Dating : Three Tips for a Happy Relationship from Someone that is Totally Unqualified

Wow. What a title. Let’s be honest though, that pretty much sums up most relationship articles you and I are reading on the internet. Unless it’s coming directly from Esther Perel, I’m assuming the author is as ill equipped as I am to be giving advice on nurturing a mature and stable relationship. Not to say there aren’t qualified people on the internet, but when everyone in the comment section is an “expert”, who’s to say? So, obviously, I thought it was appropriate that I add to that noise. However, you can think of this as a meta-analysis of all the other junk articles on the internet. That’s my added value. That being said, lets take a look at what adults apparently need to do when they want a functional relationship.

1. Don’t just listen to your partner. Actually hear them.

I know. Believe me, I KNOW. If I read another article on the value of communication in relationships I WILL throw up. Here’s the thing though, it’s true. So, when you’re done running to the bathroom because this article’s unoriginal content has made you queasy, hear me out.

I am one of those people that is guilty of using another person talking as an opportunity to figure out what I’m going to say. I think that’s what a lot of us do. In most situations we’re in, that routine works. Not saying it’s great, but it works.

When it doesn’t work is when you and your partner are having a disagreement or any discussion that involves vulnerability. If their mouth is moving, you need to be actively listening — not thinking about how you’re going to respond. If you are crafting your response, you are pulling focus away from your partner and not fully engaging with them and their feelings. So, you might sound really clever when it’s “your turn” to speak, but you’ve missed the point. A conversation is a team activity with each of you working together to achieve the ultimate goal of maintaining a happy relationship.

2. Expectations you don’t communicate will never be met.

I LOVE saying “well, they should have known.” Should have known WHAT? Wanting our partner to read our mind is probably one of the more outrageous expectations we place on our loved ones. By outrageous, I mean impossible. Do you need some positive validation today and want someone to tell you that you’re pretty? Let them know. Do you need them to help with housework? Tell them. Do you love it when they give you head rubs and you want more special snuggle time before bed? Tell them, tell them, tell them!

If you are choosing to be in a relationship with someone, it’s because you love them and want to be there for them. The same is true for your mate. Your partner loves you and wants to show up for you. Tell your partner what you need from them and they’ll listen. Each person’s job in a relationship is to listen AND communicate their expectations.

3. Falling in love is easy, but your relationship involves work.

Remember when you first started dating? Everything was really easy. You didn’t fight, you didn’t fart in front of each other yet, and you were SO in love. Fast forward and now you share bills, the methane that leaves your partner’s butt could be used to start WWIII, and you’re fully aware of each other’s baggage. That’s just the natural progression of spending a lot of time with someone and getting to know them as a full human, not just on Friday night at happy hour.

As you get to know that person, you get to know their flaws. You’ll also – more importantly- be confronted with your own shortcomings. That’s where I believe the majority of “work” needs to take place. Confronting what we don’t like about ourselves is really hard and most of us avoid this internal reflection because we don’t have the emotional tool box to deal with it. So, instead of looking at our behaviors in an inquisitive way to try and understand why we keep engaging in habits that don’t serve us, we deflect. I would rather blame someone else for why I’m feeling jealous than acknowledge that those feelings of jealousy are rooted in a fear of abandonment. That sounds WAY too hard. Instead, we blame the other person and start to think that these deep rooted feelings of fear and pain hiding in our core will magically disappear if the other person could just get their act together.

The beginnings of relationships are fun because in those first few dates you get to project an image of what you want to be (I had my partner convinced I was easy going!) You get to compartmentalize your personality. Highlight what you like and hide the things you don’t. However, having a deep and loving connection requires that we show our full selves, even the ugly parts. It requires that we acknowledge our imperfections and understand that our partner will never be perfect either. However, it’s important to remember that when we show the person we love our broken parts, they will pick them up gently, hold them tightly, and protect them.

I hope this helps and, if it doesn’t, I warned you that I wasn’t qualified.