Dating : The Hardest Goodbye

“I get it,” followed by a sign, followed by a long pause.

What do you expect me to say now that I am about to leave hundreds of kilometers away?

Yes, I did tell you how you should come for a visit someday — on the same night it took me three glasses of wine just to find the courage to leave the house.

I did not want to say goodbye — because I did not know how to say goodbye to the only person I wish could convince me to stay.

“I get it,” followed by deafening silence.

What do you get now that you have not understood before?

Did you get how I cared for you? Did you at all appreciate how I showed up at your front door seconds after you called and urged — no, begged — me to come? Has it ever occurred to you that I was giving up on my plans, my friends, everyone else — for you? Has it ever come across your mind that there were others — some who felt affectionate towards me but really had no chance?

Because this was how much I cared for you — so much I could not give less crap about anyone else.

Did you see the way I looked at you — adoring you, and everything about you?

Every word you said, music and movies you liked, your opinions, your values, your vision of the future — everything resonated with me; until, of course, it became evident that none of your plans for the future included me.

***

That evening I went to visit a friend who was going through a break-up herself. In the middle of our conversation and half-way through the bottle of red, she has decided to sign up for a dating website — she was not necessarily eager to dive into a new relationship but giggling over awkward profile photos sounded like a good idea at the time.

She was scrolling down the page, and each time a questionable selfie would pop up, we both laughed hysterically.

And then I saw your photo and a green dot next to it — you were online.

That same day you did not reply to any of my messages. Do you remember how often you used to do this — disappear for days, even weeks? Were you looking for someone better? A prettier, smarter girl; a girl you would be eager to introduce to your friends and family?

I could not take my eyes off your profile photo — the same picture I took on one of our first dates. I felt sick.

I did not feel betrayed or even hurt — I suddenly felt the most profound shame I could not even fathom. As if you sign up for a dating website was somehow my oversight.

I felt ugly, unworthy, lonely — lonelier than I ever did before we have met.

It did not make sense — did I ever show you anything but kindness… and obedience?

If you did not feel like talking — I kept my mouth shut. If you did not feel like going out — I was the one who canceled our dinner reservations. I was the one to offer you my help, my time, myself, and I was lucky when you simply did not reply and slammed the door.

All that time, I kept on telling myself how you were right. You were always right.

If you said, I was doing something wrong — I had to fix that. If you raised your voice at me, there was a good reason to do so.

If I asked you why you never replied to my messages — it was “none of my business.” I only tried it once — and regretted it immediately. You snapped at me, and it was a clear enough sign I should not have done that and I better not do it again.

I filled another glass, contemplating just how delusional I was.

I did not deserve your love or respect. I saw myself as ugly, foolish, unworthy. No one could have possibly fallen in love with me. And not you — especially not you, because you were so perfect.

I never blamed you — or hated you.

But I hated myself.

***

My question is… do you get any of this?

I never told you how much I loved you — and I never asked you if you ever loved me, too. Because one thing to know the truth, quite another — to hear you finally say it.

I did not come to see you for the last time to wish you well, to kiss you goodbye — not even to confess how one gloomy autumn evening you made me feel like I did not deserve any love ever at all.

I came to see you hoping you’ve changed — and you could change my mind.

And if you don’t get this, I myself have a hard time accepting this as well — that after all I came through because of you, I still hoped you would have persuaded me to stay, with you.

But I am so grateful you did not.