Dating : Mr. Right: How Can You Know?

Whether you believe in a single Mr. Right or just need to figure out if this guy is a good one, these tips will help.

After a string of bad relationships, it can be tough to tell when you’ve finally found a good guy. Whether you believe in just one Mr. Right who is meant for you, or just want to make sure you find someone who’s decent and loving, you might wonder what to look for.

When you talk to others, the specifics can muddy the waters even more. One friend will say you should look for a guy with a good job, while another will say you should look for someone who’s kind to animals. Your cousin will say he should be good in bed and your aunt will tell you that he needs to be good with kids.

But what if you don’t want kids and you’re not an animal lover? There has to be something else you can use to determine if the guy you’re dating or thinking of dating is right for you.

I’ve got eight things you can look for, and none of them include how he treats animals or his job. But if he ticks off every one, he’s a keeper.

Respect is huge in any relationship, romantic or platonic. But in a romantic relationship, it’s even more important. Your romantic partnership, hopefully, will last the rest of your life. You’ll ideally be living with this person, perhaps raising children with him, and spending long days after retirement with him. If you don’t respect each other, those will be some long, rather lonely and even painful days.

Respect means he accepts your decisions, even when he doesn’t agree with them. It means he doesn’t try to control you or manipulate you. It means he supports you and helps you follow your dreams. He appreciates your differences and is mindful of how he communicates with you. He encourages you to spend time by yourself or with friends, and is reliable and trustworthy.

The respect goes both ways. If you can’t respect him, it doesn’t matter how much respect he gives you.

There’s nothing more frustrating than dating someone who’s constantly canceling dates on you, or who never plans a date until the last minute. Unless it’s dating someone who never calls you or responds to your texts.

Mr. Right makes an effort. He might be busy, he might work long and hard hours, but he’ll find time to call you, text you, and see you. He might cancel now and then, but he’ll make sure to make it up to you. He’ll bring you flowers and remember that you love purple tulips, not red roses. He’ll plan thoughtful dates that show you he’s paid attention to things you’ve said.

He may not get everything exactly right, especially as you’re getting to know each other, but you’ll be able to tell he’s trying his best.

Whether it’s a planned date or a promise to remember that you’re allergic to shellfish, he keeps his word. If he says he’ll call you at 7 p.m., your phone rings at 7 p.m.

It goes beyond his promises to you, though. He also keeps his word to others. If he promises to take his mom to the doctor, his kid to the park, or to pick up coffee for his boss, he follows through.

Keeping his word also applies to things he doesn’t do. When he says he won’t do something, whether it’s seeing that movie without you or talking to an old girlfriend, he sticks to it.

Of course, emergencies happen and sometimes he might have to break his word. But more often than not, he keeps every promise he makes. When he doesn’t, he’s remorseful, explains why, and works to make things right with you.

How do you talk to each other? Is it gently, with kindness and encouragement, openness and honesty? Or is it rudely, snapping and being sarcastic, secretive and frustrated? Teasing sarcasm has its place, and some couples manage to truly turn it into an art form. But there’s a huge difference between teasing sarcasm and being cruel to each other.

If he’s Mr. Right, being kind to each other should be the default. If you do engage in teasing sarcasm, you both know that’s happening, and you also both know when to turn it off and where the line is between being lovingly teasing and being mean.

If he doesn’t speak kindly to you, that should be a huge red flag. If you can’t speak kindly to him, you should explore why.

It’s not first on the list, but trust may be the most important thing. There are so many aspects to trust. There’s trusting him not to physically harm you, not to steal from you, not to cheat on you, not to lie and hide things from you, and to be there to support and love you.

If you’ve come off a lot of bad relationships where trust was a big problem, this may also be one of the hardest parts for you in finding Mr. Right. Often, we go one of two ways after several bad relationships:

· We stop trusting anyone because of what people have done in the past and end up punishing someone new for what others have done

· We trust wholeheartedly because we don’t want to blame someone new for what others have done, but by doing so, we ignore the red flags that tell us we shouldn’t trust

You might find that you need to work with a therapist to get through trust issues. But you should still be able to have some sense of being able to trust him if he’s Mr. Right. You should be able to recognize that he hasn’t given you reason not to trust him.

Drama is not an indication of love, passion, or anything else good. Drama is a sign that there’s an unhealthy dynamic between you and your partner.

This doesn’t mean you’ll never argue or have conflict of some sort. But drama should be practically nonexistent.

What’s the difference between arguing or conflict and drama?

If you argue or have conflict, you disagree about something. But you can discuss it and find a resolution, even if the resolution is to agree to disagree. There may be some slightly raised voices, some heated discussions, and you might even need to take a break and come back to the discussion later.

Drama is arguing over nothing. It’s looking for reasons to argue. It’s checking their phone, accusing them of lying or cheating or otherwise deceiving you. It’s slamming doors and screaming. It’s threatening to break up every time you disagree.

There should be almost no drama. Why “almost” instead of a flat “no?” Because we’re all human. We all have days where we overreact, get overly emotional, and say or do something that’s over the top. The key is that this doesn’t happen often and that when it does, you apologize and make it right.

As I’ve written in an article about relationship expectations, you can’t expect your partner to want exactly the same things as you in everything. It’s important to realize that this is not about being in total agreement on everything. But you should want the same things from a relationship and have the same general desires about life in general.

If one of you wants to get married and have kids, and the other doesn’t, that’s a sign that he’s not Mr. Right. But if you merely disagree on how many kids to have, that may be something you can discuss and find a solution.

This doesn’t mean you need to nail down a wedding date on the first date. It just means that as you’re getting to know each other and your relationship is progressing, you should be seeing the same general future. If you’re seeing wildly different things, unless one of you is willing to completely shift your own vision for life, he may not be Mr. Right.

When a guy is right for you, you’ll feel free to be authentically yourself with him. You won’t worry about what you say or do in his presence because you know he’ll accept you as you are. You won’t worry that he’ll get angry or offended.

If you feel like you need to walk on eggshells around him, or you’re constantly second-guessing everything you want to say or do around him, that means you don’t feel free with him.

Of course, the first few dates, you’re putting your best foot forward. You might hold back a bit as you get to know him and feel comfortable with him. But if you’re six months or a year in and still holding back, you don’t feel free with him and that’s a red flag.

Not only should you feel free, but he should encourage you to be free. He should encourage you to be yourself, to say or do what you want, because he loves you for you.

Whether you believe in a single soulmate that exists for you, or that any man with the right qualities can be Mr. Right, making sure he meets these simple criteria is the perfect starting point. After that, it’s all about common interests, shared values, and pure love.

And if you’re looking for Ms. Right, you can still use these criteria. While I used Mr. Right for simplicity’s sake, these are the things anyone of any gender should look for in a partner as a good jumping off point.

One final note: What if the person doesn’t meet all eight? Can you still date them?

My thoughts: You can, but would you really want to? When I look at this list, I see a list of basic nonnegotiables. Basic qualities that make up a decent human being. So if one is missing, then a basic component of being a decent human being is missing.

If you’re willing to overlook that, the decision is yours. But you might want to explore why you’d want to date someone who doesn’t respect you, doesn’t try, doesn’t keep his word, or doesn’t see the same future as you. It might make a world of difference to your future relationships.