Dating : Do Nice People Really Finish Last?

There has been a widespread internet backlash against the “Nice Guy” phenomenon in recent years, and the term is usually equated with men who believe women owe them sex/love if they treat them with “respect,” which usually means glaringly misogynistic entitlement. I don’t disagree with that. This way of thinking is common and alarming and should be criticized. But I think the whole issue of nice people being at a disadvantage is much more nuanced than this one subset from the underbelly of cyberspace would have us believe.

There are a few different situations that I can this saying arising from, and they aren’t related to gender. Everything I’m saying here applies to both men and women. And second of all, I mean people who actually are nice, or at least, not the really dreadful ones who are usually the topic of this discussion.

The first issue here, and one big obstacle to success, whether romantically or otherwise, is believing that all you have to be is nice. And some people define this merely as a lack of certain negative qualities, not as the presence of remarkably positive qualities like generosity, consideration, loyalty, or passion. When they think of what they have to offer a partner, they have a list that goes something like:

I want a serious relationship, not to play around.

I won’t cheat.

I won’t hit her.

And you know, that matters. That matters a lot. But that’s not a list of exceptional qualities. David Wong covers this idea very well in his article 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person. Actually, when people talk about “nice guys” the way they did before the term came to mean “entitled incel,” what they really mean is softer, sensitive, less traditionally masculine men. They argue that women aren’t attracted to men who are in touch with their emotions even though they claim they want it. He’s nice because he cries at movies and is willing to stalk his one true love forever.

Sensitivity can be good and it can also be bad. It can mean a person who is too wrapped up in their own emotions to notice yours, or a really sweet and emotionally intelligent partner. It can be someone who is hyperaware of your feelings, or someone who overreacts to any perceived slight. And what neither men nor women like in a partner that for some reason is associated with niceness is being overly attached, needy, and stalkerish.

People don’t like that, and they shouldn’t like it. The love you have to offer isn’t more valuable because you lack proper boundaries and use another person to fill the void inside you. Obsession isn’t flattering to a well-adjusted individual because it is not about them but about you and your desperation to avoid loneliness. People want to be loved for who they are, not because they keep you from being alone.

What these kinds of men really mean is, “I don’t have stereotypical asshole man problems. I have stereotypical crazy woman problems .” Then they are shocked that women don’t like that. But why would they? Would a man want a woman who acted like a jock/player/predator?

Just because you don’t have one set of issues does not mean you don’t have another. There is a great variety to the human experience. Babies are born everyday that will present new and exciting versions of fucked-upness in their adulthood. The type of black and white thinking that believes not being a player who objectifies women means you don’t have other issues is a symptom of emotional immaturity.

Women do it too. The “not like other girls” trend is similar in that people outside of a stereotype believe that being so automatically makes them superior. But guys only like superficial bitches, they complain. But it’s not like one of you is perfect and the other is completely imperfect. It’s each person judged individually based on what they’ve made of the assets they were born with. As long as you’re seeing people in broad, offensive categories instead of as people, you are part of the problem. Instead of being self-aware and putting in the work on yourself, you’re looking for reasons why you’re already better than other people and therefore shouldn’t have to improve. No matter what you’re like, I can guarantee this isn’t true.

All of these behaviors aren’t really nice, and in the very least, they aren’t mature. But what about genuinely good people, not just the ones who assume they are and refuse to dig deeper? I do think this is where there is a little truth in this old saying.

A nice person will try to avoid hurting others and may at times value someone else’s feelings over their own. But truthfully, some of them define themselves by their niceness and compulsively put themselves in positions where they feel like they are giving more and not getting much in return because it reaffirms their identity. Takers look for givers. Assholes look for someone they can manipulate and take advantage of. Instead of nice people finding each other, they find someone who complements them in the worst possible way. It happens all the time.

You can blame this on nice guys/people finishing last if you want. It absolves you of the responsibility to fix your unhealthy patterns. But the truth is, we tend to find ourselves in whatever kind of situation we are most comfortable in. If you try your best to be a good person, there are people out there who will make you suffer because of it. But you can’t bury your head in the sand because it makes you feel better about yourself. The sad thing is, you cannot be nice at expense of everything else, and I think this is the heart of the whole problem. Being nice does not save you from the effects of being stupid, lazy, or unmotivated. Being good does not mean you don’t have to work hard on yourself or your goals. It is the same with any other quality. Being brilliant does not mean you don’t have to be kind. Being beautiful does not mean you don’t have to be giving. Any human being who defines themselves as one thing is not a healthy human being, and the universe doesn’t operate on some kind of merit system where one good quality will give you the effects of a completely different one.

Some people ignore red flags and put up with terrible treatment because they think it’s virtuous to value love above all else. Maybe it is. I don’t know. But I do know that the end result is not based on how noble your behavior is but on whether it logically supports a positive outcome for you. The asshole isn’t rewarded for being an asshole, it’s because s/he insisted on prioritizing what you perceive as their reward. Sometimes nice guys finish last because they think it gives them the moral high ground, and then for some reason think that moral high ground should make them finish first.

“Nice” is probably one of the blandest terms for a human being. It’s basically “unobjectionable,” but rightly no one considers that the defining quality of their personality. Maybe it’s time to strive for being integrated, healthy, high-functioning, and mature. Too often when people say they are being nice, what they are really doing is becoming less. Making less of an imprint, taking up less space, disappearing to make others comfortable. To defend their position, they say the alternative is pushing other people into the shadows. But it’s not. Someone who really shines brightly will always cast light onto everyone around them. But for that to happen, you have to be willing to see clearly first.