Dating : The Question That All Single Women Hate — And the Six Men Who Help Answer It

The Emotionally Unavailable Heartthrob: These tend to be my favorite of the lot. They’re charismatic, they’re intelligent and they’re single. They say all the right things at first. Their favorite book just so happens to be by your favorite author. Their guilty pleasures are oddly adorable (“omg, you binge on nature documentaries too?!”). You guys even look good together. This guy says he wants it all, and usually hints at “that all” being with you. And then one day you start noticing he’s not responding as quickly to your texts or seems to hesitate just a moment too long when you state that you want something real. Only months later will this guy admit his inane realization — you were just “too much” for him to handle at that time. Aka, you wanting something real went against his plans to have something easy.

The Partnered Attention Seeker: This man is the perfect mix of cool and humble. He doesn’t scare easily by your “too muches.” And more likely than not he’s good looking and meets your height requirements. The only problem is — he’s partnered. We The Singles (the decent lot of us at least) know how to spot a wedding band from across the room, and know that it requires us to associate said ring-wearing-man with the level of adoration we’d give a squirrel on a tree. Yet, way too often, single women become prey for the Partnered Dude seeking attention. Or as I prefer to say, those seeking the 20% they’ll never have or the 80% they didn’t have the patience to wait on. All too often single women are the scratching posts for male egos that desire to be stroked.

The Friend Zoned Fan: As we get older, it becomes more and more nebulous to develop friendships with the opposite sex. There are mines We The Singles are constantly skipping over to ensure we don’t mess with Lady Karma. But every now and again as we’re hopping along, we meet a sweet, sane man who is just good people. Their spirits are kind, they share similar interests, they get your sense of humor. They root without reserve for your success. But as luck would have it, they just aren’t IT. You love them dearly, but you know that the relationship cannot evolve past friendship. You will, however, be willing to hook Your Biggest Fan up with any of your other single friends.

The Sponsor: The Sponsor is the overly generous man who likes to surround himself with pretty women. Bottles in the club, handbags, free tickets to games, money in your account to buy desserts from a beloved patisserie — The Sponsor’s love gets creative and requires very little effort on your part. Well, at least requires very little in the beginning. The more you engage with The Sponsor, the more he demands in return for his kindness. Although I personally haven’t had a Sponsor bestow me diamonds and Dior, I thankfully keep enough baddies around who have allowed me to profit off their pretty. And if I’m being real, if it weren’t for the increasing scale of reciprocity, I would have more of these men in my life.

The Ex Who Still Loves You: Most of us have that one ex from the past whose ties have not been fully cut. Communication may have gotten down to annual birthday texts or the occasional IG story response telling you how he’s so proud of you for something simple you did (is there a reason to be proud of me for going home to celebrate my grandmother’s 90th birthday?!). And if he’s not contacting you directly, he’s asking mutual friends about you. But you’ve lived long enough to know that even with all the love you may have for him — his brand of love just isn’t what you subscribe to anymore. If and only if your marriage to Publix Bae fails will you ever consider a reconciliation.

The Elusive Mr. Right (That’s Just Wrong): Occasionally, We The Singles meet a man so right it’s unsafe to our imaginations. They’re single. They’re employed and have benefits. They’re emotionally available. These men are “I take my mom to church on Sundays” and “yes, I’ve never been married and have zero kids” good. The only problem? They’re completely incompatible with you. They don’t find your quirky humor endearing. There is constant text miscommunication because, for some reason, you speak two different versions of English. Or the chemistry is lukewarm before it fizzles out completely. This is a person that all of your married friends are rooting for and the person they’ll continue to bring up months later: “Whatever happened to you and Rob? He was SO sweet?.” Rob, my friends, is the dude you know is perfect for someone. Unfortunately, that someone just ain’t you.