Dating : How to Have Sex With a Crazy Cat Lady

A Crazy Cat Lady has everything you could possibly want in a woman.

She’s loving, loyal, and caring. Plus, she has crazy in her name, and you know what they say about crazy girls in the sack, right?

But before you have sex with a Crazy Cat Lady, you’ll have to find one.

Well, that’s the easy part — they’re all single.

Crazy Cat Ladies have given up on finding husbands. And love in general (but you’re about to change that.) While they may have entertained the idea of marriage in the past, they’ve settled for a life of solitude.

Well, I guess it’s not complete solitude when you’re drowning in Persians and British Shorthairs.

So, finding a Crazy Cat Lady isn’t the hard part. However, it will take some time and effort if you’re looking to seduce one.

Make a great fur-st impression

Inevitably, the date will be at her house.

There is no way in hell she’ll leave her “wittle cutey babies all sad and alone after din-din.” She also needs to make sure to give one of them an insulin shot every three hours.

That means you’ll need to woo her the second you walk through her door.

Oh, and you can’t miss her house. It’s the one with the doormat out front that says, “Wipe your paws.”

As a gentleman, you’ll need to bring your date a gift. But not just any ole gift. After all, you’re not going on a date with any ole lady. No flowers, no bottles of wine, and definitely no chocolates. Chocolate is toxic to her feline babies.

Instead, bring a bag of catnip.

You need to gift the pussy before the pussy gifts you.

This shows her you care about her fur babies even though you couldn’t give a flying shit. The only consequence is that you’ll be required to sit in her living room for 45 minutes so she can show you how Sprinkles and Mr. Fluffpants “go absolutely bonkers” for the catnip.

For extra bonus points, tell her how much you love Sprinkles and Mr. Fluffpants every three minutes.

Trust me. After that — you’re in, my friend.

Seduce the pur-tty lady

If you want to have sex with a Crazy Cat Lady, seduction is key. To get into her pants, you’ll have to think — that’s right — like a cat.

First and foremost, do not shower her with attention. If you compliment her too much, you’ll set off an alarm in her head that something’s wrong. She needs to work for it.

Stare out her window while she’s talking. Eyeball that old cardboard box she has in the corner. Then walk into her kitchen and demand a glass of white wine by pawing at the fridge. Once she pours it, knock it on the ground.

Now that she’s getting annoyed, it’s time to work your charm.

While she’s picking up the glass, nuzzle her with your head. She’ll forgive you almost immediately.

It’s time to seal the deal. This next trick is guaranteed to drive her wild.

Brush the cat hair off her hand-crocheted sweater and softly graze her cheek. Lean in and whisper in her ear, “I want you right meow.”

She’ll melt into a puddle of used cat litter and whisk you away into the bedroom.

Get that tail

Sure, she’s lookin’ mighty fine in her sweatpants. But you’re ready to slide those bad boys off and make her purr all night long.

You might have some performance issues down there once you realize you have forty pairs of eyes watching you from different parts of the room. I know it might be tempting to shoo them out of the bedroom. And that overwhelming stench from the litter box next to the bedstand isn’t your idea of an aphrodisiac aroma.

But sending the cats out of the room will almost immediately ruin your chances of sex with the Crazy Cat Lady.

3/4 of her cats have separation anxiety and will piss on the carpet if she’s not in their line of sight for longer than three minutes.

So, relax and enjoy the exhibitionism.

If she starts to hiss, slow down. Crazy Cat Lady needs her foreplay. Or as she likes to call it, fur-play.

Make sure to laugh at all her cat puns. Even with your boner hanging out.

Now that you’re getting into the groove, feel free to switch up the positions. But whatever you do — do not ask her to have sex doggy style. This is the biggest turn-off for any Crazy Cat Lady. I cannot stress this enough. No. Doggy. Style.

After you’ve finished, you’ll need to make the walk of shame past her cats to the bathroom. Their soulless eyes are filled with disappointment about your sexual performance.

Kiss your Crazy Cat Lady on the way out and be prepared to have her call and text for the next twelve days in a row.

That’s the perfect amount of time to let the scratch marks on your back heel.