Dating : To The Singles — We Apologize. Here’s Why We Put Pressure On You.

On behalf of all the happily married people, I apologize.

Not only the married people. Anyone, of any marital status, who has been asking you about your single situation. Why are you still single? What has happened to your dating life? Are you happy being single?

I know those questions are irritating.

I’m sorry you get asked about your dating life at all. It’s considered a faux pas to ask about how my marriage is. Or for intrusive explanations about the how and why of our relationship. It’s a shame the social acceptance of this doesn’t swing both ways.

I apologize because I know I’ve asked many of my single friends about their life. I should have stopped long ago, especially when I’ve seen the look of disgust every time I bring up the topic. Like uncontrollable regurgitation, I continued to probe. For that, I can’t say sorry enough.

I’m not going to defend people like me who have persisted with questions and answers about your dating life. There isn’t much I can say in defense.

Despite this, I’ve tried to understand our fascination with your single life and why we ask.

And I have some theories to explain our behavior.

Let’s not pretend this is the first generation of singles to feel the wrath of the single inquisition. We didn’t invent this trend. Our predecessors have long perfected the art of martial pressure many centuries ago. We’re carrying on the tradition.

Like everything, we learn from experience and the people before us. We are doing what others did to us. It’s in that awful, not learning from our mistakes kind of way too.

We haven’t stopped to think that these questions are annoying and hurtful. Nor have we considered that the memory of it happening to us. How much we hated it then and would hate it now.

For some I know it’s personal. I know that they ask those who’ve asked them. If their loved one targeted their single life, they seek retribution with their own persecution. I know it’s not the right approach or a healthy one, but some people believe in getting what you give.

For a while there, a friend of mine used to talk about her single life a lot. We would debunk her dates with men, who we could set her up with, the type of guys she liked. She introduced her single life into the conversation. She clearly welcomed the commentary.

In the last few years, as she has approached her mid-thirties, she hasn’t raised the conversation. But I have. It’s still part of our conversation repertoire even though the moment has long passed.

But the other part of me thinks she doesn’t want to bring the topic up. That she assumes I’m over it. And that me asking could be a way of helping her sort through her issues. Then again, this could be my own misguided justification for being a bad friend. And not reading the very obvious signs.

I’m not one of those married, or couple, types who need their single friends to entertain them. To regale them with stories of one-night stands or drama about failed romances. I have enough healthy entertainment to sustain me. Though sometimes I know I’m a rare breed.

It’s not that married life is boring. But it has a level of predictability that some struggle with. They want more from their romance and hope the singles will keep them amused.

In asking you, it’s very possible they don’t care about what’s happening to you, specifically. They care about the single life or share some weird fascination with it. It’s their vicarious way of living through you. A cliché, I know, but many people I know fit the bill.

Don’t you love when someone projects their boredom onto you?! I’ll quit the sarcasm.

Apparently, we’re all married counselors now. Because if you tell us your single people problems, we can help. With all our married wisdom or understanding of the dating scene, we can fix everything for you. If only that were true.

But in speaking to a few parents, this belief stands true. There are the ones niggling at their adult children about their love life, thinking they can help pull them out of whatever dating slump they are in. That they could help them navigate where to find someone, or how to get a date.

Often we don’t know how we can help, but being there to listen to you vent and work through the ‘issue’ we assume is helpful.

I stress that we married ones aren’t experts on marriage. You don’t need a degree to say I do.

We’re the masters of our own relationship and how it works. And you could say we know something about finding someone to date. But the expert level is a stretch too far.

If you’re not looking at your biological clock, then we are. This is all the rage in my life at the moment. My friends are either approaching forty or they have skipped over to the other side.

It’s naïve to think even with all the technology we have now that our biological clock changes. And that having children becomes increasingly less difficult as we age. It’s not true.

As people who are constantly looking at our own clock, we want to make sure you are too.

There is this element of regret. No one wants anyone they love to feel like they’ve missed out on something incredible in their life, especially from time running out. It feels like such a trivial reason, too. Like we didn’t have a good enough excuse.

It’s like taking the exam of life and releasing you haven’t paced yourself. If only we planned better, right?!

Asking you about your single life doesn’t come from a place of malice. It’s usually quite the opposite. We’re asking because we care. We want to know that you’re doing alright and that you’re happy.

I know the single people in my life don’t tell me one way or the other how they feel about their single status. And it’s in that not knowing that we seek to find out. We don’t know if we don’t ask.

But we can all agree that we can be better at showing how much we care. That we have more to talk about than our single status. We have so much that defines who we are as an individual that we can talk about something else.

On behalf of all the culprits, I ask you to remember that we aren’t perfect, and we will get it wrong. And even when we promise to give up asking about your dating life, we might slip up every once in a while.

We will do it not because we don’t care. We will slip up because we care too much.