h2>Dating : How My Anxious Attachment Style Has Cost Me Thousands Of Dollars
Attachment theory. It’s all the rage these days.
For those of you who’ve missed the mania, here are the cliff notes. There are three main attachment styles, which can be divided into a seemingly infinite number of subcategories, but let’s keep things simple with the big three.
The idea is that everyone attaches (or shows up in relationships) in either a secure, avoidant or anxious manner. All three are argued to be the result of childhood experiences. While the avoidant will tend to withdraw from emotional intimacy and push their partners away, a secure partner is not predisposed to flee from or cling to a partner… then there’s me.
The anxiously attached. Blah, blah, difficult childhood. Blah, blah, has often rushed in with partners that were a poor fit. Blah, blah, can get a bit desperate if she finds her partner distancing themselves from her. Blah, blah, low self esteem. Blah, blah, seven texts in three hours. I’m working on it, okay?
But I wish I’d sorted it out years ago, because it’s cost me heaps. Examples follow.
Picking Up Tabs
I pick up the bill on the first date. I don’t want to set the precedent that I want to be spoiled (besides the infinite emotional demands, obviously). I like that everyone’s always surprised and I like doing nice things. I’m generous by nature — just sometimes for the wrong reasons. When it comes to the normal back and forth (I pay, you pay), I have often overspent. My desperate fear of looking greedy or demanding means that, in the lack of cent-for-cent calculation, I have often found myself paying for far more than the person I’m dating due to a paralyzing fear of being judged, rejected, or presumed to be a jerk.
Going The Extra Mile
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve taken an outlandishly priced taxi to see some guy who didn’t deserve a moment of my time, I could buy him another drink. I’ve sought validation, I’ve pursued people who aren’t willing to pursue me. I’ve bent over backwards trying to get affirmation from people I don’t particularly like or care about. I’ve gone to people who wouldn’t come to me to avoid the feeling of rejection that comes with them taking a pass on seeing me altogether. It’s not a good look.
Self Esteem Buy-Ins
My fear of being abandoned, coupled with my need to prove that I’m lovable and desirable, have driven me to spend money I shouldn’t have. I find myself, especially in times of lower security, spending on things I think will steel my fragile ego. At the end of the day, any partner whose interest would dwindle because I have minimum-wage nails and am sporting a thrifted dress… doesn’t exist. Nobody’s going to dump you because you’re wearing Levi’s instead of Gucci. They’re not even going to notice — but still I, and other anxiously attached people, grasp at straws.
General Broke Avoidance
I’ve gone on dates and made plans I probably shouldn’t have. I want to keep up, have fun, be cute, and not sound like a total fucking downer. If I can’t do extravagant things with them, will they leave me? Not if they’re the right one. The right partner will realize that saying “I just can’t afford that right now,” is essential to personal empowerment.
Changing The Pattern
Working toward that empowerment, though, is more than just those seven powerful words.
Mastering the art of “no,” learning my worth, investing in a partner who wants to do boundary-setting and relationship-healing work with me — all part of my approach. Publicly declaring I won’t spend from insecurity anymore probably ain’t a bad idea either.
Growing into a more secure person is a non-linear journey, and requires daily effort, but I’m hard atit — and I reckon both my bank account and heart will thank me for it.
