h2>Dating : Men, Holding Sexual Boundaries — Instead of Pushing Them–Can Bring Surprising Success in Dating
But that’s not why you should do it.
My experience dating as a hetero woman pretty uniformly runs this course: When I decide to get physically intimate with a man, we go around the bases until I say stop. The man pushes for something, and I say no — either verbally or through non-verbal communication (aka dodging his hand from touching that body part). The man pushes for something else until I say no again. He’s offense; I’m defense. With rare exceptions, this is how hookups play out.
While I enjoy a man who initiates, I’ve also grown weary of being the one to always hold the sexual boundary. It’s hard to relax when I’m always playing defense, and it shuts down a lot of pleasure and enjoyment for me. This dynamic is too close to the home of women’s experiences in the outside world. With unwanted advances coming at us from all directions, women have learned to wear energetic armor just to walk down the street or enter the workplace. And that armoring is not so easy to drop in the bedroom with someone we actually want to be with — especially if that man is pushy.
To complicate things, I desire an assertive partner — one who’s not afraid to take charge. While mutual consent is a must, I’m not interested in playing offense or directing the intimate encounter. This begs question: how can a man lead in intimacy while also respecting a woman’s sexual boundaries?
Here’s a suggestion taken from my own dating life.
When the seafood restaurant my date had chosen for dinner was unexpectedly closed, I suggested we cook dinner at my nearby apartment instead. We had already gone on a few great dates, were developing an emotional connection, and had the physical chemistry when we kissed. Still, I was nervous about having him over, and he could tell. Right before I keyed into my front door, he said, “We’ll only go PG-13 far.”
It was cute — and also what I wanted. Because this conversation took place before things got physical that night, before we’d even entered my apartment, I felt a lot of agency and safety to agree or disagree. (I agreed.) I also liked that he brought up and set the boundary. It was good masculine leadership, and that was a big turn-on.
And he stuck to it.
In the past, and with this man as well, I’ve verbalized my need to take it slow. I’ll clearly state this, more than once, and tell dates why. But then, when we’re alone in one of our apartments, men who say they understand my boundary, push at it anyway. Even the most empowered woman struggles to not give in to that sort of low-grade but persistent pressure and sometimes ends up going a little (or a lot) further than she wanted.
This is not a win for you; it makes you a low-grade creep.
So forgive me if I tested this date to see if he’d actually toe the line. More than once. He held our PG-13 rating the entire time. As a result, my body relaxed its hyper-vigilance and deep pleasure emerged. Because my date both initiated and firmly held the boundary, he gained my respect and trust. It was hot.
While it’s certainly important for all humans, regardless of gender, to hold their own boundaries, when the man sets and respects the boundary that most women have historically had pushed, or violated, respect and trust are firmly established. Responsible sexual energy is wildly attractive; pushy sexual energy is not.
A simple way you can do this on a first date in the age of COVID is to let a woman know, before meeting up, what’s the plan to uphold social distancing. I’ve been online dating throughout this pandemic, and across-the-board have been the one to initiate the conversation about dating responsibly during this time. Not only that, I’ve been the one to set the boundary: no physical contact — or within 6-feet of closeness — on a first date during a pandemic.
I’ve yet to have the guy bring it up first: here’s how I will keep us safe… and initiate responsible boundaries around masks, contact, meeting somewhere outside, etc. Despite clearly verbalizing my comfort level, and seriousness, about socially distancing because of my health, most of my dates still try to touch me — even if it’s just an “innocent” hug or tap on the arm. This is not cool. Don’t be that guy.
Approaching dating and early intimacy from a place of how can I serve versus what can I get or get away with will probably get you more. But that’s not a reason for doing it. You do it because you’re a man who wants to give the person you’re dating an experience of real safety and pleasure — and you’re not a creep.
In doing so, you will gain respect and trust. A man like that, I’d follow anywhere.
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The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.
