h2>Dating : Is He Too Ugly To For Someone To Love?
Every couple of years, I’ll get a letter like this: someone who insists that, unlike all the other people who’ve written in who are “too ugly to date”, is in fact the Elephant Man.
Hey there Dr. NerdLove,
I’ve come across your site and like your stuff. I read your article “What Do You Do When You’re Too Ugly to Date?” — The way I look and how people treat me has been plaguing me all of my life. Even at work I have people who comment on my looks and disrespect me, upper level managers as well. Saying things like, “It looks like I’ve had a sex change.”
I’m 29 now and didn’t lose my virginity until 25… only due to online and drastically lowering my standards. But I’m not that picky when it comes to looks and would love to have a meaningful relationship… the issue is, I really am ugly and have little success with women. Even with online, it is incredibly difficult to get a girl just to meetup for coffee/drinks. I have tried online a lot over the past 5 years, all different sites, strategies, etc. Usually they just flake or ghost me. There isn’t much I can do with my looks besides losing 10–15lbs and putting on some muscle. I have dark bags/deep wrinkles under my eyes and my hair is slowly falling out. I’m on a hair loss regimen but this hasn’t helped much.
I honestly hate the way I look and the way people treat me. Over the years I’ve become more socially awkward from the way I’ve been treated and feel like I just don’t belong. I’ve been seeing a psychologist but I just feel like this is an issue I’ll never be able to overcome. I’m embarrassed of how I look… I can show you pictures, I’m not overblowing it. I’m maybe a 3/10 if I’m lucky.
All I’ve really wanted/needed to be content in life is a few friends and to be able to date occasionally/find a meaningful relationship. But I’m just starting to feel like I’ll never be able to have things in life I want the most. This honestly makes me feel like it just isn’t worth the effort and causes me to have suicidal ideations (no current/future plans). I’m just not really sure what to do anymore. I feel like an outcast, that my life just doesn’t matter, and that I have pretty limited options.
Man In The Mirror
Every couple of years, I’ll get a letter like this: someone who insists that, unlike all the other people who’ve written in who are “too ugly to date”, is in fact the Elephant Man. And honestly, my response is the same. If I could have a dime for every time someone told me that they were hideously ugly — the human equivalent of a popped zit, Spawn, Freddie Krueger and Deadpool all got dosed with thalidomide and then had a mutant flipper-baby together and gave that baby to Quasimodo to raise ugly — and they were dead-bang average at worst, I’d be swimming in money like it was Scrooge McDuck’s money bin.
9 times out of 10, the issue almost always comes down to presentation, not facial features; little things like a change in hairstyle, clothes that fit and some basic grooming and skin care can utterly transform a person without even the slightest alteration of their facial features. But even on the rare occasions that someone is legitimately unattractive… well, honestly, there’s a reason why “good looking” isn’t the same thing as “attractive”. Now, my traditional go-to when I want to point out that aesthetically pleasing good looks have little to do with attractiveness is Serge Gainsbourg — a man who looks like his dad was a drunken sailor and his mother was a Deep One, a guy who has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle. But he’s not the only one out there. Vincent Cassel can be charitably described as “very French”, and yet does just fine for himself. Steve Buscemi — someone whose eyes became their own meme — is married with children. Henry Kissinger was known for getting more strange ass than a Fallout 76 donkey auction despite both looking like a frog AND being a genocidal maniac. Iraq war veterans who literally had their faces burned off have gotten married. People with dwarfism, osteogensis imperfecta and other genetic issues have all loved and married. Hell, one of the more famous and successful dating coaches out there — Sean Stephenson — was 3 feet tall, confined to a wheelchair and yet had a legendary love life.
So even if you are that rare okapi who actually is as ugly as he believes himself to be, you are hardly beyond help.
And that’s assuming I believe that you’re actually that ugly, MitM.
There are quite a few things you could do — strictly on a material level — that will transform you. If you’re losing your hair, then you may want to consider leaning into it and shaving your head. If your jawline isn’t the greatest, a well trimmed and maintained beard can help give your face definition. There are under-eye treatments for bags and dark circles, there are skin care regimens that can shrink your pores and even out your complexion and yes, there’s always eating well and exercising. In fact, I’d recommend examining your diet and starting a workout routine regardless, because those are simply good for you. Our bodies are built to move and most of us live lifestyles that are increasingly sedentary; regular movement, engaging your cardiovascular system and getting your heart rate up will make you feel better over all.
But if I’m going to be perfectly honest: your problem is mental and emotional, not physical. I suspect that if you were to go for plastic surgery — as many people have — you’d discover that your problems haven’t changed at all.
Quite frankly, I think your bigger problem is that you’re surrounded by assholes. It sounds to me like your job is a goddamn toxic shitshow that should be burned to the ground; when even upper management feels free to insult the employees, it’s time to serve 30 days notice with five gallons of gasoline and a book of matches.
One of the things that people rarely realize is just how much our environment affects our emotions. When you’re absorbing negativity from a thousand different directions — from the fucksticks at work to performative anger and despair on social networks, even the daily news at times — it’s no wonder that hope seems nonexistent and all life feels like a neverending parade of failure and misery. The more you get exposed to it, the more it affects you and, perversely, the more likely you are to keep exposing yourself to it. After all, we have an instinctive negativity bias that makes all those negative emotions feel more real and valid… even when they’re not. It’s a classic case of what Natalie Wynn calls “Masochistic Epistemology”: if it hurts, it must be true, and it’s true BECAUSE it hurts. It’s very easy to get hooked into a self-reinforcing cycle of pain and misery, the emotional equivalent of cutting and self-harm.
That’s why your first step should be cutting out those sources of negativity and harm. Finding another goddamn job — then preferably giving everyone the double-bird and doing the “You’re all fucking assholes and also I quit” dance on the way out the door — is one step. The next is eliminating the other areas you go that cause you emotional harm and trauma. Even limiting your use of Facebook and Twitter can go a long way towards easing the psychic burden and letting your self-esteem rebuild.
But cutting out the negative is only the start. You want to replace them with as much positivity as you can as well. Positive emotional support, affirmation and positive reinforcement are necessary for growth; that’s going to be like watering a parched flower. There are a number of places to start this healing process. Going to therapy is a good start… but it’s just a start, and it only works if you’re actually acting on your therapist’s advice. If you’re just listening to them with the emotional equivalent of rolled eyes or making “blah blah blah” gestures, then you’re not going to improve.
Just as importantly, however, is that you need your Team You — people who care for you and support you and who’ll cheer you on. It sounds like you’re pretty bereft of that right now, and that lack is dragging you down. Getting out there and looking for friends, finding people who will have your back, will do far more for you and your emotional growth and healing than any amount of weight loss or fashion upgrades.
Because right now? A lot of the things you’re experiencing are actually normal; they’re just getting passed through the filter of “I’m too ugly to do X”. Lack of responses on dating apps, people ghosting you or flaking on dates? Unfortunately… that’s dating in the 21st century. It sucks, but it’s become part of the experience. Even folks who are model handsome get ghosted.
The thing to keep in mind: that voice in the back of your head that tells you that you’re too ugly, you’re too weird, you’re too whatever? It’s a fucking liar. It drips poison in your ear and whispers your worst fears while you sleep. Worse, it does so in your own voice, so it sounds like truth, not things designed to make you feel lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch. Learning to shut that voice up is one of the most valuable skills you can cultivate.
While doing a fashion upgrade and getting a make-over will help — quite a bit, in fact — I think you need to prioritize the mental and emotional over the physical. Put your emphasis on eliminating the toxic influences in your life, double up on the positive ones and find the people that make you feel alive and loved. You’ll realize you’ve got far more than you’ve ever dreamed.
You’re stronger than you realize, braver than you give yourself credit for and more desirable than you let yourself believe. You’ve been beaten to your knees… but you can still get back up. The power is there at your command.
Good luck.
