Dating : Love the one you love in moderation, because the one you love may one day become the one you hate.

Avoiding The Pre-Marital Pitfall

“Love the one you love in moderation, because the one you love may one day become the one you hate. And hate the one you hate in moderation, because the one you hate may one day become the one you love” — Ali Ibn Abi Talib

In the Islamic tradition, the maintenance of emotional balance and composure is essential to mastery over oneself in a myriad of capacities, especially one that involves being vulnerable. The Prophet said, “The strong is not one who can wrestle someone to the ground, but the strong is the one who can control himself when he is angry.” [Collected in Sahih Al Bukhari and Muslim]

Love is the greatest vulnerability and is oftentimes exploited when expressed by someone who does not know its value and cannot control the degree to which he/she exposes it. In the pre-martial phase of the relationship, it is important that brother and sisters set emotional boundaries to avoid being vulnerable at the wrong time and in front of the wrong person.

At the onset of a pre-martial meeting, many tend to let their emotional guard down, making themselves appear needy and desperate due to the window of time that has passed since their last marriage and/or relationship. When boredom and loneliness settle in, we tend to jump at the first opportunity that presents itself because we are emotionally compromised.

Research has shown that the frontal lobe of the brain is responsible for higher cognitive functions such as impulse control, problem solving and most importantly, emotions. Once we lose access to that place, most, if not all, of our decisions become driven by impulse and poorly managed emotions, setting us up for failure in the long run.

There is no coincidence that the Prophet forbade a judge from adjudicating between two people when he is angry, as he said, “The judge should not make a ruling between two people while he is angry.” [Collected in the Sunan of At Tirmithi], and why a man who pronounces divorce on his wife while anger has completely encapsulated him to the point where he doesn’t understand what he is saying, does not count and the same reason why we should not pray while we are hungry.

The key to being successful during the pre-marital phase is to avoid becoming emotionally compromised to the point where one overlooks the red flags of the other. Dopamine is referred to as a “happy hormone” and is usually released during an attraction to someone. This chemical has the tendency to make us giddy, euphoric and vulnerable to red flags.

Red flags are not always visible upon immediate observation. Sometimes they don’t expose themselves until the couple is knee deep into the thralls of married life, and by then, an exist strategy may not be an option due to other factors like love, children and social/ familial pressures to stay married. This does not mean that we should not expose our feelings to someone that we are considering for marriage, but to maintain enough emotional composure to see the person for who they really are, rather than who we really want them to be.

When we make dua to Allah for a righteous spouse, it becomes our responsibility to connect with that dua by not allowing ourselves to become so compromised that when Allah is responding we don’t hear it. Allah says in the Qur’an, “And don’t be like those who say, “We hear”, though they do not hear. Indeed the worst type of creatures in the sight of Allah are those who deaf and dumb and who do not apply reason.” (Al Qur’an 8:21–22

“To love the right person is a comedy. To love the wrong person is a tragedy.” — TWertenbaker

Written by Shadeed Muhammad 2/10/2021

You can find more articles of Shadeed Muhammad on his website www.rawdahmasjid.com and Instagram Shadeed Muhammad and Facebook @ Shadeed Muhammad/ Rawdah Admin