Dating : A Walk To The Bar

You were done with work for the night. You decided to take a stroll to a bar not faraway. There was no need to rush so you just took small steps. Exhausted as you were, you felt relief from knowing that tomorrow you had a day off. You were just roaming the streets. Considering it was 2 A.M you didn’t meet anyone. Except a stray cat whom you crossed paths with. You’re not superstitious in any way so you didn’t give it much thought. It was cold and you pulled the collar of the coat up to cover your neck. You kept walking along with your hands in the pockets to warm them up. You would walk on the pavement lit by yellowish lights that came down on you from above. At last you made it to the bar. You had some cash on you, perhaps there was a better use for it. But you just gave in to the vices of drinking and smoking. You didn’t care. Drowning yourself in booze and cigarette smoke. Standing outside the bar you took a cigarette out of the pack and put it between your lips. You took the lighter from the pocket and held the flame over the edge of the cigarette, puffing away. The neon light outside the bar kept blinking – OPEN 24/7. You entered and sat yourself at an empty table. There was some jazz music playing and the atmosphere seemed nice. A few drunkards here and there. Muffled words that you didn’t register for you didn’t really care.

The barkeep approached you. ‘One whiskey and a beer. Keep them coming.’ you said. He left with no comment. Man did you feel stuck. You did not know what was there to do. You tried to make sense of this life and for Christ’s sake it didn’t make sense. You felt trapped in a rat race. And that is what you hated the most. The suffocating feeling of being. Every single day at this point became something you had to do and not what you rather wanted to. Is life ever about what we individually want? You wondered. At that instance, in that place, it seemed like you weren’t the only one — trapped. Looking at all those men, wasted, drowning their sorrows, looking for an escape from reality. You weren’t any different from them. You had a mortgage to pay, a job you weren’t particularly fond of, but paid the bills. And so at first you lie to yourself you’ll make it somehow. You will not succumb to the monotony of the routine. But then you settle into this job and months go by. You are familiar with the job, it pays, and you operate on autopilot. Your youth just goes by. And there is just deep apathy. There is no adventure left in you. You don’t even bother about any of that stuff. All you do is do the least necessary to get by. To not end up completely homeless. To maintain your sanity you go to work. Otherwise you’d isolate yourself even more. The barkeep brings the drinks and you gulp the whiskey first in a heartbeat. You can feel how the spirit smoothly runs down your insides and gives you this warmth. Damn it feels nice. You light up another cigarette and just stretch in your seat. You take a piece of paper and a pencil out and scribble words at random. It’s not even writing. Hell, you did want to be a writer. And on occasion you did write, but you would never call yourself one. You were just 24 and yet you felt like there was nothing else that could possibly happen that would make life more appealing. And this was the worst part. Goddamit you couldn’t see a silver-lining to all this shit. Where would this lifestyle get you in the end? How far would you be able to just exist like this? There must be more to life. But what? You couldn’t wrap your head around it. You felt lonely and you were alone and you couldn’t bring yourself to invite people in your life. You didn’t want to change for others, work on yourself. You were content with just getting by. Which to some might seem stupid, but that’s just what made you — you.

People tried to recreate books and movies into life. Whereas they didn’t understand the former was a fabrication of the mind. And the latter did not fit the norm. The latter was a stinking dump. Life — a dump all of us were thrown into to rot. At what costs? The gods did not care, they did not show any mercy. As if we deserved any. People shitting in their toilets after a day of work. It didn’t matter if you were a model, a bum, a millionaire we all shit the same. We all had to wipe our asses. We all stank and were doomed from the start. The world was filled with backstabbers and drama. Everywhere you’d look there it was. This is what we had come to. Pretense. Status. For some it was the sole purpose of existence, others shunned it as the work of the devil. As for you it was a part of life. People gave it value, it ruled the world. People followed with obedience. There can’t be many winners, just a select few make it. Celebrities that are praised and looked up to. They’ve got an image to maintain. Their facade is the glamorous lifestyle, the paparazzi, the cult like following. They replaced the gods, and ordinary people looked up to them. Buying into their story written by a team of other ordinary people doing their jobs they were in turn hired to do. Perhaps people love stories way too much. A good story. A beautiful face. A nice voice. A sleek haircut. A firm ass. The industry has got the standards way too high. Average won’t do. We want extraordinary. We slobber after fantasy.

As you thought of all that an old man approached you. ‘Can I bum a cigarette my friend?’ he said. He had a huge grin on. You noticed the two front teeth missing. His clothes torn and shit stained. For a second you thought that is what you will end up like in a few decades if you were to really allow yourself to get that low. You had three cigarettes left in the pack and so you handed him the pack. ‘Keep it’ you said. He took the pack and bowed his head. ‘You are very kind, my friend’ he said and staggered to the opposite corner of the room.

You finished what was left of the beer you ordered and stood up. Took what money you had left and placed them under the bottle. Put on the coat and headed to the toilets. It stank, needless to say it was a mess but you got yourself to the urinal. Someone was in the stall behind you making some weird noises. Farting and cursing the gods for his misfortune. ‘Ah fucking hot-sauce, my asshole is leaking goddamit HAHAHAHAH’ he kept screaming. You wanted to pee, but couldn’t get it started. You needed some silence, some peace. You pictured a river but that didn’t work. You imagined filling a glass of water, water pouring and filling it, overflowing. Yeah that helped, that did the job. Once you were finished you headed out.

On the way you gave a small nod to the barkeep and left. The music kept playing and drinks kept coming. Everything seemed to come. nothing seemed to stop for once. Outside you took a deep breath and looked up. You checked the apartments above. All the lives stacked one upon another. A house of cards. Some had the lights on, you noticed at the balcony a young woman looking at you. As she realized you were looking back she went inside and the light went out. You thought about all those people in there. Sleeping. Fucking. Dreaming. Writing. Watching. Reading. Raping. Crying. All happening in that moment.

And what were you doing? You started walking to your place. The lights from above you guiding your way on the sidewalk. You kept following the lights, one step after another. After some time of walking in silence, you heard your phone buzzing. You got a message from your brother whom you hadn’t spoken to in over a year. The message read ‘Thinking about you. Love you, little brother.’ You didn’t know what to make of it. It didn’t make you feel anything in particular, but those words glowing on the screen had a meaning behind them. They just didn’t register and you couldn’t understand why. Were you that far gone that you couldn’t feel anything. Why couldn’t you? What was wrong with you?

You decided to take a shortcut and made your way through some buildings. The wind started blowing harder, it got colder. Now the only source of light was the moon hanging in the sky. You could hear some crows and the trees rustling in the distance. You started shivering and decided to speed up the pace now. You did not know if you were heading in the right direction, it didn’t matter. You started breathing heavier and could feel droplets of sweat forming on your forehead. You needed a break and just stood for a second. You noticed a vaguely shaped silhouette making its way towards you. There were footsteps making their way towards you. You couldn’t make the faces but you anticipated what was coming. As they got closer the footsteps got louder and there were two now. Then another one became noticeable behind the two. The three silhouettes got closer and you just stood still. Waiting. You couldn’t distinguish anything. ‘What are you doing here buddy?’ a voice started. ‘Waiting’ you said. ‘Haha he’s waiting, did you hear that?’ another voice said. ‘Shut up moron’ the first voice said with rage. ‘I think he’s waited enough’ the third one spoke from behind me. ‘I think so too’ the first one replied. You felt a sharp strike to the left of the stomach. Then another hit to the right of your head. You dropped to your knees and the hits kept pouring down on you as if rain had started falling. Each hit like a bullet directed at you. Those hits filled with rage and hatred, you were taking it all in. Sharp strikes one after another. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. You could feel your insides breaking, bones cracking, the metallic taste of blood running down your throat. You smiled as you were laying there. They could not see you smiling, but you were. You gasped for air and everything seemed to spin. The world was spinning and you were spinning with it. You heard a voice say ‘Check his pockets’. They took everything you possessed. Another voice said ‘Enough… let’s go, run.’ Their rushed footsteps grew weaker and weaker as they sprinted away. You laid there in total darkness. Abandoned. Alone. Gasping for breaths of air you noticed the sky. You haven’t looked at it in a long time. You have looked at it, but you haven’t seen it really. Not the way you did in that moment. Now you had the time to see it. Laying there you noticed the universe. All those lights. All those hopes. All those dreams. You felt so small. A grain of sand, a speck of dust. You felt tired, you wanted to sleep. You needed to rest. You thought this was it, your life did not flash before your eyes. There was no time for regrets, for things left unfinished, for plans, for tomorrows, for love, for beer, for New Year’s, for movies. No time for writing a story you perhaps had left in you but the world will never know of. This moment was all you had left.

You took one last breath and one last look at eternity.

You closed your eyes. It got dark.