Dating : So let’s talk about STANDARDS

ft. men with kids, part 1

tl;dr: I am not a step momma.

When dating, you have a set number of standards… right? I hope everyone does. Is it acceptable to say that you measure your worth by the partner you seek…? NOT COMPLETELY! But this is one of the many collective traits that is a reflection of that.

“I cannot date a man who _______; I am attracted to men that _______; he MUST have a median income of $________ before I would ever date him!”

I love the quote ‘don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!’ — but I can also see the flaws in it. I knock hunters who kill fucking giraffes for fun! I don’t need to possess that experience to know that I hate it. I think they’re terrible people. But what about something insignificant like… shit idk, paddle boarding? Watching that wanky reality show? Kombucha?

But maybe — just MAYBE this quote is acceptable to some degree in relation to dating? hmm…

If I could be of any validation to ANYONE — I’m here to say that EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN FUCKING SET OF STANDARDS WHEN DATING! We must also consider our own happiness when dating. I cannot believe how many relationships fail because this rule isn’t being followed.
BUT… don’t stop yourself from living and experiencing things. Some things are worth trying in order to completely knock it… at least this is what I do. Sometimes I overlook traits that may be a flag to some and wouldn’t matter much to me. Examples to come. But I’m the type to try something new before I gain an opinion on it. Think of it as research.

I have plenty of dating horror stories. I think the horror outweighs the good and this definitely contributes to why I’m so guarded. By no means am I perfect. I’m very self conscious and I have a hard time @ enjoying life in its purest form because of this. Plenty of experiences has shaped the person and partner I am today. Again, examples to come… but to get to the nitty gritty — A standard I have when dating is I cannot date a man with kids.

I’m knocking it because I’ve tried it.

Call me shallow… I said what I said *cue Nene Leakes*

My dating experience started when I was a kid — 17 years old to be specific. I graduated college @ 17 and attended a local community college thereafter. I wasn’t allowed to date in HS and even if I had the chance to — I don’t think I would have been able to build the confidence to talk to men. I was awkward; shy; fucking quiet; had a shit ton of insecurities that follow me to this day. I remember the Summer prior to entering college I had told myself two things: find a fucking job to pay for my car insurance and be CONFIDENT. I wanted more friends, (I’ll probably touch on this another day — switching high schools @ the start of junior year made a severe negative impact on my mental health which made it extremely hard for me to make new friends — again, something I deal with to this day) & meet college guys.

The reality of things were quite harsh: I had to teach myself how to be an adult. I had to learn how to be social. I was a hermit for years and the only friends I had were those from high school I already knew for years. I hadn’t made a new friend in years! At the start of my college career I forced myself to talk to my classmates and speak up more in class. I ended up finding a job 2 months into college thru a family member and taught myself workplace etiquette. I remember finally shopping for shit on my own and taught myself how to pump gas, use my debit card. I signed up for my FIRST credit card. I learned to actually hang out on campus or sit under a tree @ a park across the street to study. I quickly learned how to navigate thru my college career on my own and failing a course quickly taught me how important it was to actually PASS. Unlike high school — college waits for nobody on YOUR dime. My very first semester of college was the true reality check I needed. Looking back I probably grew up the most during that year.

I had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to be rich. The life I imagined was probably being a teacher? Maybe a social worker? I was interested in Real Estate so I took a few courses to qualify for the State exam (@ the time — California only required a total of 9 units — 3 classes total). My very first semester I got 2 of 3 courses out of the way. One of the courses occurred once a week on Monday evenings from 7PM ending at almost 9PM. This was the latest I’ve ever been out of the house and I was scared but fucking excited to be out of the house — even if it meant being at school.

These courses had older people enrolled… Naturally, it makes sense: who the fuck is interested in real estate @ 17?!?! Around the second or third session of this class, we were randomly placed into groups for a dumbass class project. The professor was so lazy — he had US teach the course. I was in a group with 4 other guys — 3 of which I found FINE as hell. One of the guys introduced himself: John*

John immediately caught my attention and to be completely honest I think he knew this. I thought he was so attractive: smelled nice, had a deep voice, and communicated well. BUT… he was old as fuck and was clearly taking the course for the purpose of ~turning his life around~ no hateration in that.

I remember one of the first questions he ever asked me was: “How old are you?” I told him I was 17. His reaction was something close to “Damn, a baby… alright”

I had the biggest crush on him and actually looked forward to this Monday night course but I quickly learned he didn’t give a fuck about this course; he didn’t care about our group assignment. For maybe a month he stopped showing up to class & I lost hope and thought to myself I would never see John again. But one day he popped up again the week before our group was supposed to present. The semester passed. I turned 18. I passed the course. I enrolled into my final real estate course the following Spring semester.

To my surprise, John had walked into the class. He sat right next to me and we caught up on our Winter holiday. He asked me early on: “Are you 18 yet?” (eww… creeper vibes).

Throughout the semester — we became close. He had my number from the previous semester (remember, the project) and often texted but never anything weird. He added me on Facebook and this was the start to my investigative skills. Unfortunately it took me a while to be as good as I am — but thank goodness I have this under my belt. I remember seeing him in group photos with his family. A number of pictures with him and kids. I tried looking to see if he was involved — nothing. But having him on Facebook meant I was able to see his birthday. Come to find out he’s a whole FIFTEEN years older. I had no fucking idea! 1. he didn’t look THAT old and 2. his behavior didn’t match his age. This was a flag… and as these entries continue — it’ll be very clear that I’m colorblind & can’t see the color Red and for some reason also blind to flags.

As the semester went on, I learned more about him — he was a convicted felon (assault while under the influence). He didn’t own a car. I don’t think he worked but he said he was into sales but he was never specific about what the job entailed… what can I say? I’m 18 and didn’t know HOW to get this out of him! He’s hood!! Growing up in the environment I did — you just don’t ask questions. Unfortunately it would take years for me to find my voice.

Toward Spring Break — it got a little heated. He started to text me more and more and confessed the following: “I’m so into you, you have no idea” — I was SMITTEN! A guy I was into NEVER talked to me this way. One afternoon I was sitting in the campus courtyard area with a guy friend from high school. John walked up and spit serious game @ me while insulting my friend at the same time. Something along the lines of “Hey babe, you’re on campus and couldn’t hit me up but you’re hangin with this?” It was hilarious. John later asked me if my friend was a ‘boyfriend’ — although having no dating experience @ this point, I was quite the flirt. I always led him on with the “gotta do better” talk… it worked every fuckin time…

At the end of the semester we had a final exam (I fucking hated finals, what was the REEEAASSONN?? *Cardi voice*) and we finished at the same time. We walked out together and HE HELD MY HAND. He walked me to the parking garage on campus. We stood there and he just kept looking at me… I told him I had to leave (no, I didn’t — it was a bad hair day and was shy as fuck & didn’t want him staring at me… but I liked him so much I was sorta paralyzed in lust (ewww)).

It happened, he kissed me. It was my first fucking kiss. After it happened he asked if we could hang out over the Summer — I said yes but in my mind I really meant no. I knew it wasn’t going to happen. My guard was up (yes, despite kissing him).

During the Summer was when most of the drama went down. Come to find out the kids I saw in his Facebook photos weren’t just any kids… THEY WERE HIS KIDS. SIX KIDS TO BE EXACT. I remember he hit me up one day and he wanted to take me to dinner and I said something sly such as “maybe you should hang out with your kids instead” — he went silent and asked how I knew… Are you fucking kidding?
After it sizzled down a bit — he became more open about his life. He explained the child support issues, the 3 baby mommas… One day he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him AND his kids. He said it would be important for them to meet to woman he was dating. He also mentioned it would bring us closer if we hung out as a family… HUH? I was 18 at the time and his oldest was 13. JOHN was old enough to be my dad! I imagined if I had gotten serious with him — what would my life look like? The guy already had trouble keeping his shit wrapped up. He already seemed like a deadbeat. He already said he wasn’t in one of his daughter’s lives AT ALL. I wanted to avoid it at all costs… but this man wouldn’t take no for an answer! Eventually I explained to him I was too young to pursue someone with baggage and I changed my number and blocked him on Facebook. I missed him a lot but I knew the damages this would cause had I continued on.

John and I didn’t speak for a year… It wasn’t until I ran into him @ a grocery store and we agreed to meet the same week on a Friday for coffee. I remember this day ONLY because there was a spaceship flying over the city I live in. We met at a Starbucks at the mall. He explained how well his life was going and pointed out all of the reasons why we should consider a relationship. I’ve always wondered if he was serious about this or was this a tactic to bring me down? He mentioned his daughter wanting a woman in his life. I remember thinking how selfish all of this was! Did he ever consider my feelings? Did he really think that at 19 I would want this life? Did I look like I have mommy material???? All I cared about @ the time was keeping my car alive, and making enough money to afford textbooks. I had larger issues and he didn’t need to be one of them. This conversation was enough for me to see the bum in him. He was clearly a narcissist and didn’t give a fuck about my needs. I never got the encouragement from him in telling me school comes first. He would have much rather I spent time with him on his terms despite me having a difficult work schedule. He never brought out my best qualities. And this was enough to know I was too good for this and I was officially able to move on without any thought or regret…

As the years went on, he would add he on Facebook, and Instagram. Arguments did happen… and years later we ran into each other ONE last time and out of all the places it could have happened… it was at my mom’s house! At this point I had moved out and came over to my mom’s to spend time with my dog. Someone was at the door and IT WAS HIM! Selling cable, or cell phone services… I think it was cable. As soon as I realized it was him, I almost wanted to puke. I guess his good career didn’t last long? At this point I had graduated University. I was headed on a good path. He knew this. While he was at my door, he couldn’t look me in the eye… too ashamed? Maybe his guilty conscience caught up with him? Maybe this womanizer lived with the fact that he couldn’t bring a vulnerable young 18 year old down. I’m proud of that. We chatted for a few minutes and everything in his body language told me he was uncomfortable. We got as far as him announcing he was a grandfather… yikes.

Sometimes I reflect on this situation and celebrate the bullet I dodged. I know John would have ruined my life. I live my life making decisions I admittedly overthink at times… My meticulous path has lead me to people I wish I didn’t meet… however I don’t regret. Very early on, I’ve learned to not hold a grudge on my personal decisions and by doing so — it makes life so much easier. The speed bumps add character… And with this particular experience… I’m grateful… the lesson I learned, unfortunately, many others learn too late.

So to end, I’ll keep it simple… John wouldn’t be the only man I’ve dated who has kids… but he’s by far the only one who has six plus a grandchild. And thanks to him, I can confidently say that I cannot date a man with kids!