Dating : Five Reasons You Shouldn’t Try Polyamory

It can improve your life but not if you do it for the wrong reasons

Polyamory is one of the most meaningful, spiritual, creative, perspective-changing transitions that I’ve gone through in my life. It has changed the way I view the world, the way I experience and value individual people and community, and the way I love.

It has also given me opportunities to explore my own complex sexuality in a way that would be impossible to do with just one partner.

That said, it isn’t for everyone and it isn’t always the right time or situation to make a transition away from monogamy.

Here are some reasons you shouldn’t try polyamory:

1. You or your partner is afraid of commitment

Many people are excited by the idea of polyamory at first. Sex with multiple people? My boyfriend/girlfriend/partner is okay with it? Hell yes!

Then they get a rude awakening — it’s not just about easy, casual sex. In polyamory, each relationship comes with its own set of rewards and it’s own set of difficulties. Think about some of the most challenging relationships you’ve ever been in. Now mix them together and imagine they are all happening simultaneously. Yup — sometimes that’s poly!

Polyamory is all about commitment. Through polyamory my commitment has been challenged and reconfirmed over and over again, ultimately making the relationships that last incredibly strong — not least of all my relationship to myself.

I have come to understand myself on a much deeper level, have learned to set healthier boundaries and have developed mature communication skills with my partner of eight years as well as with the people I’ve dated for much shorter periods.

I am in no way claiming to be perfect, but the ability to set boundaries and speak openly and directly while listening more fully are incredibly powerful skills; and after four years of honing them, my relationships are healthier and have minimal drama and maximum fulfillment.

But it takes a lot of work and willingness to commit fully to yourself, the journey, and the people you choose to engage in a relationship with.

2. You’re running into problems in your current relationship

Polyamory is not an easy fix for the problems you may be experiencing in your current relationship. If you and your partner are fighting often or have issues around fidelity, deciding to just “okay” non-monogamy isn’t going to mend the broken trust.

If you and your partner are aware that you have different sexual or emotional needs and want to try polyamory, it’s important to acknowledge this difference and talk it through before deciding to explore polyamory. If you don’t, you may harbor resentment or hurt feelings that will carry into future relationships.

The Ethical Slut cites a couple who realized they were no longer interested in having sex with each other but that they wanted to stay in each other’s lives. They decided to get married after coming to this realization — and opened up their relationship to polyamory. When I heard this story for the first time, it smashed some of my notions about commitment and love — relationships can be very strong, even with minimal or no sex.

3. Your partner is pushing you or you feel pressured

First of all, outside pressure is never a good reason for making most decisions, especially such a life-changing decision as polyamory. Ethical non-monogamy isn’t easy — it can test even the strongest relationships.

That said, the only thing that makes polyamory different from cheating is consent. Consent must be given freely and by someone who feels they are able to say yes or no. If you are being pressured or threatened (for example: “I will leave you if you don’t do this with me”) you are not being given freedom to consent.

A number of people who learn I’m poly have told me they were interested in trying it themselves — followed by some story about how their partner flirts in front of them with other people, or has expressed feeling trapped in the relationship. I try to share my own experience of how important communication and respect are in poly — meaning don’t do it if you aren’t feeling that respect!

4. You get off on hearing about your partner having sex with someone else

While this isn’t inherently bad, it’s not a reason to try polyamory. Polyamory means “many loves,” not “many fuck-buddies.” It’s about nurturing multiple individual relationships. Each relationship is valued and respected for its own sake, not for the sake of spicing up your sex life with another partner.

Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms though. If adding excitement to your current relationship by sleeping with other people is something you and your partner both want, there’s no reason you can’t have that. Swinging, for example, is a couple-centric practice and may be a great way to share the experience of having sex with people outside of your romantic partnership. You and your partner may also consent to engaging in sexual relationships with other people, even if they aren’t part of the experience. Don’t forget those partners need to know and consent to the relationship being purely sexual as well.

I was seeing a sexually non-monogamous (but not poly) guy for a while and it worked because he was open and honest with me about what he called “romantic monogamy” with his wife. Ultimately I decided to stop seeing him as I was no longer interested in that kind of casual sex relationship. Because of his honesty and openness, I was able to do it in a way that allowed us both to retain self-respect.

5. You or your partner has a sex addiction

A strong sex drive does not necessarily mean you have a sex addiction. In fact, there is debate about whether sex addiction is real — it is not currently in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition. However, if sex is negatively impacting your life, causing you anxiety, depression or feelings of shame, you may want to seek help from a kink-friendly, sex-positive therapist, someone with whom you can discuss your feelings around sex and sexuality without judgement.