Dating : Don’t Let Relationship Setbacks Make You Lose Sight of Who You Are and What You Want

#1 No matter how good the potential is, you have to date a person’s reality

I tend to get carried away by potential. It has taken me a lot of heartbreak to realize that inherently people are who they are; they might change with time BUT dating someone hoping that some things will change with time is a fatal mistake.

If you don’t like who they are currently that’s your cue to leave. You not being okay with something is a signal that a certain trait is important to you.

#2 Follow your heart but take your mind with you

It is very poetic to believe that ‘love conquers all’ but sadly this is not always so. At least not in the culture I come from. One has to be practical and aware of their deal-breakers.

I know love expects to jump in with both feet but I’ve realized with time that is a piece of impractical advice (at least for me it is)

#3 People will say a lot of things, watch what they do instead

People say a lot of things as talking is easy. However, not many would follow through. If a person is too lazy to follow through on words then they are just words. They hold no value.

#4 It’s a hundred times better to be on your own than being miserable with someone

Sometimes we keep holding on thinking that letting go will lead to heartache. I had the most miserable year because I wouldn’t let go. Only when things completely escalated did I realize that the situation is doing me no good.

I had a few miserable weeks but afterward, it was all uphill from there. The fresh air hit differently. Only when I was in my logical thinking mind again did I realize how much I was making myself miserable by not leaving.

Even to this day, I thank my stars that things didn’t work out as I had hoped. Yes, I was heartbroken for a while but it did wake me up to my self-esteem, it made me realize how important mental health is and I vowed to never settle in spaces that were not for me ever again.

#5 Even the worst of experiences teach you something

Yes, heartbreak hurts. Yes, it could take months (even years) to move on. However, once we do move on we realize that there was a teaching moment. We learn one new thing about ourselves. We learn about resilience.

Above all, getting hurt and still finding the courage to love again is an insane superpower.

#6 You don’t search for love, you let love find you instead

After years spent ‘searching for love’, I have realized that our task is not to search for love. We need to work on ourselves, be the best version of ourselves for ourselves, and circumstances will bring forth the person meant for us.

The person who will match our frequency.
The person who will be ready for us.

#7 Being on your own ain’t that bad

Being on your own is a pretty exciting experience. You learn so much about yourself. You have so much time to work on yourself, forge friendships, work on your career goals, learn new skills, and whatnot.

Once we get comfortable with who we are; being on your own doesn’t seem daunting. We have to learn to be happy alone so we can be happy in togetherness too.

#8 When someone ghosts you, it is not about you

Ah, the terrible phenomena of ghosting in the dating world. I used to take it so personally when people would ghost me. Even though ghosting speaks volumes of the person and who they are when they vanish without so much so as a text, I couldn’t help but take it personally.

It was only after some of those ‘ghosts’ returned I realized ghosting was never about me. People have their traumas and heartbreaks to deal with. Some jump in the dating pool without even being ready. Some are in it just for the fun of it.

Whatever the reasons; they did me a favor by not involving me in their drama by ghosting.

#9 Notice what the person brings out in you

This is so important. I would sometimes be so focused on how the other person feels, I would forget to notice how they made me feel.

It is so important to be heard and understood. Do they fan your anxiety or do they sit and listen to what you have to say.

We need to ask ourselves, ‘Do we like the person we become with them?’

#10 Never force anyone. Watch what they would do instead

If you apply pressure, people will do what you want. However, wouldn’t it be better to see what they’d rather do?

I am not saying one shouldn’t communicate what they want but forcing them to do something as simple as making a phone call is beneath you, and not the point of relationships.

Never waste time forcing what someone would rather do.
Not worth the time. Move On.

#11 Pay attention to the red flags

The flags you ignore in the beginning will most likely be the reasons why it won’t work out in the long term.

Things are usually rosy and green in the initial phase; people slip their actual personalities in between. However, sometimes we are so enamored that we sweep the red flags away; or put them on the side.

#12 Know what you want and what you deserve and never settle

Pay attention to your core values and what is important to you.

List your must-haves; I don’t mean the superficial aspects like looks, height, etc here. I mean the personality traits which are important for you in a relationship.

Look back at your history and determine what it was that you seek in the other person. Personally, for me, honesty, communication, and empathy are key must-haves. Also, make sure that are you also bringing the same to the relationship.