Dating : Don’t Worry Bumble Boy, It’s Not You

Sorry “Future Dude.” The one who will say any of the above statements to me, because it is highly likely that I won’t believe it when you do, at least not right off the bat. It’s not your fault. I’m sure you mean every word you are saying. It’s that other bro’s fault. And the other bro, and the other one, and that one over there too. That’s right, I have had a string of men say these exact words to me, only to be followed up by what amounts to an “Oops, I guess I really didn’t mean that” moment. Seeing them all together like this, I’m sure you can appreciate my inability to trust these words now. I would like to able to report that this is a curse I bare on my own, but sadly, single women from across my world report experiencing the same thing. I don’t hear this reporting from my single male friends, but that might be because they just don’t talk about this kind of stuff with anyone or maybe, indeed, women are more judicious with their words and actions.

In some cases these statements have been uttered after an extended period of time, but more often than not they are uttered very early on in the dating process. I get it, kind of. It can be so exciting to meet someone you have mojo with. It’s easy to get carried away in a flurry of fantasy or hope or the actual intensity of a beautiful moment. It’s like getting that extra burst of energy when you see the finish line at the end of a long race. There were several points where you didn’t think you were going to make it, and now the tape across your chest is within reach. You’ll be able to stop running and rest, in the arms of another no less. You will have achieved your goal. No wonder you start spewing utter nonsense.

Except these statements are the antithesis of utter nonsense. They are some of the most profound things you can say to someone else and some of the most wonderful things you can hear from another human being. They make a person feel special because they are meant to be used in special moments, with special people to often times indicate special intentions. Curiously, most of the men who spoke these special words to me were the first to freak out when I backed my response to these sentiments up with actual action in the form of real intimacy and more of it.

It is not a surprise in our brave new world of emotional dehydration and impotent digital life that this dynamic is expanding. On one hand you have a large pool of love/affection/connection starved humans who are overworked, isolated and numbing themselves from the severe emotional atrophy they are experiencing. At the slightest sign of love they gorge on the mirage of that longing being satiated.

On the other hand they have the emotional prophylactic of social media and texting that allows them to play the role of a lover with a quick and cowardly out should things get too ‘real,’ or use these channels to bypass things ever getting real. Simply cut off the channels and ignore the other person (if you’re lucky you might get an ‘Oops! I guess I didn’t mean it’ text).

Considering the first hand, you can imagine that the ‘real’ bar is already very low. Words have never been more disposable than they are in today’s digital world. This combination has only one trajectory; more nothingness. If you think this is exclusively a problem for single people, think again. Some married people I know could teach a master class on this dysfunction. I would even argue they propagate it more successfully because most of them don’t have the incentive to actually build a full-on relationship as singles do. They’re just playing around with the idea of having a fulfilling relationship or least an affair of some sort to compensate.

I have no revelatory solution here. I am just going to suggest good, old fashioned integrity born of keeping close contact with your own emotions, coupled with good, old fashioned face-to-face conversation where matters of the heart are concerned. If you have the first then you will know whether your feelings are genuine or just the first rush of a new thing (or an escape hatch from your old thing). If you do the second, the accountability of looking someone in the eye when you tell them something of consequence, positive or negative, will support your authenticity. Trust me on this one. You will also have the added bonus of experiencing life as it was meant to be lived; in the flesh.