Dating : At A Time Like This

Last Thursday night, I had a panic attack before I went to sleep. All the things were coming at me. What was I going to do? How long would my money last? Would I be able to get food when I needed it? I have a small business that is barely hanging on, no savings, and plenty of school debt.

The next day, I drove up the California coast and went for a hike through the redwoods, on my way home from a work trip. It was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I was fully present, remarkably peaceful. The day after that, I rested and danced and laughed and lay low with the dogs I was sitting for the weekend.

By last night, I was back to a milder panic. Again, I was doing the numbers in my head before sleep. I wondered if there was some sort of unemployment loophole for small business owners, or if I would need to get on food stamps, or file bankruptcy.

This morning, I felt better. I got up and fed the dogs, then I went and walked a dog for my last remaining dog-walking client. Afterward, I went and gave a free yoga lesson to a friend. I played some modern Native American flute music during Savasana, and then I read her a poem.

“When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.”

~Wendell Berry

After a few moments had passed, I saw her wipe away her tears. A few moments later, I invited her to sit back up. We breathed deeply, and sighed our exhales loudly. Afterward, we talked about how we need to let ourselves feel all the feelings.

When I left, I drove across town to my place. I parked my car and sent a text message to another friend:

“Last night before I went to sleep, I was scared. In this moment, I am a lioness who knows she’s been trained for this. And this is how it is.”