It is a reminder that I am ENOUGH. Once I began feeding myself with inspiration and positivity, it made me realize that I have settled many times before in past relationships, jobs and even friendships, but now that I am becoming stronger and loving me more, I know that I DO NOT EVER NEED TO SETTLE.
7. I Build a Relationship with God. — Of all the things I do, this is the most important one. For a long time, I have tried to control my life and determine how it was going to be. Things did not always go my way. Actually a lot of it didn’t. It wasn’t because of failure, it was because of me, it wasn’t because of someone else. It was because, it was NOT a part of God’s plan. I have gotten frustrated many times about things not going my way. Getting upset because I would try so hard and something just wouldn’t work. In most cases, it was mostly relationships. I would give my all, only to be cheated on or betrayed in some way. And yet, I would still try to make it work. Another one would maybe be a job I kept trying to go after or that piece of cake I’ve wanted and lost control and ate the entire thing in one sitting(Now I say the Serenity Prayer.) Clearly I was going against what God has in store for me. And now, I am tired. I am tired of trying to take control and do things my way. Tired of trying take control of situations and other people. This is where in my “love letter”, I remind myself, codependency is not a virtue. I am learning to sit back and relax a little bit. And my goodness, it is really starting to feel good to not have to worry about controlling things. I am learning to refrain from jumping in to “help” someone, when they can clearly do it for them selves. Besides, I’m not really helping, I’m jumping in to take over. I am learning that not everything needs to be a battle. It is ok to agree to disagree. I was in a meeting recently and the conversation became heated due to a disagreement. I stood up and said, “Excuse me, I will be stepping out of this meeting.” I got up and walked to my office. Closed my eyes, took some deep breaths and said a little prayer. “Lord, please keep me from going back in there and giving them a mouthful, please don’t let me hate them, please help me to find some positivity in this situation.” Moments later, I felt relived, calm and I had already forgiven . The difference between that meeting and any heated situations before was that, I stopped and I gave it to God. Before, I would turn off my filter and say whatever would come out of my mouth. My blood pressure would rise, my body would shake and I would just be fuming. Once we say things, it can never be taken back. Here’s the kicker. I was the one who up and walked out of a meeting and yet, they apologized to ME! They noticed that I really took the high road. I left to regroup, to collect and then calmly state my argument. It was actually admired. I was able to do this because I LEANED on God and not myself. I am still growing, still building and I am learning to TRUST fully which is hard for a codependent. But I am doing it.
These 7 things have been life changing. And it hasn’t even been that long since I started doing these. It has been exciting, a learning curve, challenging, mind opening and I do feel that I am growing. I do pray that one day, I will meet someone who will see me as I am learning to see myself. But for now I am happy to be single. Honestly.
