Dating : The Inviolate Forces of Dating

Results flow from choices

Adults realize that if they jump off a ten-story building, there will be consequences. By the time you become an adult, you have had enough scrapes with gravity that you just accept it is an inviolate force in your world. For some reason, we are a little more stubborn when it comes to forces in relationships, which are also inviolate.

For me the big one is money and ambition. If a woman I am dating asks me if I am ambitious or how long I have been at my current company, that sends warning flags into the stratosphere. I want to be loved for who I am, for my charming personality, matured boyish good looks, and because I can make someone laugh while ambling down an isolated beach as we are caressed by a late afternoon breeze. I don’t want someone to love me for my money, possessions, and ambition. The only time my mother loved me was when I achieved. I want there to be something about me that keeps a woman by my side, in sickness and health, for better or worse. This is one of the inviolate rules of dating I ignore, because I am stubbornly sticking to my principles of what I think is fair, good, and right. The dating gods have scant disregard for any of that. It is a market, like any market. You have to sell yourself. You have to be the shiny object that someone wants to buy.

I am not asserting that woman are gold diggers. However, many of them want stability, a solid provider, a partner who is going to contribute as much or more to the relationship as them. They have practical concerns about what maintains a relationship and what makes a relationship worthwhile. Some of these are practical concerns in the child nurturing years. In later years, there may be maternal instincts that cannot be shaken. I can accept those concerns as inviolate rules of dating, or I can continue to strike out until the diamond in the rough I am looking for, stumbles upon me, and our souls acknowledge each other. The mythical soul mate. The person you were meant by fate to be with.

When a woman wants to sleep with me on the first date, or clearly signals she is open to it, that often gets me thinking. Does the woman feel this is one of the rules of the game? She has to sleep with me to get my interest up. She has to give me that rush that makes it worth my while to invest my time in her. I have walked away from situations like that. Maybe I sensed the woman was an alcoholic, or she did not respect herself, and that over time her insecurity would turn in to anger towards me. Nonetheless, can anyone blame a woman for feeling this way? From what I hear from woman I am dating, many men are upfront about what they want, and what they want is sex.

Sex is one of those animalistic pleasures that is hard to ignore, especially when you are young, and hormones are driving every thought you have. The hormone thing settles down a little as you get older, but still, it is there.

All of us are evolved human beings to greater or lesser extents. We intellectualize what we want and need, while our animal cravings lurk beneath the surface. Dating is a game. Presenting the world with an intellectualized view of what you and a relationship partner needs, while secretly plotting to get your reptilian desires met. Having your cake and eating it. Some people play the game well, others stick to their principles, violating all the rules of the game. I’m more in the latter category, naively clinging to the notion that the authentic path is the noble way.

Bottom line is most people want good sex, as long as it comes without drama. They want a partner that is not abusive, they want a partner that is stable with good habits / disciplines, and they wonder which of all the candidates they see on dating sites, will score the highest on these dimensions. If someone falls short. No problem. Next batter up.

The inviolate rule is the dating gods don’t care what you want to be. They simply care if you are what someone else wants you to be. It is a market. You will need to market yourself to be good at this game. Stick to your principles or get in the game. It is a choice. You know the rules of the game. Make your choice.