h2>Dating : fix your dating game
In May while on a train from Nuremburg to Berlin, I was thinking about my dating adventures in 2019. I have alluded to writing about dating many times, and have been asked about it by friends — when will I finally write this piece? Well here I am and here it is, at least the beginning. Just a brush of the stroke on something that has become an oddly weird phenomena in recent years. What is it that I have to share about dating as 30-something woman who has lived in a number of cities in the last 12 years? Well, it turns out, a lot.
For the last few years and specifically last few months, I have come across thoughts, discussions, parodies, “advice articles” posted on social media, perspectives on dating and relationships NON STOP. We, as a 20s-30s-40s generation, are constantly talking about dating, watching shows about it, posting about it on Reddit or in private Facebook groups and/or creating memes about it. Conversations constantly flow around who’s dating, who’s engaged, who’s having a baby, who had the most epic wedding of the year and who plans to elope because “who needs to spend all that money”.
Dating, relationships and love (perhaps), have been part of my life for something like 20 years but here I’m thinking more about these topics specifically in today’s world. Yes, the blah blah blah world of iMessage, dating apps, read receipts, social media, etc. in which everything is overanalyzed, written extensively about, Instagram accounts devoted to it. Rightfully so? Well, consensus seems to be that dating today sucks, so I guess yes. But it’s more than that, there’s so much fucked up shit going on around how we treat each other, how we communicate and how we don’t know how to relate to one another. I won’t even start with the importance of the #metoo movement because that’s heading down another path.
I have always found it interesting how things have evolved and changed around me and for me, especially with my limited ability to stay in one place for too long. Living in Kyiv, Ukraine for the last almost 3 years has been an insightful and unique experience on so many levels. I have discovered how dating is so different in cities across the world, and it also changes as you get older. Dating in Ukraine is different than it was in 2014; it is different in a small-ish radial city like Lviv vs. an urban agglomeration like Kyiv. There are so many variables, and it sometimes fun to think about as I do in terms of cities and environments. I look back at my times living in various cities — Los Angeles, the Bay Area, Beirut, Lviv, Kyiv, etc. and can’t help but attribute cities to situations, people, and of course, romance and the like.
A few months ago, I was sitting at café in Beirut with some friends of a new acquaintance discussing dating and Tinder/dating apps in Lebanon. We were all sharing our unique and weird stories when one of the guys told us about one of his Tinder experiences. A girl was in Beirut for a short time, they connected on an app and spent a weekend together that ended with a “good bye, hope to see you again” — a casual type of parting. However, the girl still had another day in Beirut, a day where the guy happened to be busy with friends and could not see her. She got upset, demanded to see him again, and basically told him off when he met her at the bar. This all was clearly very off to him, but he brushed it off and handled it in the best way he could. He later found out that this odd situation resulted in an article written about him and dating in Beirut in a German publication. We heard his perspective and to us, the girl’s behavior seemed, perhaps, “dramatic” since they established her limited presence in Beirut, but then again, who knows what really happened from her side (besides everyone that read this article she wrote).
Thinking about this, made me wonder, what if we all shared more of our experience dating in today’s world. And if we were public about it. If we had more platforms to talk about how dating and getting to know each other happens on a romantic level these days, maybe we would learn more. Sure, some of us have started — meme accounts are aplenty and accounts like @violetclaire are really doing a great job of showing how crazy things can be (at least from the female perspective). It’s not to say that women are all-amazing and do nothing wrong — far from it. I have enough guy friends to hear those stories too but I can’t help but say, men these days are kind of the worst. Maybe someone someday will prove me totally wrong, but until that time comes, I’m sticking to my guns. I miss the good old days, and I tend to agree, the concept of dating is crumbling.
When comparing to dating 10 or even 20 years ago, can we say the same things about dating? What were the similarities to concepts like ghosting, being flakey, gaslighting, a new one called “paperclipping,” etc.? Were they the same and we have just given new names to these concepts that perhaps have become so prevalent because of online dating? Besides my own experiences and those of my friends, I can only base my research on shows like Felicity, Gilmore Girls, The Hills, Real World, The OC, etc. What about if we go further back to like 1960s or 1920s? I don’t know what factual research is there about grievances people our age had about dating, but it would be sure as hell interesting to go back in time and find out. We can gather some information from reading literature, but it’s just not quite the same as facts and observation that we have access to at present time. However, I sure as hell know dating was much more thoughtful, nuanced, and took much more time before the invention of the mobile phone, and especially the smart phone. Fucking Nextels in the 2000s too. You feel me, Santa Monica, CA?!
I miss being asked out over the phone, I miss romantic emails or letters written, I miss having a boy show up and throw pebbles at my window because my phone is off, I miss going to favorite restaurants and talking for hours, I miss being able to spend an entire day with someone because it feels good and you just click. Today, so much of that has disappeared into “u up?” texts in the middle of the night (ok, ok, I’ll admit I’ve done that, but only often following suit of the other). It’s become quick drink dates, and no one is picking you up from home because you haven’t met them in real life yet so that’s scary. It’s getting to know each other via memes, photos and texts for weeks rather than sitting face to face and feeling that real connection.
With modern love and dating, especially surrounding dating apps, I CAN’T EVEN with how many people talk about ghosting — disappearing without a word. It happens so often, to almost everyone, and I think most have done it at least once. It’s one thing to stop talking to someone on an app after a few brief exchanges on an app, but the fine line is crossed when time and energy is invested. It seems our generation has too much at their fingertips, too much interaction, too much ability to engage and at the same time to disengage. I think it’s a cop out. Sure, I’ve went MIA on a few people over the course of my dating history, but more recently, as a grown adult, I have realized what a chicken shit move it is to not be verbal (via text or otherwise) to someone you have invested some time into.
Whether it’s just a date, or just a couple weeks of text messaging before meeting — there’s something both people put out into the world. This is especially so if you have been inside each other. In dating, people think or hope that maybe there’s some potential for something, maybe for romance, for a relationship, maybe a friendship, or just sex. Of course, when things run astray — perhaps a more interesting prospect comes along for one of the parties involved, life circumstances change, etc. etc. etc. we seem to THINK it’s easier to just not say anything. Is it fear? Is it arrogance? Is it thinking you’re better than them and they’re not worth it? Is it the feeling you don’t owe anyone anything? I think it is selfishness. We are a generation of selfish fucks when it comes to dating. We don’t know how to communicate, we don’t know how to be empathetic and then we wonder why we live in such a fucked up society with rampant gun violence, bullying, rape, and so on.
Our generation needs to learn that they first need to work on themselves, figure out THEIR issues before they start putting themselves out into the world so that someone can fix them. If you have issues, whatever they are — if you think will strongly affect how you will behave to toward a potential romantic partner, then you need to pause. You need to talk to someone about it, read some books, do some journaling, begin a meditation practice, go to a place of worship, or see a therapist if you can. You shouldn’t put yourself out into the dating world and fuck other people over unless you know how to be clear with your intentions. You need to know how to set boundaries and communicate, you need to know how to properly and timely respond to a text and not play games. Once you reach your mid 20s, you’re technically a grown ass adult and games are only fun when both parties are playing them. I have seen too many people hurt for unclear reasons. But you know and I know, there is always something below the surface. It’s often not you, it’s them. And if it is you, then you should be working on yourself too.
