Dating : The Problem With “Nice Guys”

Nice guys are inauthentic and display people-pleasing behaviors.

Let’s say a nice guy likes a woman. He will try to be whatever he thinks the woman wants him to be to try to attract her instead of, you know, just being himself.

Back in college, this woman I liked mentioned that she liked fishing. Also, she liked listening to these weird indie bands. Honestly, the music was awful. But I found myself listening to random 10-minute songs like “The Mariners Revenge Song” by the Decemberists. I took up fishing (which ended up being a hobby I loved).

Long story short, I didn’t get the girl. Even Barack Obama said that in college, he tried to read the same books and philosophers as the women students, so he could date them.

You see the theme here. The nice guy isn’t confident in himself the way he already is. Ironically, the number one way to kill a woman’s attraction toward you is to fundamentally change who you are to try to please her or get her to like you.

When in a relationship, a nice guy forgoes his own needs to try to please his partner, but this creates problems because people can subconsciously feel you compromising who you are for their benefit. And no matter how nice the deeds themselves are, the underlying motivation is unattractive.

In general, people-pleasing behavior is a sign of neediness. Neediness repels everyone, not just women. Does this mean that you should never compromise? No. Does this mean you shouldn’t highlight the best parts of yourself to be attractive? Of course not.

It means that you need to find the best intersection between the things you’re interested in, your values, and your personality with the people you want to attract or bring to your cause. This is how dating works. It’s how getting anyone into your life works. It’s how business, sales, and even getting fans for your content works.

Never re-shape who you are, people please or pander to try to manipulate people into engaging with you.