Dating : “Not Raised that Way”

On NOT Being Friends with Exes, for my Mental Health.

I was talking to my mother about someone from my past who recently tried to re-enter my life, and how I shut it down. The relationship had been toxic for me, and I didn’t want to leave anything ambiguous.

But she had a different opinion.

“You weren’t raised that way!”

My parents broke up, and are still on good terms. They were friends before they had me, and they’re friends now.

And I can understand that — They have a child together. So there’s always going to be a reason for them to talk to one another.

But I don’t like being friends with exes. I don’t like feeling obligated to be friends with someone just because it seems like a cool or mature thing to do.

And I don’t have kids. So why be friends with exes?

My past attempts to be friends with exes have blown up in my face.

Every time I’ve tried this, it’s ended badly. Whether it’s the ex who was secretly still in love with me years later, or the one who tried to reconcile as part of his therapy (and ended up being abusive again), or just friends with benefits — it simply hasn’t worked for me.

Being friends with exes has been a waste of my time and emotions.

So when my mom said that, I shrugged.

It wasn’t how I was raised. I was raised to be friends with my exes.

I was raised to act fine with things I wasn’t fine with. I was raised to repress my feelings.

I was raised to do a lot of things that I don’t currently agree with.

So why this obligation? Why is it seen as “mature”?

It’s a waste of my energy and time.

I wasn’t raised that way. I became that way.

I used to try to be friends with exes. That was how I was raised.

Until I had my own experiences. Until I learned that continuing to open the door for people who have hurt me…just because they are sorry…is absolute bullshit.

I do not have to save face or act like I’m okay with something I’m not okay with.

I don’t have to forgive people just because they’re sorry.

I don’t have to feel bad about that.

If I make room for exes, that’s room I don’t have for someone new.

I have a limited number of hours in a day.

So I block my exes and hide social media feeds from mutual friends.

I don’t even look, because I don’t want them to occupy any part of my mind in any way.

I have to be the best version of myself…not just for myself, but also for the next relationship. Maybe other people can do it, but I haven’t had good luck with it. It is not appealing to me, and I don’t see the need to keep on trying.

Maybe I was raised to spread myself thin.

But that’s not what I learned.