h2>Dating : Fuck Boi’s, Get Yourself a Man!
“Too many rules!” That’s what he’ll say to you in the end.
Don’t engage.
Walk away. Don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t let him lull you in. You’ll be caught into his strings and fall right unto his charms.
Welp, too late now! You swiped right. You let him in.
Online dating used to be a lot more fun when it was once a place for less socially inept people who were genuinely using it to look for love. Now, dating apps like Tinder had turned the online dating cyberspace into a cesspool of jerks, wannabe’s, fuckbois, hoe bags, and the rare breeds of ladies and gentlemen.
Et voila, love –– errr should I say cheap sex is just a swipe away!
For the fuckbois and hoe bags: it’s their way of life.
Every new relationship starts as fun and exciting. The newness, the raw emotions all add up to the buildup. The intense high and lows of getting to know someone for the first time always leave a person on the edge. That’s why you get all the butterflies. You never know what’s going to happen next.
That’s for normal people though. But not for the game-players.
You see, for them, love is a game. Emotion is something to toy with and mental connection is a mind fuck. Surely, if you’re like me who’s never had much exposure in the dating realm, you’ll think… “Ahh, wow mystery!” No stupid, that’s you getting played!
Case in point, when the honeymoon stage wears off which happens to every normal relationship, you’ll find yourself oblivious to his carefully planned exit. He’ll give you tons of reasons why in his head and heart you both don’t make sense. He’ll come up with excuses of telltale stories of incompatibility, he is not yet ready or that the relationship is probably moving faster than he anticipated.
When this happens, run sis! You’re being gaslighted.
In defense of him, okay, give the boi some slack. It could just be really you know, a reality mismatch. It wasn’t simply working and going well as intended. So, you give him the free pass. Ease it out and let him breathe. Cause you love him. You don’t want him to feel unhappy, suffocated, or pressured –– even though duh, you’ve only been seriously dating for the past 3 months!
So, you allow him his exit. In his words, he will call this a “break”. On to proceed that it is actually the best idea ever in the world. This gives him enough time to work on whatever issues ‘he says’ he is having with himself, all the doubts and worries clouding him from being emotionally available and ready for a so-called relationship. He will convince you: “this was for the best and for the interest of the relationship”.
Consequently, you find the logic to be real. Yes, allow him to spread his wings. Let him be resolute and happy about his decisions to be with you. You comfort him and assure him you understood it all well — without resentment on your part. After all, you want him to feel loved, cared for, and valued. You even offered him something: “You sure, you want a break and not a breakup?” He would then prod on to say something along the lines of “no a break is fine because I still love you.”
Well, you fool! You thought it was because he loved you. No, he was only scared he’ll be alone and that he won’t have a booty to come home to when his plan of action fails him.
That’s why he went MIA for two weeks. No clear communication as if boi had suddenly fallen from the face of the planet.
You, on the other hand, spent days and nights alone –– worried and wondering. Is he okay? Is he healthy and happy? Is he able to get his answers?
You wonder: “What would it be like for me?” But also you ponder: “If you love someone set them free. If they come back they’re yours. If not, they never were.” You were once again stupidly, naive.
Of course, just like a ghost, he decides when he can conveniently appear and disappear from your life.
He will only bother to ask you about your well-being when its the ungodly hours of the day. Apparently, the witching hours are also the favored hours of unrested spirits. Since you both, we’re on a relationship break you ask yourself, “is this ghosting?”
But the disillusioned person that you are already witnessing red flags unfold right before her very eyes, choose to see the good. “Nah, he’s just busy. Taking time off to self-care and re-evaluate his life plans. I should give him enough time to settle in and be alright”.
Oh dear, here goes your plausible mistake again thinking he was at all even just an ounce concerned about you. But nope, he was just slipping away like a ghost – abruptly losing interest in you as a romantic partner, cutting off his communication channels so as to make room for his other boi pursuits.
Then, as he would narrate it. It was just an honest mistake. A lapse of error in his judgment. Like, yeah, how his dick accidentally found its way inside another girl’s cheap pussy?
This hit you like a storm. Out of nowhere. Knocking your consciousness into oblivion. WHAAAAAAT?????
But unlike the “fade out of his feelings” which was more gradual since he planned that “break”. His lies and words were as swift as his dick while he was cheating.
Like the expert con-man that he is, he will bait you with his sob story.
Sorry, it was never in my intention to hurt you. It was just sex. It meant nothing. Oh, hell yeah! Cause if it was nothing why would you even hide the truth — not just once, but three times? Boi, you sure know how to lie well.
From this point, a downhill spiral in no fucks has been given either you or him boi the relationship.
Respect & trust had been trampled upon like it was just a toy to be discarded.
Boi broke your faith in him. But yet, acts as if it’s your fault for not having the heart to forgive or forget… urgh, the audacity!
First, cheating alone is as demoralizing as it sounds. It quite possibly one of the worst things to experience in a relationship.
Being cheated on breaks your heart; it affects your self-esteem and self-perception, also doubt your self-worth.
But for boi, when you react in tears of pain and anger you’re just being overly dramatic. I mean, why, he’ll just laugh it off and possibly find joy inside his heart.
Perhaps, his wondering, how can someone he only been with for three months feel so deeply for him? But he will never understand the gravity of his actions and the depth of emotions one can experience.
When you’ve been betrayed by someone that you love, he does not understand how it does not matter whether you’ve been together for a few months, dating for a few years or married for more than a decade. The pain of betrayal is valid and it’s always something that someone needs to heal and overcome.
What do you expect? Emotions for him are an inconvenience. He is emotionally unavailable even to his own self. Do you think he has the emotional maturity to understand yours?
Months passed and you tell yourself this nightmare can be given its proper burial. You convince yourself, your love for him is greater than the pain of his cheating. You tell yourself, love forgives and love knows how not to keep a record of wrongs. That boi isn’t defined by his mistakes. But you were once again disillusioned.
Ah, you never learn! How much more pain can your heart tolerate? Of course, now that he has used the cheating card on you and that didn’t scare you away, maybe boi’s next move will…
Here come’s December 2019, he’d tell you he has no energy to lovingly make Christmas memories with you. It’s not his thing. It’s just a usual day.
You chime in and give him a slack (one again). Okay, no fancy celebrations. It does not matter, you convince yourself. The important thing is to be making memories together. You fool!
Seven months of dating and he tells you frequently how a relationship label isn’t really that important. Boi’s gameplay was always to just go with the flow.
No plans. No clear future. Just fun.
Yeah, if you were still kids. But the problem is that you both were in your 30’s and given that his 3 years older than you makes you think, “Hmmm… wh does he make a big deal about “not wanting to be tied down” with a relationship?”
But of course, boi won’t have the courage to confront you. Instead, he’ll tag you along like a kid playmate. You’re just a human toy anyway. As soon as he finds his next doll, he’ll strategically plan his exit –– gradually of course, so you won’t cut him his benefits.
Boi, will always be a master manipulator.
He’ll stay with you. But he won’t be there with you. Days will come and go and he will build so much contempt and resentment cause he can’t mouth the words: “I’m leaving (not until his plan B’s are set into motion).”
Sex will become meaningless. Love will become cold. His heart and mind were more distant than ever to you. His interest is nowhere to be found in the relationship but in exploring all his other options outside. He won’t tell you. That puts him at a disadvantage of you making up your mind and leaving.
Things will become duller. You’ll find yourself into constant arguments that never get resolved.
It’s like hitting a brick wall — only now you realize that’s his stone-cold heart.
You’ll soon uncover his tracks. His lies, his games, his plays. You realize how much of that he has done and you ask yourself, who was the person you spent 11 months with all along?
Was he even genuine with you? Did he really love you? Was he just in it to win it? Was it all just a game?
You’ll start questioning yourself again. You’ll start blaming yourself why you gave it months and months of reruns when on the first round of red flag you didn’t cut loose.
Why did you allow him to play you?
Why did you go through all the hassles for him? You, missing your best friend’s clinic opening day to get the marriage requirements for him. You thought it was for your marriage. Turned out it was only for his visa. The worst part was when he realized he couldn’t get a residency and that wasn’t a permanent stay, he backed off and canceled it for good. Glad you did too — when you didn’t felt right about it in your gut.
Why did you take him to meet your friends and family? Why did you allow him to see vulnerable and honest parts about yourself which you never shown to anyone? Why did you give yourself to him completely and gave him love and affection he didn’t reciprocate back?
Why?
You ask yourself these questions time and time again. Yet, you fall back into the same answer: you loved him. You thought, he loved you too.
Now, you forgot how to love yourself. Now he made you doubt your capacity to love, be loved; and wonder if there are still men out there who value loyalty and commitment as much as you do.
Months later, when he finally had his graceful exit. Boi finally abandoned you –– the one thing he has consistently done so far: leaving you behind.
Like a ghost, he’ll advance himself and refine his strategy back into your life — this time he’ll say: “Let’s just be friends.” How convenient.
He’ll say words like he is confused. He still is unsure of what he wants out of life. He will hauntingly remind you every day, how you’re just someone he used to know.
Convenience. Transactional. Those are the words that will always come to mind when you remember Boi.
You’ll remember how a once charming face that captured your heart, didn’t match the personality you soon uncovered. You’ll also wonder why he has plenty of hidden social media accounts: two of each to be exact. Perhaps to serve his double life too.
You’ll grow contempt and resentment towards him now. That’s what he has influenced you to become. You realize, playing nice doesn’t really take you anywhere into his life except as a willing pawn in his game of emotional chess.
Your heart will grow tired from breaking. Your love weakened. Your faith in him, dissipating. You will start to wonder where did the man you once saw in him went? Was he even there? Did you blindly think it was there in hopes of him manifesting that into potential?
You start feeling indifferent.
You go through all the previous pictures and memories together and realized how his eyes always look dead sad.
You feel a chill of loneliness. A tinge of sadness. Why didn’t you see it before? His eyes were black and sad. Lifeless. As if a boi’s soul is trapped inside a man’s body asking to be set free. But it isn’t in your place now to help his spirit. It isn’t your place now to help him on his journey.
He abandoned you. This time, you must learn to choose you first.
This time, you must love yourself better than he never ever did. This time, you must heal and rebuild. Remember who you were before he broke you. Remember who you were when you didn’t have the trauma of being cheated, lied to, and lead on.
Accept what was and learn to accept what is in the now.
Now, you have come to test your principles. Now, you have come to really realized how much work and effort you put into loving. How relationships still matter to you.
Be happy that despite all that pain, you still crave for something real in a world full of fake. That you still long for a warm soul to connect, rather than cheap, meaningless encounters that only lead up to a simple question of whether you’re gonna fuck or not.
Be thankful that despite all the several heartaches you’ve had you never took to manipulation to get people into a transaction. That love for you is still something pure and valuable to protect.
Let the boi, go. Let him grow.
Allow yourself to heal and mature into a woman you are supposed to become too. Learn to heal what’s broken, mend what’s aching and grow from every piece of experience. Someday, when you once again glow into the woman you’re supposed to be, get yourself a man who isn’t afraid to love you –– all of you.
