Dating : From Heartbreak to Self-Love

The last words Eric, my boyfriend, said to me were, “whatever happens, I want you to be a part of my life.” It never crossed my mind that this would be the last time I’d see him as we sat across from each other at a Mexican restaurant. I held his hand while I replied, “I want you to be a part of my life too.” I thought it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me.

A week later, he hadn’t texted or called. His last words still lingered like a dark cloud over my head. I was confused because he said that he wanted to always be a part of my life but his actions were sure not showing it. I guess that I didn’t realize that he also prefaced it with ‘whatever happens’. I called and texted him but he never returned my calls.

One day at work, a co-worker and I were having lunch together and Eric’s name came up. My co-worker nonchalantly told me, “Oh yeah, he just started dating Deena. She’s a restaurant manager and wants to start her own business.” My world stopped and a wave of shock took over me. I didn’t want to let my co-worker see my disappointment so I just said, “Yeah, I heard about it.” Of course, I was lying. I didn’t know he was seeing anyone else.

I never heard from Eric again and I realized my co-worker had told me the truth because I saw a picture of him and Deena on Facebook enjoying their new-found love. My heart shattered into a million pieces and I was heartbroken. What hurt the most was not knowing why he left. In other relationships, men would either say, “I’m not ready to commit, ‘’ or “I don’t think this is going to work out.” Eric just ghosted me and it took me by surprise. I was baffled.

What kind of man decides to disappear from the face of the earth and out of your life right when you think you’ve found the one and you’re going to live happily ever after?

The more I thought about it, the more I noticed the subtle red flags that came up during the time we were together. For instance, he would never return my calls or he would only be available to go out on weekends and never during the week. He also never gave me an explanation of why he couldn’t go out on weekdays and I never asked. I was too busy gushing over him that I was too blind to see potential warning signs. Or maybe I did but I didn’t want to acknowledge it because I didn’t want to be disappointed.

The fact he left without giving me an explanation made me feel bitter. I was mad at him for leaving without telling me and I was mad at myself for believing he’d stay. There was a constant mind chatter I couldn’t escape. I repeatedly asked myself whose fault was it that we broke up. Was it my fault? Was it his fault? Why did this happen?

There were so many unanswered questions that I felt the need to grope for answers before I could move on. I felt rejected and abandoned and a deep sadness overtook my day-to-day. The only thing I felt like doing was to stay home, binge-watch the latest episode of whatever was on, and hide in my pain. When friends invited me out, I made every excuse not to go. I thought that by spending time alone, I would find answers to all the questions that lingered.

For the following days, weeks, and months, I struggled with guilt-ridden feelings and negative thoughts. My desperate thirst to find an answer to why he left caused me to come up with irrational conclusions like; there’s something wrong with me or I’m not good enough.

A victim mentality took over and I began to feel sorry for myself and responsible for the breakup. I felt like I was flawed and that no man would ever want to date me again. The self-critic in me was rigid and showered me with doubt and pity which only fed on my low-self esteem. The worst was when I began to criticize my body, my looks, my clothing, and everything about life. My new deep-rooted belief became I will never find true love. Joy was sucked out of my everyday existence and all the self-deprecating thoughts left me feeling hopeless.

One day I realized I was being too hard on myself. The negative thoughts I kept entertaining only filled me with shame. I saw myself as someone that had committed a terrible offense and had to be punished. My punishment was to feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life and to never find true love. While that may sound like an exaggeration, the victim within me saw it no other way.

I wondered if these strong negative thoughts have the power to make me feel hopeless and defeated in love, what effect would positive empowering thoughts have if I were to change my view on love? I decided to do an experiment and turn the negative thoughts that were sucking the life out of me, into empowering ones.

The first step I practiced was to question the negative thoughts that popped up in my mind. For example, when I thought, “it’s my fault he left”, I would ask myself, “why am I thinking this? Is this true?” Questioning the negative thoughts taught me that I could choose whether I wanted to give the thought more attention or not. Most importantly, it helped me to filter the thoughts that were not making me feel good.

I felt empowered the moment I realized I had the power to choose what thoughts I gave my attention to. Once I had challenged the negative thought, the next step was to replace it with an empowering one. For example, after I chose not to give my attention to the thought of “it’s my fault he left”, I instead replaced it with reassuring thoughts such as, “it’s not my fault he left. Even though I don’t know why he left I will be OK. My life will go on with or without him”.

At first, it felt like a foolish idea having to check myself every time a negative thought came up. However, I began to feel hopeful again after a few months of reframing the negative thoughts into ones that celebrated me rather than put me down. I was able to talk myself out of the negative emotional spiral and the victim mentality I was stuck in by intentionally shifting my focus to the thoughts that felt good.

After one dreadful year of heartbreak, I felt renewed energy. I began to go out with friends again and picked up on my favorite hobbies. I planned weekend getaways with my girlfriends, went out to parties, and started to date men. My new-found self was like a breath of fresh air filled with the optimism of a brand new day.

I decided to embrace who I am and what I have to offer instead of put myself down. I gave myself credit for my positive qualities. For instance, I acknowledged that I am a good listener, I am loving, and I am loyal among other wonderful qualities. The victim mentality had me blindfolded and restricted me from seeing the truth within. But the moment I stood up for myself, that invisible veil was lifted.

The positive words of affirmation made me feel worthy of love and soon enough my new belief was “I am good enough… I’m one good hell of a catch!” I felt confident and whole as if I had reconnected to a lost part of me. The renewed woman in me thought, “I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know I deserve to be happy.”

I no longer felt like I needed answers or as if I was missing something or someone. My life didn’t depend on waiting for a man to walk into my life to complete me because I was already complete. I already had everything I could need — self-love emanating from within. My new desire was to meet a man who felt whole with himself, as I felt whole with myself, and together join forces to create a pure blissful life experience.

The transformation was not immediate. It took me time to believe in myself again but with self-compassion and patience, I got there. After reaching an all-time low, somehow I managed to grasp for resilience from the depths of my despair by shifting my thinking patterns. I lost myself in the heartbreak, but I succeeded in reclaiming my power to focus on myself and my happiness. Above all, I realized that happiness does not depend on anyone but me.