Dating : Spotting and Dating Male Introverts — A Guide by David Attenborough

Deep in the heart of social awkwardness, introverts inhabit their lairs in silence, often playing opossum at the slightest sound of the outside world. To know more about their lives and how to date them, I traveled across the world, battling posers to find myself in their untouched habitat.

Tracking the Male

Still miles away from the core area, we traveled through the urban labyrinth of fake Tinder bios that claim introversion and yet are the first ones to flash their phallic genitalia at every match.

A surefire way of spotting a male introvert is to find the ones that are not there. In pursuit of our difficult subject, we entered the room of Jason.

Jason, a young prime introvert, is short and stocky. His receding hairline is both a marker of his genetic quality and stress. He still lives with his parents and is a mix between a pure introvert and an ambivert sociopath. This hybrid lineage gives Jason the edge in camouflage during social gatherings. However, when it comes to mating, he spends his days masturbating to porn and trembles at the sign of a mature female calling out to mate on the horizon.

Life is not easy for Jason. His pastures are often preying grounds for the Chads and Brads. This species of psychopathic extroverts target the most unsuspecting prey while they are chomping on the pages of their books or are distracted by their phones.

Chads and Brads have a unique way of hunting. They often attack in vicious packs of insecure alpha males that demolish whatever social status an introvert has and then make them their bitch.

For those who have followed the lifecycle of introverts in Hollywood chick-flicks, the males mostly meet their taste in popular and highly extroverted women. However, life is far from the reality of NBC sitcoms in this harsh world of nature. They often fail in their pursuit to mate and suffer further humiliation, which results in them moving to less favorable pastures more akin to their league.

Females of the ambivert and extrovert species who like to feel superior to their partners find fine mates in people like Jason. Introverts can make for a suitable life partner after jumping through the hoops of childhood trauma and emotional defense mechanisms.

It helps the new family if the female is sexually charged and ready to initiate the long and tedious ritual that is sometimes interrupted by “I hope this is not too much” asked back and forth.

In the lush tarred roads of the next popular city, males like Jason walk alone, camouflaged to their surroundings, waiting for the world to find them, and yet somehow, they manage to go unnoticed.

Wildlife conservationists are now trying to lock them through tracking apps like Instagram and Facebook and get a deeper look into their lives. But for now, their lives and ways remain very much a mystery beyond porn addiction and reading glasses.