h2>Dating : How Goal-Setting Saved Our Relationship
In 2018 I proposed to my girlfriend of nearly four years. This was the most significant relationship either of us had been in. Not to mention a massive milestone in our lives. We broke the engagement news to our family and friends. Blessing, positive wishes, and immense excitement came flooding in.
Soon after we began planning a beautiful wedding in a nearby arboretum. From the outside, our relationship must have seemed perfect. But inside the relationship, we were a mess.
The more we planned our wedding the more we stressed. We were struggling. And we had been struggling for a long time.
My fiance said she felt trapped. She became disconnected and believed that she was misunderstood. Despite planning a wedding with me, her future husband, she felt completely alone.
I, however, felt I knew all the answers. If she would just do “X”, “Y”, or “Z”, everything would be better. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was casting judgment on her. And doing so quite frequently.
She felt alone and I felt I couldn’t trust her to pull her weight.
A literal recipe for disaster.
Over the next few months, we continued to grow apart. We would rarely discuss our relationship. I think both of us tried to ignore the obvious red flags surrounding us. If we just ignore the problems they don’t exist right? Wrong.
Things got really bad. We had hit a boiling point and I wanted to end the relationship.
I felt justified too. I was unable to trust her with even basic tasks. She seemed complacent and unwilling to grow with me. We both wanted to homeschool our children and that scared the shit out of me at this point.
If I can’t trust her with the dishes how can I really trust her with our child’s education?
One night we had a fight and I told her how I felt. She knew things were bad, but kept hoping we would work it out. Emotionally destroyed, she packed up whatever she could carry and left the house.
A four-year relationship, engagement, and wedding all over in the blink of an eye.
Over the next few days, we exchanged a few texts back and forth. We were trying desperately to work through whatever we could at this point.
Given how abruptly it all ended we agreed to have another discussion, but she wanted a few days to gather her thoughts.
When met again she had a gigantic list of notes. In our time apart she was researching trust, fear, and vulnerability. During a multi-hour discussion, we examined each of these concerns and their effects on our relationship.
What had really happened? What caused the cracks in the wall before it crumbled?
One thing shocked me more than anything else we talked about. She didn’t trust herself. There was an internal dialogue in her mind. She knew she wouldn’t follow through, so it was pointless to start something new.
And for the first time in our relationship, I felt that I truly began to understand her at a deeper level.
We agreed to keep the relationship alive, but with a few strict rules.
- Research. We would read and discuss a variety of popular relationship books
- Communication. We would take notes individually and meet each week to discuss the reading
- Judgment Free. We agreed to create an open environment where any concerns could be addressed
I didn’t know it at the time, but this commitment to communication would save our relationship.
It would bring us closer together than ever before. It would make us happier and more understood than we had ever felt before.
And it would make me realize how much I still needed to grow. You see I wasn’t nearly as “right” as I thought I was. Most of the time I wasn’t “fixing” shit in our relationship. I was making it worse, but my ego blinded me.
This is our story. The challenges we have overcome and continue to tackle. I am proud to say that we are still together despite it all.
Relationships are hard. People so often feel misunderstood and disconnected. Often we are not on the “same page.”
In this post, we have worked together to distill the information we believe saved our relationship and future marriage. We share this with you in the hope that it helps you when the chips are down and your back is to the wall.
People talk about “communication” as the key to a relationship, but what does it actually mean? It’s such a nebulous and vague term. We believe that that we failed to communicate about deep issues.
Our greatest fears, wildest dreams, and specific goals. These are the elements we were missing. As we began to work on our relationship I spotted a few insights that proved were we on the right track.
- We enjoyed the intentional time we spent together. This time together was ours alone. It allowed us to be focused together, improve our skills, and dive deeper into challenges that need additional attention. We both began to look forward to this time. It made us feel connected.
- I was not as right as I once thought. I was a shitty listener and spent most of the time frustrating her with solutions she already knew. You see, I am a fixer. It’s my greatest career asset and my biggest relationship hurdle to overcome. The more I tried to “fix” the less she wanted to open up to me.
- She became comfortable discussing deep emotional issues. In the past, she often felt I was being aggressive and confrontational in our discussions. These emotions made me remind her of negative memories with her father. He had unknowingly caused a great deal of emotional pain when she was a child. Once we understood what was happening we worked together to create a safer environment for her to share vulnerable thoughts.
- The more we worked together, the happier she became. She helped more around the house with small chores (something I routinely complained about before). She took better care of herself with hygiene and nutrition. She spent more time achieving her personal goals. And now she’s admitted to being happier now than she has ever been before.
- We felt more like a team. We became stronger together and in time that missing trust was rebuilt. It was hard and took a lot of time, but we did it. Little things still bother us, sure. But they are always addressed before they can be bottled up and devastate the relationship later.
- We had more fun and celebrated together. Before working on our relationship we would never plan date nights or go out on a whim. We preferred a binge night of Netflix because it was easy. Now we go out all the time. We indulge in fancy meals without guilt or worry about our budget. These times together are about us and we believe they should be celebrated that way.
Despite overcoming our hardships neither of us feels that we are unique or special. We know that other people are struggling to stay on the same page with their partner. It’s a constant battle that everyone battles against.
So, we feel it is our obligation to take what we have learned and to share it with you. Below are the specific steps we took to save our relationship. Use them to help yours:
Set a time to talk and be intentional
You’re already super busy, so be intentional with your time. Pick a date, mark it on the calendar, and set a notification on your phone. Whatever it takes to get you both in the same room at the same time.
One of you be more enthusiastic
Often this is the woman. But no matter who it is, understand the dynamic. If you are the one more invested in these meetings be aware of that. Keep the conversation on track and don’t push your partner farther than they are willing to go. If you push too hard they will get resistant to future discussions.
I promise they will open up more, but it may take some time. Be patient and always thank them for what they are doing. Even if you wanted more.
Pick categories before you meet
Our first meeting was a disaster compared to what we do now. I bought up a bunch of career and self-development concerns. She stayed focused on family, kids, and what our future home would look like. It was chaos.
Before you meet to decide on a few categories together. Deciding on a few categories will keep you focused and help you both articulate your thoughts. Some of the categories that we use are: Family / Kids, Finance, Experiences, Travel, Personal Goals, Dreams, Careers / Business
Always come prepared
Treat these discussions like a high priority meeting with your boss at work. Come prepared with your thoughts written down in detail.
Take notes, jot down questions and concerns. Anything goes. Just do the prep work.
Sharing the topics with your partner beforehand can be very helpful as well. If you blindside your partner with a touchy subject you can kiss your productive session goodbye. It will go down the tubes faster than you can even apologize.
A prepared couple also ensures that nothing is left unsaid. When you’re in the moment these discussions can be emotional. It’s easy to forget an important concern you had. What’s more, if you’re prepared you can even practice how you wish to address difficult topics.
Make it a date
You’re doing important work, so make it as easy as possible to go. Pick a fun place that you both love.
The first few times you do one of these goal-setting meetings it will be hard. Not too mention a little bit awkward. For these reasons, we highly recommend making this a special date night.
If your partner is the hesitant one then try picking a place they love. This will help them feel more comfortable and enjoy the experience more.
Listen with an open mind and heart
These sessions are not for the faint of heart. You’re going to hear some intense feedback and maybe even some downright tough criticism. It can be tough and uncomfortable.
You need to support each other without judgment. Your goal should be to create a safe place where both of your concerns can be heard. The more you two can share the secrets you can uncover.
Celebrate your victories
For us, I had a terrible habit of always fixing problems. The more I fixed the less open she was with her concerns. Now when she opens up I thank her. And when I listen without fixing she thanks me. By doing this we acknowledge that we are both overcoming our own challenges.
To change behavior you need to reward the positive and let the negative slide.
Overcome the hardship with a feeling of success. Build positive momentum and you will make big breakthroughs.
Take notes and reflect
After our first discussion, I felt like a college student who walked into the wrong class and took a final exam I knew nothing about. You know, you study all night for a physics exam only to find out the class is actually about the history of roman art… It didn’t go well.
I had no idea what I was doing. So I took a shitload of notes. These notes helped me reflect on our conversation afterward. Without the notes, I would have been left high and dry.
How you take the notes does not matter. Just take the notes. You’ll thank yourself later.
If you want to go further reflect and ask yourself some questions:
- How did the meeting go?
- Did I feel my concerns were heard?
- What should I work on for my partner?
- How can I make the next one better?
Schedule the next meeting
Your life is going to get busy. Doesn’t it always? I guarantee crap is going to get in your way.
We know that life will get in the way so it’s best to plan your next meeting during your first meeting. Don’t wait and put it off. You have the energy now so knock it out.
If you wait till later something will come up. A random project from work. Your car needs to go to the shop. Your kid has a soccer game that night.
To overcome the scheduling conflict we made our meetings recurring. In the beginning, we met every week to rebuild our relationship. We were in a tough place and the constant contact helped lift us out of a dark hole.
If you’re in better shape try a monthly approach. I would not recommend anything less frequent than that. Quarterly and yearly discussions are helpful but too infrequent from our experience to provide enough value.
These meetings are one of the most important things you can do in your relationship. Always make it easier to show up!
Almost two years later we still intentionally meet each month to discuss our individual and relationship goals. Our relationship is as good as it’s ever been and we’re never going to stop these discussions.
So, if you’re struggling in your relationship or just want to stay better connected then try some of our strategies.
Time goes by so quickly. Years can pass in the blink of an eye and one day you may wake up to a partner you barely recognize.
Don’t wait until it’s too late.
These tactics have worked for us and I’m confident they can work for you too.
