Dating : How to Vaporize Tinder Flakes at the Press of (a few) Buttons

This week, I was featured in an outstanding article in Cosmopolitan about the online dating technique I teach in Soulmate Method.

As you can see, my friend and journalist/writer/host Gabi Conti did an outstanding job with what I taught her.

But there was a lot of advice that was understandably left out of the article. So I’d like to show you everything I told to Gabi so she can pull of such an amazing Tinder experiment:

Why should you call a date before you go on a date? How does a phone call prevent flaking?

The first thing I tell anyone who is going on a ton of online dates and not yet hitting pay dirt is to start adding phone calls into your approach.

This changes everything. You want to do it as soon as he proposes that you two get together. Say something like, “Hold yer horses, cowboy. Wanna talk on the phone first?”

Now before you tell me that you hate talking on the phone, or it’s awkward, I want you to hear me out first.

The whole point of the phone call is that it is awkward, but you know what’s more awkward? Spending an hour with a random person off the internet that could be the worst match for you ever (an probably will be).

So what is the solution? Do a “chemistry check” for just three minutes on the phone. You see, DMing is really not a good judgment of chemistry or character. How many times have you had amazing texting chemistry with a guy on Tinder only to find that his real personality is completely different on the date? I know it’s happened to me millions of times.

But a quick phonecall acts as the unofficial first date. Do you know how great that is? Online dating is basically the modern version of a blind date. Yeah, you know what he’s going to look like (most of the time), but whether you two will have fun together or not is unknown.

The way he sounds on the phone is likely going to be the way he sounds in person. The chemistry you have on the phone is going to be very similar in person.

And plus, you get all of the awkwardness out of the way early. You know how sometimes on a Tinder date it takes a good half hour or even hour to for you both to “warm up” and learn each other’s rhythm? To find genuinely fun or interesting things you two can relate on? That rhythm is taken care of on the three minute phone call.

Next, it saves all of us a lot of time. After five minutes on the phone with someone, you generally know if you’d like to see him or not — If you felt any spark or not. There, you just saved at least an hour sitting through one of his boring stories about his vaping start-up. If you’re a Tinderholic like I was, I went on anywhere from 3–5 dates a week when I was single. And let’s say you’re just getting coffee at a cafe nearby, that will take at least an hour. But usually people are getting drinks, and one drink can turn into two or three drinks. Just because, why not? Sometimes it’s better than staying in watching TV. If it’s a dinner date, that’s around two hours.

See, all of this can be exciting if each date was a home run. But they’re usually not. And I want you spending time with people that are worth your time. If you are wasting an hour on a stranger every time you consider someone, that stacks up to you spending more time with duds than your family or friends — or someone special. You’ll be cutting literally hours down on your schedule each week.

And further, when you use phonecalls to filter out the less-than exciting matches, you spend more time only going on dates with the men who you have a spark with.

Because when I go on a date with someone, I want to know that I’m actually going to have a great time. I don’t want to guess.

Without adding the phonecall into your online dating process, you’re basically playing Russian Roulette each time you meet someone. Instead, do a favor for yourself and only spend time with men who you have a really good feeling will be worth your while.

Why do men flake on dates, especially with online ones?

This is another benefit I forgot to mention. After you start having phonecalls with men beforehand, flake rate drops dramatically.

Let’s talk about why people flake in the first place. When you are just a photo and some chat text, you’re a product on Amazon Prime to men. They don’t see you as a real person because online dating makes it that way. But when you two talk on the phone, you suddenly become real to him. And when you two find that spark while talking, a mini-relationship is formed. You now know each other as people much more than before instead of just another random chick on the internet.

So if you do actually make plans with him after chatting on the phone, he has your real personality in his mind. He can put a personality to the photo. Something closer to tangible.

How do I get a match to talk on the phone?

First off, you want to make sure you do it after you’ve decided you actually would like to see him in person. Don’t just ask every single guy to talk on the phone as a replacement for texting.

Then, don’t bring it up as if it’s a chore or as if it’s your safety precaution. This will bring up the wrong vibe for y’all. Instead, introduce the idea as a fun next step in getting to know each other. No need to say stuff like, “I want to make sure we click,” that’ll make it feel forced.

You want the vibe to feel light and playful. You can say stuff like:

“My fingers are tired of texting. Let’s talk on the phone.”

“I want to see if your voice sounds like a chipmunk in person. Call me XXX-XXXX.”

“I’m about to play HQ and I need to phone a friend. Want to help me answer questions?”

Maybe you’re watching The Bachelorette and you find he likes it too. Tell him you to call you so you guys can watch it together. If there’s no spark, just say you’re going out with your friends and you gotta go.

Once I have him on the phone what should I talk about? Anything I should or shouldn’t say?

The number one thing to focus on when talking on the phone is looking to see if there’s chemistry. So make the talk playful. See how he responds to your quirkiness. See if he is way too serious.

Whatever you do, do not get into interview mode. If he starts running a question train on you about what your job is, where you live, where you grew up, just start to change the subject. Those questions are all fine and dandy, but that’s stuff you can get deeper into when you’re together. Right now it’s about fun.