Dating : The Light.

We are not the women you see in movies where she gets the guy in the end and it’s happily ever after.

We are not the women you meet as your cousins new girlfriend at the family reunion.

We are not the women you see in coffee shops, running our pinky finger around the rim of the mug of our Frappuccino as we exchange smiles with our new potential mate.

These are but small expressions of love, so minuscule that many overlook them. I cant help but feel so much envy towards those who can.

Out of the collective, I am one of the lucky ones. I walk the walk, and talk the talk. I’ve put in the work, swallowed the pills, taken the hair vitamins.

Now I have found myself a man who truly does love and respect me. Our story is long, but he has given me my old life back. A place to sleep, a place to call home.

A person to call home.

Now here we are, almost 5 happy (and not so happy) months together. I have grown used to falling asleep in somebody’s arms. The nights we had to sleep in the shelter in seperate beds, I stared at the ceiling, remembering his smell, his calloused yet gentle hands, and the sacrifices he’s making for me.

Men whom are exploring their sexuality can be dangerous for us when we want someone for forever. You never know when the rug can be ripped out from under you, and you’re reminded once again that you are only a “regular woman” to an extent.

He says he started developing feelings for me the first day we met, but he was being careful. He was well-respected in the grimy underworld that was sex,drugs and gang shit, and anybody who knows anything about that world, knows that a woman like me can ultimately destroy everything someone in that world has spent their life building up.

Now I have found me a wonderful man, one who is slowly leaving the underworld, and assimilating into the real world. I spent a few months under wraps, but as we have begun spending more time together and putting more effort into staying together, he has begun to draw back the curtain concealing his love life.

Others like me are reading this green with envy. Should they even find someone who can love them for them, they are very aware that they will always have a different relationship dynamic… but for a man to even call you “babe” when his friends are around is almost an answered prayer.

However, do not become disillusioned into thinking everything is normal.

As we love each other in the dark, I imagine how beautiful one must feel to be loved in the light.

It’s not as if I’m introduced as his cousin, or a family friend, in most cases I am not introduced as anything. A new friend may be curious as to who we are to each other, then he says,

“Can you go and grab me the baking soda from the fridge, baby?”

And then they know, and don’t speak about it, exactly as I told him would happen to assuage his fears.

However, while I have felt rays of The Light hit me, some parts are still shrouded in the dark.

It’s not because he deems his love for me as “shameful” or “taboo”, it’s not in his refusal to introduce me to certain family members (for my safety).

Its much more under-handed, which makes it that much more insidious to ones self-esteem when it happens.

It’s the refusal to go to certain parts of the city with me, it’s the attempted casualty of suggesting we order in instead of going out to eat, it’s in the small smirk of apology when he says I am not allowed to come with him to meet certain friends.

In so many ways I have gotten a taste of The Light, but I feel as if I will never be able to fully bask in it.

The worst part being I cannot resent him for it. I know what he would have to deal with should word get all the way out.

In 2019, a man who was openly dating a transgender woman ended up committing suicide because he was harassed both in real life and online.

The mass of comments related to him being gay, or at least not as straight as he previously stated.

I couldn’t help but feel disappointed in the world. How disheartening that something as pure and happy as love led to a young mans destruction of character, and ultimately, his life.

Don’t ever tell me that what me and my boyfriend have is exactly the same as other relationships. Not when things like this are happening around us.

In a perfect world, yes it is identical, but with the transphobia that plagues this world, I refuse to acknowledge my experiences as alike to others.

We must really think about why these things happen, and why we continue to let them happen. We must consider our own internal biases, and where we say enough is enough.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” said Jimi. Hendrix.

Until then, like a window with half-opened blinds, I will continue to sit in darkness.

And admire the outside, where you can see The Light.