Dating : Stopping the Insanity

After 10 years of online dating on and off, I’m stopping for good. I’ve been on and off dating apps more times than I care to count, always returning at some point because I always hoped for a better experience the next time. It never happened. It’s just been too little reward for the investment. What’s that quote that was allegedly said by Einstein? “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” I want to stop the insanity.

I’m reeling with pain from my latest breakup. It took me all this time (about a decade) to find someone I thought I could have my first truly healthy relationship with. After all the dysfunctional relationships I had before this one, I thought I finally caught a break. It’s like getting close to the top of the mountain only to find yourself sliding back down, down, down. A long, difficult, traumatic journey to the top and when you find yourself almost getting there, you are denied. I don’t have the energy to restart the climb. I’m just going to stay at base camp now.

The thought of going through the process of swiping left more times than I swipe right, messaging guys who don’t respond, finally connecting with someone who seems decent (and if you want to find someone decent, you have to make it almost like a second job swiping through profiles), going through the stages of online communication and then meeting in person, going on a few dates, seeing it have promise, only to have it fall flat on its face 6 months later for whatever reason, lather, rinse, repeat makes me hurt. Torture followed by a root canal would be better.

I never wanted to do online dating in the first place. I always wanted to just meet people organically, in real life. Just letting things happen by chance. I never wanted to go looking for a partner “on purpose.” But as I reached my thirties and saw all my good friends get married or be in stable relationships, I gave in to the pressure because introvert that I am, I don’t go to bars, I don’t go to parties and I don’t go anywhere or do activities where I can organically meet new people. I felt like I had no choice if I wanted to find a partner. But after almost 10 years of trying, I think it’s time to quit. My heart can’t take any more of this and I’ve reached my quota of having the same experience over and over. I started this around the time I turned 30. I turned 40 last week. I don’t want another decade of the same.