Dating : Relationships Without Alcohol

6 Lessons I learned from sober dating.

I stopped drinking almost 10 months ago because I was physically uncomfortable. I continued to not drink because I realized that most of my life has been experienced with the company of alcohol, particularly men. In my sobriety, there have been some real upsides.

Men always joke that I’m a cheap date because I get drunk easily. I suppose I’m an even cheaper date sober, except if they’re hoped to get laid. Without the wine at dinner, I require effort. If they just want a companion for a meal, the short term for men means they’re saving money. But, if they’re going to get into these nicely fitting Madewell jeans of mine, they have to see me more than once. And, even then, there’s still no guarantee.

The terrifying part looks like unfamiliar coordination. The thrilling part is actually being present for the ride. I’ve always missed the first time having sex with someone because I’ve always been three to nine sheets to the wind. Now, I can remember it in all its awkward and sexy glory.

A lot of times before, my relationships became serious because we kept waking up with each other the day before after getting wasted the night before. The routine would force us into a coupleship. Now, the dating progression is a bit different. Granted, my dating progression happened during the pandemic, but even with that in mind, it’s changed. There were intentional steps and movements that were taken towards becoming more.

When you have alcohol to turn to when you’re upset, you miss the reason you’re angry. You don’t know why, you’re just pissed, and so you need a glass of whatever to calm down. I understand why I’m mad if I get mad. I’m able to say, I feel ( insert emotion ) follow it up with because (add reason ), and then I can talk about it. Sometimes, it’s just my ego. Sometimes, it’s my partner. Whatever the reason, I’m able to have a conversation about my needs and my partner’s needs and collaborate to meet them.

Booze removes our inhibitions. So if we’re feeling something, we’re really feeling it, probably beyond merit. When I was the shit show, my anger would look like rage. My disappointment looked like a hurricane. My sadness looked like Noah could build the arc in my tear ducts. I was a real spectacle. Not to mention the things that triggered the emotions were often not really worth a second glance. In my sans alcohol state, I don’t find myself questioning the legitimacy of the way I feel because they’re real.

As a blackout drama queen, you wake up the next morning, unsure about the night before. “Should I still be mad? I forgot what I was so mad about.” or “Am I the one that did something, or is he?” There’s a lot of room for error and a lot of doubt. Eventually, the uncertainty outweighs the unsatisfying relationship. So you stay in it because you don’t know what the hell is going on. Soberly, I know exactly whats going on. There’s no doubt that XYZ happened. There’s no question ABC was said. And, because I know my worth, I don’t have to rely on drunken skepticism to keep me pinned to something that isn’t worth my time.