Dating : RAINBOW FLAG

RAINBOW FLAG

Carmella you need to calm down, let us discuss this together.

I was pacing back and forth around my therapist’s office. It had the most beautiful furniture set up with colorful paintings on the wall. But today I wasn’t even interested in what color it had or what furniture it was. Right now I need to fix my broken marriage before my husband gets to know.

« I just cheated on my husband, how do you expect me to stay calm? » I said this with my hands on my chest. I could feel my heart race so fast that I thought it would pop out.

« Carmella sit » my therapist said again

Mrs Laura was introduced to me by my friend Brit at the Women Health Programme. Brit had told me how good of a therapist she is and how she helped her out of depression. She recommended her to me because of the struggles in my marriage.

My first meeting was quite uncomfortable for me, she had asked so many questions which were private to me. Telling my problems to a total stranger was a difficult one. « Are they not human too? What do they know anyway? Is she telling me her home is perfect? » These questions kept playing in my head.

I’m just like you and we can’t figure it all out but we were raised to fix, heal broken hearts, and relationships the best we can. And yes my marriage isn’t 100 percent perfect but I can proudly say we’ve worked past the level of trying to understand ourselves.

Wtf! How does she know?… I hope Brit didn’t bring me here to talk to a witch as a therapist. I gave her a shocking look.

(Laughs hilariously)

You’re surprised I could answer your questions. Well nothing to worry your head over. It is simple to read minds of new clients especially when it is hard for them to give in to their private matters. One thing you should know is that your secrets are safe with me. So shoot!

I’m struggling to get attention from my own husband. I mean he’s nice and all but I still don’t feel it’s enough. And it is not that I haven’t told him about this. I have even before we got married.

You did? Why did you still end up with him? »

(I breathe heavily before finding words to speak)

I mean it wasn’t much of a big deal because he gave me reasons to trust him. I believed his work was a bit stressful and his location wasn’t even helping because of the high rate of traffic there. And we were dealing with distant relationships so it wasn’t possible to have the feelings of having him around always. We quarreled so much when I went to visit him. I realised it wasn’t just work. He was obsessed with it. That man creates work for himself even with the little break he had. I could remember how sad I was, I will have to try to make him laugh, play and find conversations even if there’s none. I tried so much to explain to him how I felt. But he always seems to have a way of making me feel ungrateful.

« You know I’m working for us » he would say

Honey I know. I’m not denying the fact you work for us to live better. But you’re clearly obsessed with it. There’s much difference between working and being obsessed. You need to give yourself a break. I love you so much and I don’t want these little things to be a problem in our relationship.

Recap

I was reading a book from my tab, I heard the door unlock. I knew that was my boyfriend. He was back from work and I was so excited, I’ll have him around.

Hey baby

Baby you’re back

(Gave him a big hug)

I’m really tired… work was stressful..traffic and all. He said.

Sorry dear, there’s food in the kitchen and try to rest a bit. I will tell him.

To be honest I was so fed up with his constant complaints of work and all. Somehow I knew he kept saying this to remind me to give him the space he needed.

I went back to my room to continue reading a book I wasn’t so interested in.

This kept going on for as long as I can remember.

I would be the one to engage him in small talks, he had favorite shows he never missed and wouldn’t want to be distracted. All I did was text and find what to do to keep me busy.

How is your sex life with him? Mrs Laura asked

(Smiles)

Sex with him is good, no one does it better you know, but we rarely have that because of how tired he gets.

So basically sex is when he’s in the mood. And if I ever try to ask for it in my own mood, he’s tired or not in that mood.

Do I have to beg for sex from my husband »

Did you guys have premarital sex? Therapist asked

Well Yesss… we did but it was the same thing. Mrs Laura I didn’t really think of it as a problem though I complained about it a lot. And I was beginning to think I was the problem. You know, (smirk) A sex freak. So I stopped.

I laid my back on the couch as I folded my arms.

I thought he was going to change once we got married and probably change his job. But I was wrong.

I didn’t want him to look at me as a sex freak, so I would rather have my sex toys with me which of course he knew about it.

Did you ever talk to him about the sex part.

Yes I did.. Still he gave me reasons to believe him. I mean he’s older. Ten years older. He would tell me he can’t be all attached to me like I want because he’s passed the age of having those kinds of feelings, not because he doesn’t love me but that’s just how it is.

Don’t worry when you come up to my age you will understand me.. He would say. I tried to believe his points.

But still he should have looked into your needs because you’re at the age. He enjoyed his youthful age right? He should let you enjoy yours. That’s being selfish.

You saw the signs carmy why did you go ahead with it. Mrs Laura asked. I loved the way she would always shorten my name.

The signs weren’t clear enough Mrs Laura, I thought it was all work but now it’s clearly his personality. How do I fix this? It was a rainbow flag. One minute he was acting according to how I wanted him to be with me. The next minute he’s giving me reasons to doubt him.

Can you bring him for the next therapy session?

Smiles.. You’re just asking for the impossible. He won’t even want to hear therapy let Alone know I do have a therapist.

Wow, your husband is a lot. You mean he doesn’t know about you coming here?

Ermm.. No, I threw my hands in the air.

Carmy what sort of relationship is that? You can’t get to speak to your husband about a lot of things.

I began to cry.

It’s okay Carmy, it’s not that bad. But do you love him?

Yes I do, very much.

What was your reason for marrying him?

I wiped my tears as I began to name the things that got me attracted.

He’s kind, reserved, he’s gentle, and he cares in his own way. But I consider them the basics. He is older too. I’ve always loved older men.

And do you appreciate him more or do you complain mostly of the things he hasn’t fulfilled?

Hmm well I’m beginning to complain a lot more now because he pays no attention anymore. It’s work and work for him.

Okay I want you to do these few things when you get home.

Laura listed some few things

Sure all these gonna work. I said

There’s no harm in trying. Mrs Laura retorted.

And back to how I messed up my marriage.

My marriage got worse as each day passes by, whether he’s traveling or comes home tired and sleepy. For me I got so immune with the way things were. I never really bothered him again after I tried out the things Mrs Laura advised from my last therapy session with her which of course didn’t work out. I talked him into coming with me to see my therapist. But he was deaf ear.

By this time I’d started letting people into my life. I am young, beautiful and attractive, so I still got the attention I needed. Just what I wanted. It made me uncomfortable but I liked the attention so I continued with it. I wasn’t comfortable leaving my phone where he is. Chat up late. Pay little or no attention to him. Go out a lot more and come in late. And the worst was I wasn’t even considering having a child with him. Child bearing was off my mind. If he tries bringing it up I would wave it off nicely. Give me more time dear.I would say to him.

He would ask for sex and I wasn’t interested anymore

I got attracted to someone online, his name is Dannie. We got along. We were both careful to be seen around because I was married. We bonded and it felt so right with him. I regret choosing my husband. Why didn’t you on time, now I’m in a mess. I would tell him. Fix this Dannie.

He would laugh with me a lot, understood my feelings and when I needed the attention. I enjoyed every time I spent with him till I’d forgotten who I married.

And so one day we were so eager to see each other, we started sharing our sexual desires and I couldn’t wait to try all these crazy things with him. I decided it was going to be the time my husband would travel. I was impatient and anxious. You could tell I was so happy to have my husband out of the town for the first time. I made him some snacks, packed his clothes and made sure everything was in place. It was all suspicious but I didn’t mind.

And the day came when I messed up….

To be continued