Dating : Or we could just pretend…

I should go. I should pack my bags and get both feet out of your heart. I cannot blame you for all the things I want that you are unable to give to me. This emotional game we’ve played for years, I think it’s time I leave. I tell myself that if you walk away first, it would be easier for me to survive. I don’t want you to go, I won’t ask you to stay. I don’t know how to be selfish, it’s exhausting to never know what you feel. No doubts, I’ve never doubted your heart but you’re running. I can’t chase you when you want to run forever. When we talk, I hear it in your voice. The tiredness and the lackluster, spiritless and vapid. We’re running on empty batteries, you’re done but you don’t even realize it yet. You know me, i never leave. Please go, for both our sakes.

I don’t know what’s on the radio these days, I’ve been lost in my head but i don’t want to be found. Do you think there’s a limit to where we can go? A limit to what you give? Maybe I’ve been overthinking, perhaps I’m not thinking enough. The song peaks and my head drops, my heart bleeds, I’m not what you want. Hope is a dangerous thing to have, I have too much hope for this world. In that space between elation and nothingness, with blurry eyes from tears and muddled imaginations. There’s nothing to fix, only ourselves. We are like diamonds shining but we’re shattered pieces of glass on the ground, all I hear is silence. So I drive, and I walk for miles without direction because really, what is the essence of life? You’re not here, you never will be. I don’t want to stop just yet.

Apologies like bandages over infected wounds. These wounds refuse to heal, you don’t know where to start and I don’t know what to do. So I turn off reminders of you and pray to gods that you don’t call, only because I keep rising to fall. I don’t want answers, there are no gaps to fill. Maybe I’m running when I said I’d never leave. Perhaps, this is my fault, or it’s yours or we could blame it on the universe. These are the things I think about when I watch you sleep. You’re deep in subconsciousness and your breathing slows, I’m losing you to life. Maybe you mean everything to me and maybe we were always meant to say goodbye.

I don’t leave, but maybe I am. We have come to the borderline, a truth we both know, Two feet out the door this time my love, the guilt is overwhelming sometimes. Is this what people mean when they love enough to let go? If freedom is what we need to live, then you’re free. No guilt, only Love in all the ways I am able to give it. I will not promise to not break some days, I’m human after all. Still perhaps one day, I could be happy for you. This is the point where the flame of hope in my heart dies out.