Dating : Response to “I Destroyed Her and Feel Bad About It”

There was a time I would have been mad about this (correction: was mad about this).

If you’re around long enough, you’ll be broken up with, experience mixed messages, and/or be the one who has to do the breaking up.

Minus feeling some loneliness, I offer the following (that is nothing new):

• Non communication IS communication. Further, unless a person gives you a YES, YES, YES!!!! it is a No.
• Mixed messages: ditto. (Read this a thousand times if you must.) What is a mixed message? “I love you” but the person doesn’t seem to have actions that are consistent with this. I’m sure someone in the comments can expand upon this.
• It’s fair to express to someone “I like you” or to ask “Do you like me that way too?” Listen to the answers which are not always expressed verbally or in writing — those are a luxury. Again, unless it’s a congruent yes, yes, YES! in all ways, it’s a no.
• When breaking up, do it as soon as you know the person is not your future. It’s not that much of a challenge. “Hey, I need to tell you, I do not have romantic feelings for you and do not want to continue a romantic relationship.” Those are just sample words off the top of my head. Sure, you can add “I’m sorry,” but I prefer not to add wiggle room because people on the receiving end **will** bargain with the universe and try to twist the words to avoid the pain.
  I used something similar just yesterday for the second time (the first time resulted in some words of grief from the other person). I was consistent in my message. I don’t want someone getting their hopes up as I have experienced. I will never text, return another text, or call that person again, nor will I engage with them on any social media. That is consistency and congruency. It provides a person with something they can count on.
  Do as Robert Mueller did in his recent hearing, “My answer is in my report (e.g. my last text). Nothing has changed” if you cannot avoid them in person for some reason.
  No, it is not happy to receive one of these. Never has been. What is a gift, however, is clarity.
  Will the person spiral into deep depression and try to take their own life? Sometimes we worry about this. The answer is: It is possible. I volunteer on a suicide hotline. I do receive these hints/threats and do my best to listen or provide resources to help a person through the immediate experience the best that I can. I don’t have stats of how many times I have succeeded or failed in my attempts to help. I’ve had to learn to become comfortable with this. I cannot control everything.

I offer these things as there seems to be a current phenomenon of people wandering around with crushed souls asking, “What do you think this person meant by what they said?” or “Why did they send me a text out of the blue?”

My answer to that is, yes, it would be good if people did things well, if we didn’t want love, or if nothing hurt all that much.

After getting it profoundly wrong so many times myself, I write this in hopes that it helps someone in the oft upsetting up/down world of being single: It helps to find a way to become comfortable with uncertainty and disappointment. It helps to have routine. It helps to have some goals. It helps to have interests (don’t get me started because at one time I didn’t even know what my interests were — those are a gift also). It helps to face what feels like a suddenly blacked-out future right in the face and become fearless. I used to fear death. I personally don’t anymore. What freedom.

Some people are social butterflies and look forward to all the new people they get to meet when one door is closed. Others find this terrifying and hopeless.

The main point I hope to make is that we do have some control over being victims of another person’s less-than-desired actions in the romantic realm. I see that now. You can state your intentions and then watch for the answers.

Learn to fearlessly accept the answers. I wish pure and uncomplicated love for everyone. Short of that, I wish everyone strength and contentment.

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